Why I decided to set up a charity after my boyfriend killed himself

Hollie Boyle, 31, is a full-time mum and lives in Essex with her twins Charly and Oscar, six. Her husband, Matt, took his away his own life six-months before the boys’ birthdays. She has set up a charity to help others, and hope that Matt can finally find peace.

“Watching my sons Charly and Oscar rip open their presents, I struggled not to cry. It was their sixth birthday and they were thrilled, but their dad Matt was missing. He had taken his own life six months earlier.

I met Matt through friends in February 2012, in Essex where we’d both grown up. Caring and considerate, he was different from anyone I’d ever been out with.

He loved nature and our first few dates were long walks in the countryside. But as much as I adored him, our relationship was never plain sailing. He suffered with anxiety, especially around strangers, which meant he couldn’t work.

He refused to get a diagnosis or take medication as he hated going to the doctor. I just hoped he would get better with time. We moved into his mum’s house together in March 2012. It was quick, but it felt right.

But when I fell pregnant unexpectedly with twins in February 2013, Matt’s anxiety got worse. He spent the pregnancy worrying about how we’d feed and clothe our babies, as we were only just making ends meet on my wage as a teaching assistant

My pregnancy wasn’t easy, as I developed pre-eclampsia, and the boys were delivered seven weeks early by emergency Caesarean on October 26, 2013. With their tufts of dark hair and olive skin, they were the image of their dad.

Cradling Oscar, I watched Matt’s mum place Charly on his chest and it was like a light being switched on – the tension disappeared from his face. Matt loved being a dad, and he’d spend hours with the babies, talking to them about nature and space.

By then we’d moved into our own flat, and when I returned to my job as a teaching assistant after eight months, Matt was happy at home with the boys.

But, slowly, as the twins grew older, his mental health deteriorated, and by the time they were five, he would have a panic attack every time he tried to leave the house. His mum and I both begged him to see a doctor, but Matt said he couldn’t face it.

Instead he withdrew more from the world, spending most of the day in bed. By March 2019, he’d become so distant and critical of everything I did that we were always fighting.

He was still helping with the boys, but our relationship had suffered so much that I took the twins and went to stay with my mum to give us space.

Over those next few weeks, I called and texted Matt often, but he made no attempt to see the boys, which was out of character.

Two weeks later, he asked me round for coffee. He told me he hated being without the kids, but he didn’t want them seeing him so low. He said he missed me, and I told him we still had a future if he’d just get some hel

That night, I went to bed feeling brighter. However, the next day I couldn’t reach him. Worried, I decided to go to the flat that afternoon. But as I was about to leave, I got a call from Matt’s best friend.

Her voice was trembling as she told me Matt’s mum had just found him dead in our flat. He had hanged himself in our living room on April 14, 2019, aged 34.

I felt like I’d been hit by a lorry. Devastated, I stayed at my mum’s with the kids, barely registering when Matt’s family and friends came to visit.

It was four days before I told the boys. I explained their daddy had died from a sickness in his head and that he was looking down on them from the moon.

They were sad, but they didn’t quite understand as they were so young. They kept me going during the day, but when I was alone, I’d break down.

I also saw a text from Matt on my phone after his death that I hadn’t opened. In it, he told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, but that he couldn’t cope with life.

At Matt’s funeral two weeks later, I was inconsolable. The next few months were hell. Clearing out his things, I found a video he’d made for the boys, telling them how much he loved them. I’ll let them watch it when they’re older.

Since Matt’s death, the boys regularly attend play therapy, and I’ve been to four therapy sessions, which have really helped. But losing their dad has taken its toll on the kids.

Oscar cries every time he has to say goodbye to anyone, when before he was outgoing. Charly, who was always placid, gets mad if anyone plays with his toys. I’m now living with my mum as I couldn’t face going back to the flat.

When the boys opened their presents on their birthday in October, the grief was still raw. But I didn’t want them growing up in this shadow, so I’ve set up charity Off2TheMoon.

It aims to provide professional ‘befrienders’ to people affected by suicide, as well as a rural retreat where they can get head space. I hope that by me helping others Matt can finally find peace.”

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