Should I forgive my elderly mother for enabling my horrible step father?

DEAR DEIDRE: Should I forgive my mother for constantly putting my horrible step father before me and my siblings?

For years she dismissed us and refused to see the way he treated us, but now she’s alone and old, I feel guilty for leaving her on her own.

I’m a 55-year-old man and my mum is 86. 

Growing up we used to have a close relationship and she was such a caring mother. There wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do for us. 

Then one day she met my stepdad, who changed everything. He was an awful man. 

From the beginning he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with us kids – unless it was to belittle and bully us.

At the same time our mum started to change and took his side.

Over the years I tried my best to tolerate him, but it all came to a head when he started to treat my children in the same way.

At that point, I had no problem cutting them off. 

I never felt guilty about the decision, until recently when I heard that my stepfather had passed away.

While she doesn’t deserve it, a part of me wants to reach out, but I’m worried I’ll get grief from my siblings.

I just can’t get the idea of her sitting alone at home out of my head. 

DEIDRE SAYS: Try not to worry what your siblings will say and follow how you feel.

If you don’t reach out because of fear of what others will think, you will only live to regret in the future.

Perhaps this could be your chance to make amends and have a heart-to-heart with your mum now that your step dad is out of the way. 

My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, might help you to tell her how you feel, in a way that allows her to open up also.

You can also find help through Stand Alone (), which supports adults estranged from family.