My husband’s a gambler and a player – I trashed his car but now he tells me to put our assets in my name

DEAR DEIDRE:  I SAW red when I found my husband had been having an affair.

I trashed his car and office, and shut down all his business and social media accounts.

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We have been together for 16 years. I started getting suspicious a few months ago when I found messages on his phone to a woman he was calling up to ten times day.

He said she was just someone to chat to as I was always busy.

I am 43 and he is 48. Sex has been non-existent for the past four months but his excuse was he was tired. I believed him as he runs his own haulage company and it is stressful.

I run the office side of things.

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Over the years we have gone through a lot, it has not been a bed of roses. When we met he was divorced but still spent most weekends with his ex and kids. She knew nothing about us for nearly two years.

He had a gambling addiction which nearly cost us the business and our home.

And he used to watch porn constantly.

I found women’s underwear hidden in a cupboard which he said he’d kept from an old relationship for sentimental reasons. I also discovered naked pics of him on his phone which he had sent to a girl.

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I managed to get to his phone when he was asleep one morning and called a number that was on there many times a day.

It was his lover, who said he’d told her we were getting divorced and that he just rented a room in our house.

That’s when I trashed everything. After a lot of tears and rows he did apologise and said he realised what he stands to lose. He is now trying to do everything to make it work between us.

I thought we were making headway. I paid for his car to be repaired and I sorted out all the office accounts. Then I found a bill in his coat pocket which proves he is still paying for her phone.

He tells me to put the business and house in my name but I am not sure I can trust him again.

DEIDRE SAYS: Given his history of addictive habits, all of which were an escape from dealing with his inner emotional demons, it is not surprising you struggle to believe him.

Every time you discover his latest secretive behaviour, it will bring him back in line temporarily, but pushing boundaries is all part of his unwillingness to own his actions. He is used to the habit of you taking responsibility.

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Your strength and willingness to forgive is not enough to resolve your problems. And it is draining you emotionally.

Tell him your marriage is in crisis now and you can only move forward if you address all the real issues together.

He’s going to have to be willing to look at some painful old stuff that still affects him now. My e-leaflet How Counselling Can Help explains more.

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