When I was worried about turning into my manipulative mother, you reassured me

DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER many years spent angry and frustrated at my selfish, manipulative mother, I wrote for help. 

Although I loved her, she was very cold and made everything about herself.

I’m 35 and she’s 67.

She’d ring me and keep talking for three hours - which affected my relationship with my husband and kids. 

My marriage eventually fell apart and I became depressed. 

She never helped with my kids, unless it was on her terms, but still expected to be ‘star grandma’.

I’d begun to worry history was repeating itself, and I was a bad mum too.

You told me she had narcissistic tendencies and that it was unlikely she’d ever change.

I needed to accept that and stop feeling guilty, because I’d done my best.

You also reassured me I was a great mum and nothing like her.  

You recommended Stand Alone (standalone.org.uk), which helps people estranged from a family member and suggested counselling.

Then you wrote back to check on me and, when I said I wasn’t doing well, gave me more advice and comfort. 

It meant so much, and has made me feel I can work through my issues.

DEIDRE SAYS: Sometimes, the healthiest thing we can do is keep toxic loved ones at arm's length.