I looked at my wife’s phone and saw she is texting her ex-husband – do I confront her or say nothing?
DEAR DEIDRE: A BLAST from the past is now threatening to derail our marriage.
When my wife started acting secretively, I suspected she might be having an affair with someone she met online.
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The last thing I expected was that she was contacting her ex-husband.
We have been married for 15 years. I’m 48 and she’s 47.
In her early twenties, my wife married her childhood sweetheart. She said they were too young and it fell apart within a few years.
He hurt her badly by cheating. After they split up, he moved abroad and they had no further contact.
We have two children together and, I thought, a happy marriage.
But over the past two years, she’s been a bit down and increasingly distant. I put it down to a midlife crisis, until she started spending a lot of time on her phone.
I knew it was wrong but suspicion got the better of me and last week, when she was having a shower, I took a peek at her phone messages.
She had been texting a man, as I’d feared. But I was shocked to see that man was her ex-husband. He was very complimentary, calling her beautiful, and reminiscing about the past when they were young.
It was clear they had met in secret a couple of times — when I thought she was at work.
I don’t think they have slept together yet but it’s surely only a matter of time. From what I can work out, he’s single again after another divorce.
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Now I don’t know whether I should confront her with what I’ve discovered, or say nothing.
Even if she’s not having an affair, she’s lied to me by omission. She hasn’t ever mentioned that they are back in touch.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you invade another person’s privacy, it is rarely a wise move. It inevitably opens a can of worms.
But now you know she’s been hiding the truth from you, you need to say something for your own peace of mind.
Perhaps rather than admitting you have snooped, you could give her the opportunity to come clean first.
Tell her you are aware she’s unhappy and have noticed she’s been spending a lot of time on her phone. Ask her if something is going on.
If she doesn’t admit the truth, perhaps you should then tell her you know she is back in touch with her ex.
Maybe it’s that she was flattered by his attention because she feels something is missing in your marriage.
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It sounds like you want to repair your relationship, so make it clear you love her and want to sort things out.
My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should help you to do this.