Daughter and boyfriend always borrow money from me and never pay it back
DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE become the Bank of Mum and Dad without intending to – and I’m not happy about it.
My daughter and her boyfriend take borrowing money from me for granted. And worse, they never pay it back!
I’m a 52-year-old single mother and my daughter and her boyfriend are 25.
At first, I was happy to help them out with their money problems.
They are just starting out and have low-paid jobs, and no savings.
I know how hard it is for young people with the cost of living these days, so when they moved in together last year, I offered to help them with the deposit for their flat.
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They were very grateful and promised to pay me back. I said they didn’t need to, it was a gift.
However, since then, my daughter has repeatedly asked to “borrow” amounts of £50 to £100, but never pays it back.
It’s as if they think anything I give them is a gift.
Lately, I’ve helped with money for the gas bill, a new microwave, an electric blanket and even food shopping.
It’s not that I can’t afford it, but I am starting to feel used and that makes me resentful. I know neither of them earns much, yet they do need to learn to live within their means and not rely on my generosity.
How can I help them to change their behaviour and learn to budget?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Even if they don’t mean to, they’re taking advantage of your generosity.
By constantly dishing out handouts you aren’t helping them learn to be self-sufficient either.
You need to tell them the bank is shutting up shop and it’s time they learned to manage without you.
That way, when you want to give them a gift, it’s your choice, not theirs.
If you’re worried about upsetting them, take a look at my Standing Up For Yourself support pack, which shows you how to have this type of conversation without making the other person defensive.
Give them my support pack on Family Finances to help them manage their money better.
If they do need a loan in future, make sure you agree in advance to set up a repayment schedule and a regular standing order from their bank account into yours, so there’s no risk of misunderstandings.
