I don’t even know who the father of my children is as I’ve cheated so much

DEAR DEIDRE: DURING sex, I get my partner to pretend we are having an affair. But it’s not just a fantasy for me – it’s the truth.

He is unaware that I have cheated so much, I don’t even know who is the father of my children.

My partner and I are both in our 50s and we’ve been together for 30 years, with three kids.

He’s a good, kind man but those qualities do nothing for me in bed. To enjoy sex, I have to pretend we are cheating.

I tell myself he’s a lusty stranger, or get him to pretend he’s a sleazy repairman.

He thinks it’s just a fun role-play fantasy. It’s not. It’s my life.

Soon after we met, I started an affair with a colleague that went on for 15 years.

I knew it would never be a real relationship, but I was hooked on the rough, meaningless sex.

We would have long video calls, during which we would both get naked. Or we would meet for car park sex at lunchtime.

The more degraded I felt, the more it turned me on.

During this affair, I got pregnant three times. I’m still not certain if the kids all have the same father.

When the affair finally finished, I tried to stay faithful.

If my partner and I pretended to be cheating, it was almost as erotic. But it didn’t give me the same thrill.

I’ve recently met a new man in a no-strings sex chatroom. I’m tempted to cheat again.

Why am I like this? Is it because I was sexually abused when I was very young? Can I ever recover and learn to enjoy normal, loving sex?

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DEIDRE SAYS: Sadly, your child­hood trauma is likely still affecting your sex life.

Trauma survivors often find it hard to distinguish between sex and love when they grow up.

They can become hooked on sex, when really what they’re searching for is someone to value them.

Look at my support pack Abused As A Child. It explains the long-lasting effects of childhood abuse but also details where you can turn for help. It’s never too late.

I understand why you are tempted to stray again, but it won’t heal the pain.

Your partner is a good, kind man who has been a wonderful father to your children.

You say you’re not sure he is their real father – only a DNA test could discern that accurately. He has certainly been a dependable father figure throughout their lives.

Don’t start another affair. Instead, seek help to heal your trauma then focus on building a happy, stable future with your partner.

Kind, honest lovemaking could be the best sex you’ve ever had.