I’ve been married to a complete con artist for 35 years

DEAR DEIDRE: THE wedge of love letters and sexually explicit notes from an array of different women gave me all the evidence I needed. I had been married to a complete con artist for 35 years. 

I’ve been taken for a fool and I’m so angry with myself for believing all the lies, tricks and manipulations. 

I’m 60, he’s 66, and we have two sons together. 

From the very beginning he was very intense and sold me the world. 

Looking back, all the signs were always there.

There was a recurring pattern: he’d grow distant and start spending less time at home, I’d confront him about it, he’d reassure me that there was nothing to worry about, and then he’d pull a few grand romantic gestures to make the peace. 

For years I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster with constant ups and downs.

I knew deep down something was amiss, but he always managed to manipulate and gaslight me into believing I was wrong. 

Everything really began to spiral ten years ago when he stopped having sex with me altogether. He claimed he was struggling with erectile dysfunction and had lost all desire for intimacy. 

I had spent so long convincing myself that I was being delusional until I discovered the letters dating back years in his bedside table. I was gobsmacked. 

When I confronted him, it was as if something snapped and his facade finally disappeared. 

I’d never seen such rage and hatred in all my life. He told me he’d never loved me and had been using me all along. 

Now he’s left me for another woman, and I’m devastated.

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Sex worries, cheating, heartbreak... Dear Deidre is here to help

DEIDRE SAYS: I can only imagine how hurt you are after realising that the person you love isn’t the man you thought he was.

It’s clear he’s spent years gaslighting, manipulating, and deceiving you, and it’s understandable that this is hard to process. 

However, you mustn’t blame yourself. This clearly has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

As hard as it will be initially, you need to focus on yourself and adjust to your new reality. 

It will take time, but you will start to heal and eventually see that this may be a blessing in disguise.

Getting some counselling to work through your feelings will help. My support pack How Counselling Can Help explains more.