I’m hooked on webcam sex and have spent thousands of pounds — but now I’ve ended up addicted and alone
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Dear Deidre
I HAVE spent thousands of pounds and wasted thousands of hours on webcamming.
When I think about what else I could have spent the money on, I feel sick.
I am 26 and single but I have a very strong sex drive, which I think must be fuelling this addiction.
Sometimes I think it leaves me unable to care for real people in a proper relationship.
I find myself wondering why I should put in a lot of effort and end up with an average-looking girl when I can get what I want from a stunning girl at the click of a mouse.
It began when I was living alone in a bedsit.
I have never minded my own company but I soon got bored in the evenings and started paying for webcam shows.
I found it more thrilling than porn as I could dictate the action and interact with the performers.
I realise now it is an addiction because I have tried to quit many times over the past few years.
I can never go without it for more than a couple of weeks.
I have only myself to blame but I really do want to move on with my life.
I have tried online dating but without much success.
I have had the occasional fling here and there as a result but that is all.
I have all but given up messaging girls on dating apps as I find many of them boring.
In any case, quite often they don’t reply.
So I am stuck with my addiction — even though I am getting nowhere — while friends and the people I grew up with are settled, married and starting families.
I know this is my own stupid fault but how do I move on?
DEIDRE SAYS: When an addiction is as strong as this, informed help and support is needed to overcome it.
My e-leaflet on Internet Pornography Worries explains how this kind of addiction takes hold and you can contact Sex Addicts Anonymous for understanding and support while you turn your life around (, 07843 108302).
This will also give you the encouragement to realise you are actually doing something to make your life better.
The other aspect of your problem you must tackle is the lack of contact with real people.
You need to be busy and interested in what is going on in the outside world so you don’t resort to webcamming to fill the loneliness.
When you start meeting people face to face and building friendships with them, you will be well on your way to finding that special person to plan a future with.
My e-leaflet How To Find The Love Of Your Life has suggestions to get you on the right track.
Topic for today
PANIC attacks can be terrifying and make you feel like you’re dying.
They underlie most phobias.
Yet simple techniques can help you survive them and eventually stop them.
My e-leaflet Coping With Panic Attacks explains – email the address below for it.
Email me at [email protected] for a copy
Partner's kids are too much
Dear Deidre
MY partner’s children run rings round him.
If they say “jump”, he asks how high.
We have been together for more than a year and our relationship is really good.
I have a daughter but she is grown up and no bother.
I am 49, my partner is 50 and his kids are 15 and 12.
If we are out somewhere and they text him, we have to hurry home so he can do their bidding.
This might just be to get something from the local shop or ferry one of them to a friend’s house.
DEIDRE SAYS: Probably he feels guilty about not being at home with his kids.
They resent his living away so try to behave as though he isn’t.
Also, remember these children are hurting.
That said, it’s not good for them to be calling the shots like this.
Ask your partner to enforce some sensible boundaries – for instance, they wait until your trip is finished before he goes.
MOST READ IN DEAR DEIDRE IN 2017
He keeps me from his mum
Dear Deidre
I HAVE never met my boyfriend’s mother and this makes me feel very excluded from his life, as though he must be ashamed of me.
We have been together for three years.
He is 23 and I am 22.
I know his mum is very important to him but I have been kept at a distance all this time.
I am not allowed to meet his friends, either.
We never go out locally during the day.
If I mention it, I get excuses that make no sense.
He says he wants us to have a life together but he doesn’t involve me in any of his major decisions.
I try not to moan but it affects my confidence.
I love him but I feel he cannot love me if he wants to keep me so detached from his life.
DEIDRE SAYS: It looks as though your deepest fear, that he must be hiding something, is correct.
Either he has another girlfriend or he knows his family and friends would not approve of you.
Maybe his parents have other ideas for his future.
This leaves you almost certainly facing rejection one day.
Don’t let it come to that.
Tell him either he involves you in his life or you will part.
Low libido is making me low
Dear Deidre
I FEEL I am not a real man any more because I just can’t get an erection.
I am 56 and was diagnosed with prostate cancer a few months ago.
I had surgery to remove it and things are going well healthwise – but my sex life has suffered.
My partner, who is 52, says she doesn’t mind no longer having intercourse, but I do.
I have tried Viagra and Cialis but they don’t help.
I can’t ejaculate any more but that is OK.
What I long for is to get an erection.
We are going on holiday later this month and I would so like things to be good before then.
DEIDRE SAYS: For most men erections are important psychologically but don’t overlook what you can still share and enjoy.
There is a lot of sexual pleasure to be found by intimate touching and caressing.
Find out about treatment from Prostate Cancer UK (, 0800 074 8383).
Cannabis is ruining our lives
Dear Deidre
MY brother is hooked on marijuana after getting in with the wrong crowd.
Mum can’t cope with him when he comes home high.
He is 18.
He says hurtful things to her then goes off for days on end.
She doesn’t know he also uses class-A drugs.
I am so worried for him.
He uses them every day and is always late for work.
He picks fights with my youngest brother, who is 15, even physically hurting him.
I am a guy of 22. I moved out a year ago.
Mum says she cannot go on like this, seeing my brother wreck our lives.
She feels it is her fault and blames her parenting.
DEIDRE SAYS: You must be careful not to make your brother’s problem your problem.
He will only give up the drugs when he wants to do so for himself.
Your mum needs to be the one dishing out the discipline, rather than you.
If she finds it hard to be firm with him, she can find support at DrugFAM, which helps the families of those with a drug or alcohol problem (, 0300 888 3853).
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