I had revenge sex to get back at my husband but now I’m consumed with guilt
DEAR DEIDRE: I THOUGHT having revenge sex after my husband cheated on me, would enable me to move on.
Instead I feel consumed with guilt; not because I feel sorry for my husband about what I did, but because I disrespected myself so much.
My husband is 34 and I am 32. We have been together for four years. I suspected my husband was up to no good because he began acting oddly - permanently attached to his phone and behaving secretively.
I then found receipts in his pockets for flowers and gifts that weren’t for me. I found sexy texts on his phone from another woman.
It turned out it was someone on his pub quiz team. He denied any wrongdoing until I showed him the proof. He promised it was a mistake and apologised over and over.
I was furious with him and decided to join a dating site for married people. I got chatting and spoke to one guy for a few months.
He sounded lovely but I knew he was breadcrumbing me by saying everything he thought I wanted to hear, still I didn’t mind.
We finally met up one night and I had the revenge sex I craved but it has backfired spectacularly because now I feel as though I have made myself look cheap.
Then I felt guilty for this guy’s wife. She is the innocent party and likely has no idea what her husband is doing.
Why do I feel like this? It was supposed to be revenge sex; short, sweet and done with. Instead I feel like a huge failure.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: I understand your anger with your husband but taking revenge usually turns sour. You admit you don’t like yourself very much after what you allowed to happen.
You need to draw a line under this. Tell your husband you are deeply hurt and you can’t just move as if nothing has happened.
He has to be prepared to work on strengthening your marriage and convincing you that was a huge mistake.
You now need to cut through the lies and stop seeking revenge. Start talking together about how you both really feel.
Staying happily married is hard but you’ll find it much harder to split from your husband and start again.
Couples counselling can help you rebuild trust. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? and How Counselling Can Help explains how.
Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team
Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors.
Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.
You can also send a private message on the Facebook page or email us at: