DEAR DEIDRE
I told my boyfriend my fantasy is to watch him have sex with another woman – and now he’s confused
READ Dear Deidre Editor Sally Land's personal replies to today's problems.
DEAR DEIDRE: PLAYING around one bedtime, my boyfriend asked me if I’d consider an open relationship.
But when I admitted my fantasy, he was appalled and is now sulky.
We’ve been together for three years and have never been adventurous in bed, although I’ve secretly wanted to be.
So when he asked about non-monogamy, I was excited and hoped this would be an opportunity to start exploring our sexual relationship.
I really fancy him but he has convinced himself my sexual dream must mean I’m gay.
We are both in our early thirties and in his mind opening up our relationship meant we could go off and have sex with other people, with each other’s blessing.
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He was clearly taken aback when I revealed I’d like to watch him having sex with another woman.
The thought of watching him undress and get intimate with a curvy, confident woman really turns me on.
In my fantasy it’s all about them — watching them move together — and afterwards my boyfriend and I have sex together alone while talking about his session with this other woman.
But in his head, I’m introducing him to the idea that I only like women.
He is convinced this is only the start and soon enough he’ll get edged out.
I’m not even sure if I’d want to make this fantasy a reality but he is convinced I’m going to leave him for another woman.
He’s a great guy but I am getting fed up with him.
He won’t listen to what I’m saying.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Your boyfriend sounds insecure and his reaction is making me wonder if perhaps a former relationship, or another key relationship in his life, broke down around issues of sexuality.
If you want to make your relationship work, the only way is through communication.
Keep talking, and reassuring him.
Ask him to think about why your fantasy is making him feel so threatened.
But you also need to set some boundaries because everyone has their limits.
Tell him there will come a point where he needs to decide if he can move on and trust you.
Otherwise you will get to a point where you would be better off going your separate ways.
On the surface, your issue is about sex, but the deeper issues here are trust and communication.
I’m sending you my support pack Relationship MOT to help you work on this together.
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