WATCHING the news, Andrew Gosden's tortured dad finds himself envying the parents of murdered kids.
Kevin catches himself instantly, but he still can't help wishing the police would show up at his house with a "bag of bones" so he could finally have an end to the torment he has suffered for 12 years.
His son, Andrew, vanished into thin air on September 14, 2007, aged just 14, after travelling from his home in Doncaster to London when he "uncharacteristically" skipped school.
In the years since he vanished, dad Kevin has had a breakdown, attempted suicide and had to resign from his job.
"I always thought the worst feeling ever would be to have a child die but this to me is worse," Kevin says.
"I have caught myself before, to my shame, feeling envious of parents whose child has been murdered but then you stop and want to hug them.
"We just want to know what happened to our son before we die."
Andrew is one of many because every two minutes a child is reported missing in the UK - around 80,000 each year.
For the families of those who have vanished, the statistics serve as a brutal reminder of the anguish they have faced while desperately trying to find a lost loved one.
But perhaps even worse is the lack of support they are given - with officials and society assuming their child has run away.
The Sun Online has teamed up with charity Missing People for their Find Every Child campaign this year.
This week - leading up to International Missing Children's Day on May 25 - we speak to families whose harrowing stories were dismissed or forgotten about as the years wore on.
Thousands of people walk past Andrew's face every day - his smile blown up on posters on billboards, train platforms and along major roads.
But despite being the "poster boy" for Missing People, no trace of Andrew has ever been found - leading to 12 years of pain for his family.
Chillingly, Kevin says: "We still don't know if he is alive or dead and change our minds on a frequent basis - it's horrendous.
"The not knowing is the worst. I remember saying to a police officer once I'd rather him show up with a bag of bones and say it was Andrew then continue to live like this."
On the day he vanished, Andrew put on his school uniform and left the home in Doncaster he shared with Kevin, mum Glenys and sister Charlotte.
For some reason he returned once it was empty, changed into pair of jeans and a Slipknot band T-shirt and headed to a shop where he withdrew £200 from his bank account.
Andrew bought a one-way ticket to London and was last seen emerging from King's Cross station on CCTV at 11.25am.
His dad said he then "vanished off the face of the Earth".
EVERY two minutes a child is reported missing in the UK.
This means 80,000 kids vanish without a trace every year.
Children are more likely to be reported missing than adults – one in 200 goes missing each year, while one in 500 adults disappear.
Kids in care are at the highest risk of being reported missing – one in ten compared to one in 200.
The Sun Online has teamed up with as part of their Find Every Child Week campaign.
Each day this week, we will speak to a different family who have been affected by a child’s disappearance.
This marks International Missing Children’s Day on May 25.
If you are away from home or thinking of leaving, or if you have information about a missing person or a missing loved one, call the charity’s free and confidential 24/7 helpline on 116 000 or email 116000@missingpeople.org.uk
Describing the anguish of having a missing child, Kevin said: "For me, the pain is like when you have a little kid and you turn your back for two seconds and they vanish but then you find them again.
"That horrible, panic-stricken, gut-wrenching feeling you have in that moment goes on and on and on forever for us.
"Glenys once described it as someone coming up to you and sticking a knife in your guts - normally it would hurt, but the knife would be removed and the wound would be stitched up and heal after a period of time.
"With this, someone has stuck the knife in but you have to walk around with it and it's always there, always hurting and getting twisted frequently and regularly.
"I get that when I see those missing posters."
The night Andrew vanished, his family were about to sit down to dinner and assumed he was in the cellar playing on his Xbox - but when they called out his name, he didn't emerge.
His McAuley Catholic High School blazer and tie were hanging neatly over the back of a chair in his bedroom and his shirt and trousers were in the washing machine.
Kevin and Glenys immediately phoned friends and family asking if anyone had seen Andrew - later discovering he hadn't been to school that day.
Twelve years later, his parents are trapped in an "endless cycle of horror" trying to figure out what happened to their son after he stepped off that train.
Andrew was incredibly intelligent - he had taken part in the government's Young, Gifted & Talented Programme for high-achieving students and was on course to attend Cambridge.
He had a 100 per cent attendance record at school, was never bullied and loved metal music - counting Funeral for a Friend and Slipknot among his favourite bands.
Kevin said he grew up in a "loving" home where Andrew knew he could speak to his sister or parents if something was bothering him.
The Big Tweet for Missing Children is an online tweetathon held by Missing People every year to mark International Missing Children’s Day.
Over the space of 12 hours, the charity will tweet a different appeal for a missing child every half an hour from their Twitter account - .
The Sun's own Twitter account will be retweeting each appeal so make sure to follow us too and share your support -
To take part, follow or on Twitter on Friday 24 May and retweet as many appeals as you can.
This year, Missing People will be helped with their campaign by band The Vamps.
You can help bring missing children home by texting ‘find’ to 70660
He recalls watching TV with his son months before he vanished and the breaking news alert for Madeleine McCann's disappearance flashed up on the screen.
The dad said: "I turned to him and said, 'That must be the worse thing, her poor parents,' and he agreed. I had no idea I'd be part of that same club four months later.
"Andrew's is the case that proves this can happen to anyone, don't think you're immune."
Kevin and Glenys' painstaking efforts to find their son have been hampered - they say - by the police's "slow and chaotic" handling of the case.
In a city where the average Londoner could be caught on CCTV more than 300 times a day, just one image of Andrew stepping off the train was recorded before he vanished.
But the footage wasn't located until 27 days after he went missing - meaning any efforts to search CCTV in the surrounding area were thwarted.
There were also "credible" sightings from that day - with Kevin saying leads that he was seen in a Pizza Hut on Oxford Street and later in Covent Garden were not followed up.
After four years with no answers, a company offered to perform a sonar search of the Thames - but in a gruesome twist, another body was discovered.
Then, in 2017, a man came forward saying he had spoken to someone online called Andyroo, who lived in Lincoln and needed £200 to make rent.
After some delving, the man discovered Andyroo didn't have a bank account as he'd left home when he was 14 - simply because he "felt like it".
Kevin has since driven around Lincoln handing out posters of Andrew. He says it is the "biggest hint" it could be him as Roo was his childhood nickname.
Despite nothing coming from their searches, the family still cling to hope they might one day discover what happened to Andrew when he left home that morning.
The dark shadow formed by his disappearance has cast over every aspect of the anguished family.
Kevin says he feels "guilty" for not being the dad he wanted to be to Charlotte, who was forced to grow up without being able to fill the black hole left by her missing younger brother.
The day-to-day absence of Andrew in their home is a constant reminder of him being missing, but the family say they refuse to leave or change the locks in case he returns.
Kevin said: "Part of you wants to say 'sod it', I have done my best, I can't think about this anymore and give up but he is our son and we love him.
"In some ways, it would be a relief to find a body but this would lead to more questions and more years of hell - although at least then we could grieve."
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