Never mind sex, I can’t even get a hug from my husband

DEAR DEIDRE: NEVER mind sex, I can’t even get a hug from my husband.  

I’ve tried everything to get the spark back, but he isn’t interested. I feel like all I am to him is a cook and cleaner.

We’ve been married for seven years. I’m 42 and he’s 47.

Our sex life was fine at the start – normal. But for the past three years, we haven’t had sex at all. 

If I come on to him, he knocks me back, leaving me feeling humiliated and unattractive. 

He just says he isn’t in the mood, or is tired, and makes me feel I’m hassling him.

I’ve bought sexy underwear, taken him away for the weekend to a spa, made him romantic dinners. Nothing works and I end up feeling even more rejected than before.

The worst thing is, he won’t show me any affection. If I try to kiss him, he turns his face away and I end up giving him a peck on the cheek like I’m his mum.

I want to feel loved and desired and feel I’m wasting away. 

What can I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like your husband has physically checked out of your marriage.

It’s both unfair to you, and very distressing. Please believe this isn’t about how attractive you are.

You need to talk to him and tell him how unhappy you are, and that you want to try to restore the intimacy you shared.

It’s possible he has a physical or psychological issue that he doesn’t want to admit. 

Or he may be unhappy in your relationship. Ask him to be honest with you. 

If you don’t know what’s wrong, you can’t help.

My support pack, Saving Your Sex Life, should be useful. Suggest you read it together.

Ask if he’ll consider counselling. See my support pack, How Sex Therapy Helps.