Double life with two lovers is exhausting and I can’t keep it up for much longer
DEAR DEIDRE: IT’S exhausting leading a double life with my two lovers.
I left my wife of 19 years to set up home with a younger woman. But then she changed her mind.
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The plan was I would take on her three children and we’d build a new life.
Instead, she decided to stay in her miserable marriage for her children’s sake.
I was gutted, of course, but we agreed we still wanted to be together.
That was five years ago and I still see her when her husband works away.
Other than our clandestine meetings at my flat we are nowhere near a proper relationship.
I’m 52 and she is 38 and it hurts like hell whenever she goes home to her husband, who sounds like a really nasty piece of work.
Three years ago I met a lovely woman through friends and we hit it off straight away. She is 51 and looks really good for her age.
We go away on holidays and out for lovely meals.
When I’m with her we have tipsy sex at night and enjoy long, leisurely mornings in bed, whereas my married lover always has to rush back for the babysitter.
Neither woman knows about the other and in many ways I have the best of both worlds.
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On the one hand there is the loving relationship with my older girlfriend, who is kind and caring.
But on the other, there is passion and excitement with my younger lover.
However, I am exhausted with all the lying and I really only want to be happy with one person.
The older girlfriend wants us to move in together. She adores me and hopes to forge ahead with our lives.
But I’m struggling to leave my younger lover, who I know would choose me if it was not for her children.
DEIDRE SAYS: The younger lover made her choice when she decided to stay with her family.
Yes, she may well have chosen you over her husband had it not been for her children.
But they are not going anywhere and her decision is unlikely to change, even as they grow up – and you shouldn’t put your life on hold in the hope that she might break free one day.
You won’t know if you and your older girlfriend have a future until you cut contact with your younger lover.
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Then – and only then – will you know if she is the right person to move on with.
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If you decide your future is not with her, you will then be ready to commit to any future partners 100 per cent.
I’m sending you my support pack Your Lover Not Free and Moving On, which will help.