Dear Deidre
My wife’s secret snogs have killed our sex life
DEAR DEIDRE: After finding out my wife had a three-year-long emotional affair with another man, we’ve worked hard to get our marriage back on track but our sex life is floundering.
Although I have forgiven her, and we’ve worked on our relationship, any intimacy is virtually non-existent.
I’m 42 and she’s 43. We’ve been married for 15 years and have two children.
I learned about the ‘affair’ at Christmas, when my wife kept disappearing off to text her ‘lover’.
I demanded to know what was going on and after she burst into tears, she admitted it all.
He’s a guy, 38, who she used to work with. She said they were friends at first - which I didn’t mind - but then they both went on a business trip and grew closer.
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Our relationship wasn’t great at the time. I probably took her for granted and worked too much, letting her deal with the kids.
Yet I do love her deeply and would never get involved with another woman. My wife is my best friend and my confidante.
She said they only kissed and didn’t have full sex, which I do believe. She was extremely sorry.
But it still hurts as much - or even more, perhaps - than if they actually had full sexual intercourse.
I understand her reasons - he made her feel attractive and interesting - which I didn’t anymore.
I have tried to change that. We’ve had counselling, talked a lot and are getting on well - except in the bedroom.
She goes through the motions if I want sex, but doesn’t seem to enjoy it. That makes me start thinking about her ‘lover’, which puts me off too.
I don’t know how to solve this issue and fear her affair has ruined our sex life forever. Is it time to call it quits?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You love your wife and have made an effort to repair your marriage, so it would be a shame to walk away now, rather than work on your intimacy.
Clearly, your bedroom problems are rooted in her affair and its impact on you.
Perhaps she feels guilty and can’t relax, or maybe she can sense you’re thinking about what happened.
You both need to talk honestly about this. Stress how much you’re both missing out.
If you don’t make progress then consider sex therapy as part of couples counselling.
See my support pack Sex Therapy for more about this. The one on Saving Your Sex Life should also be helpful.
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