Family lawyer reveals top tips for surviving divorce and not causing heartache for the kids
IF January was not already depressing enough, it has now been dubbed divorce month.
“Divorce” soars as a search term online, while calls to counselling service Relate are up 25 per cent on the average month.
Davina McCall this week called her divorce from Matthew Robertson “traumatic”, adding: “It is something that needs to be navigated as carefully as possible.
“Two years on, we have both grown as people and we can now co-parent happily and acknowledge it was the right thing for us, even though it involved absolute emotional turmoil.”
But how can you best navigate a separation?
Here, Laura Naser, a lawyer with Penningtons Manches Cooper and author of The Family Lawyer’s Guide To Separation And Divorce gives her tips.
Finding support
YOU will need support at this difficult time, even if the separation starts off amicably. Don’t underestimate the emotional impact it can have.
You can seek this from family and friends, a counsellor (either individually or as a couple) or your GP, but beware the “pub divorce lawyer” and “search engine lawyer” whose advice is unlikely to be applicable to you.
Options for separation
A TEMPORARY separation can give you space but if reconciliation is not on the cards, you may opt to separate formally.
Whether or not you are married, it will be better to bring some formality to your separation by agreeing financial terms and arrangements regarding any children.
If you are married or in a civil partnership, you might want to seek a divorce or dissolution, letting you make your financial division official.
Child arrangements and co-parenting
YOUR children should be the priority in all this and their best interests should be at the forefront of your decision-making.
Try to agree together when the children will spend time with you both post-separation.
When possible, keep them informed together too. Keep them out of grown-up issues and don’t pin blame on each other as the cause of the separation.
It is likely that you will share parental responsibility, so consult each other on major decisions involved in their health, education, religious upbringing, name and where they live.
Financial separation and any potential claims
IF you are unmarried, your financial claims are limited to only what you own jointly.
But your children will have financial claims which can be made on their behalf, including child maintenance, lump-sum payments and property transfers.
If you are married, you are not limited by joint ownership.
The law allows for the transfer or sale of assets, regardless of which spouse is the legal owner, and there is provision for the payment of spousal maintenance.
If you are married, it is vital you legally end your financial claims against each other. If you don’t, you will be left looking over your shoulder for years to come.
How to communicate
BE kind. Speak nicely. Think about what you say, how and why. Pick your battles and be considerate.
Don’t push boundaries, which could tip into harassment and criminal matters. Don’t post about your ex on social media and keep your private life private.
If there are problems, change how you communicate. Stick to email, say, or — as a temporary thing — via a trusted friend or family member.
Avoiding court
COURT should be a last resort, so do what you can to resolve your dispute in other ways. Options include solicitor correspondence and mediation.
Lawyers bring some formality and well-explained reason to disputes, upping the chances of resolution. If you opt for mediation, get legal advice first.
Formalising your agreement
IF you can agree on all the arrangements for your children, that is great. But get the detail down in an email so you are both clear on what’s been agreed.
If you fear your ex partner might not keep to the agreement, you can have it made into a court order. (without the need to attend court yourself).
For financial separation on divorce, a court order should be considered mandatory, even if a settlement is agreed away from court. Get a family lawyer to draft your orders for you so it is done properly and is enforceable.
Your future
IF you have children, you and your ex still have a shared future as co-parents. You must work out how that will work.
An amicable separation is the best foundation for future co- parenting.
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If you move on with new partners, be considerate and do not introduce them to your children until the new relationship is established, settled and has a long-term future.
Co-habiting and/or remarrying might affect the terms of your financial order, so take legal advice.
You can be proactive and enter into a co-habitation agreement or nuptial agreement to decide what will happen if you later separate.
- The Family Lawyer’s Guide To Separation And Divorce, by Laura Naser, is out now, Vermilion, £9.99.
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