DEAR DEIDRE
My wife wants an open marriage to hide the fact she’s secretly gay
I had absolutely no idea that she liked women when we first met
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife has told me she wants an open marriage. It might sound exciting but really it's just a cover for the fact she doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore.
She’s admitted she’s only attracted to women, so if I want intimacy, I’ll have to look elsewhere.
We’ve been married for 20 years. I’m 48 and she’s 49.
I had absolutely no idea that she liked women when we first met. In fact, she seemed not to be able to get enough of sex, wanting it several times a day.
But a few years ago, she changed. She became moody and aggressive, both in daily life and in the bedroom.
She told me she wanted me to act like the woman in bed.
I was disgusted and refused. After that, sex dried up entirely.
Every time I was affectionate towards her, she rejected me which was so upsetting.
She told me she no longer found me - or any men - attractive. In fact, she wasn’t sure she ever really had.
She admitted she’d had lesbian lovers before we met, and during our marriage.
This knocked me sideways. I said I forgave her and asked if she wanted to split up, but she said no.
Since then, I’ve been very low. Instead of agreeing to talk about it, she told me to stop moping around.
She said if I wanted sex that badly, I should get it from another woman.
I still love her but I increasingly feel she’s using me for financial security.
Should I take a lover?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You also have a say in where your marriage is heading. At the moment your wife is calling all the shots.
Taking a lover might give you short-term sexual satisfaction, but would not make you happy or improve your relationship with your wife.
It sounds like she has checked out both sexually and emotionally from your marriage since she came out to you. You may be right that she’s only sticking around for financial reasons.
You love her, but you need to ask yourself what you’re getting from your marriage, other than rejection and heartache.
Walking away might give you the chance to find happiness with someone else.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, could help you to have a heart-to-heart with your wife.
I also recommend couples counselling. If she won’t go, then consider it alone.You can contact Tavistock Relationships ().
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