How do I support my best friend through her daughter’s terminal diagnosis?

DEAR DEIDRE: MY best friend’s daughter is dying, and I don’t know how to support her.

She blames her mum for leaving her abusive dad and I’m scared they won’t be reconciled when the inevitable occurs.

I’m 52 and she is 53. We’ve been friends for 30 years.

Her daughter, now 28, was born with cystic fibrosis and has spent her whole life in and out of hospital. 

My friend split up with her abusive husband when their daughter was a toddler. The girl didn’t understand how bad things were and has since sided with her dad.

Five years ago, she had a lung transplant, which everybody thought had worked well.

But her body has now begun to reject the lungs and the doctors have said there’s nothing else they can do. 

She is receiving end of life care.

I am so worried about how my friend will deal with the loss of her daughter, given their difficult relationship.

At the moment, she is in denial, praying for a miracle. 

Once her daughter is gone, she’ll be bereft. I really fear for her mental health and worry she might do something stupid. 

I want to make sure I say the right thing, and show her I’m there for her, and that she isn’t alone. 

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DEIDRE SAYS: This is a tragic situation for your best friend and her daughter. You are clearly a wonderful friend.

I’m sure on some level her daughter knows she’s told the truth about her dad. She also knows how much she’s loved.

There’s no right or wrong thing to say. You just need to keep on being there for her when the time comes. 

She may well need some external, professional help, which you can point her towards. 

The Compassionate Friends is an organisation for bereaved parents (, tel: 0345 123 2304), where she will find people who understand what she’s going through.

Also give her my support pack about Bereavement and suggest she has counselling.