Only women fake it and men have a higher sex drive — 11 sex myths busted
ONLY women fake orgasms and men have much higher sex drives . . . just two of the most common myths we are fed about sex.
New book Great Sexpectations, by Gemma Cribb and James Findlay, attempts to lift the lid on what really goes on between us between the sheets.
Gemma, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist says: “Sex and relationships are important aspects of most people’s mental health, well-being and self-esteem, but the sources of information at our disposal are inadequate.
“As a result, most of us have some form of unrealistic or unhelpful sexpectations.
“We need to have a new awareness of what sex is for us as individuals. And this awareness needs to inform new, open and honest conversations around sex.”
Here, in an exclusive extract from the book, Natasha Harding reveals 11 lies we are led to believe about our libidos.
1. SEX IS SPONTANEOUS
Most people think desire should be spontaneous, as this is how we see desire portrayed on TV, in the movies and in porn.
The images we see feature couples going about their days when, all of a sudden, a lightning bolt of sexual desire hits and they are swept up in the throes of passion.
But for most people, it is not like that.
Most couples in long-term relationships need to schedule time for sex and although it might mean some of the spontaneity is lost, it ensures you are still making time to connect with each other regularly.
2. YOU HAVE TO BE AROUSED BEFORE SEX
Desire can follow arousal rather than precede it, meaning some people have to be involved in sexual activity before they desire it. This is true for both men and women.
One study found that 97 per cent of women and 60 per cent of men reported having engaged in sexual behaviour although desire was absent.
Research shows that both sexes have many reasons for making love other than desire.
Some use sex to increase emotional closeness, as a form of stress relief, to share physical pleasure or feel attractive.
3. MEN HAVE HIGHER SEX DRIVES THAN WOMEN
The male libido is often viewed as an innate, animalistic drive, always ready to be aroused. It is also assumed sex is a biological imperative for men, like hunger.
However, biologically men and women might actually be more similar than our sexpectations would have us believe.
Brain scans have shown that what happens in women’s brains is pretty much the same as what happens in men’s brains when they look at sexual imagery.
Male and female libidos are equally influenced by things such as depression, stress levels and relationship satisfaction.
4. ONLY WOMEN FAKE ORGASMS
Many men are very focused on getting their partners to orgasm and withholding their own orgasm before this is achieved.
Often, women feel pressure to reach orgasm to save their partner’s feelings.
As a consequence, both men and women will fake orgasm rather than make non-orgasmic sex an enjoyable part of their sexual repertoire. A recent survey revealed that 48 per cent of women and 11 per cent of men faked orgasm, usually to please their partner or get it over with.
For anyone who has ever experienced this, questioning the sexpectation that good sex is all about the “big O” could be a game-changer.
5. PASSION FADES IN RELATIONSHIPS OVER TIME
We are led to believe passion fades in the long term. Studies have shown that the same sexy stimulus ceases to produce the same arousal with repetition over time.
But a 2011 survey found that 40 per cent of respondents married for ten years or longer reported being intensely in love.
Brain scans of people who reported still being in love after at least ten years of marriage showed that the dopamine-reward system part of the brain still lit up when they looked at photos of their spouse.
6. ALL ORGASMS ARE THE SAME
Many people don’t know that men can orgasm without ejaculation.
This dry orgasm can occur for a variety of medical reasons but can also be trained with masturbation. Men can also ejaculate without orgasm.
Women have different types of orgasm and some are better than others.
The clitoral orgasm is the fastest way for women to orgasm.
The G-spot orgasm comes from stimulating the anterior wall of the vagina.
These orgasms feel like waves of pleasure that spread throughout the body — starting from inside the vagina. Similarly, the cervical orgasm is produced through stimulation of the cervix and is described as extended, full-body waves of pleasure accompanied by a sense of peace and joy.
7. WATCHING PORN MAKES SEX BETTER
Worrying how they look can often impede some people’s enjoyment of sex.
Rather than question their sexpectations around what bodies are sexy, they blame themselves for not looking good enough.
As well as making us more self-conscious, porn also negatively impacts our perceptions of our partners’ bodies.
However, our decreased satisfaction does not stop at physical appearance.
After watching porn, studies show both genders were less satisfied with their partners.
Yet the recent explosion of the amateur category of porn indicates that people are wanting to see more natural bodies . . . which is surely a good thing.
8. WE NEEDN’T TALK ABOUT SEX
No matter how much sex we have had, don’t assume you know what works for a partner.
Remember, no two bodies are the same and we all like different things.
Most people want to please their partners and get it right but may not always ask the right questions.
Asking for what you want, giving and getting sexual feedback, is a gift that could improve your sex life.
9. MASTURBATION IS SHAMEFUL
Because of the shame around masturbation and fear of being caught, many men learn early on to masturbate quickly and efficiently with the sole goal of orgasm.
For the same reasons — and perhaps also because of the anatomy of female genitals being more inside, less obvious and harder to explore — many women never learn to masturbate.
But masturbation provides the best opportunity to explore the sensations of different touch and to notice how our sexual energy responds.
10. YOUR SEXUAL FANTASY IS ABNORMAL
Many people fantasise about things they have no intention of ever acting out, nor would they be tempted to do so given the opportunity.
Fantasies let us explore other aspects of ourselves and they need not mean or say anything about us.
No matter how weird we might think our fantasies make us, the internet will show you loads of people who are exactly the same kind of weird! So, if fantasy works for you, fantasise freely.
11. EVERYBODY LIKES SEX THE SAME WAY
We are biased to think everyone else experiences the world as we do — and we find it difficult to grasp that whatever we like to do sexually might be a turn-off for someone else.
Similarly, whatever disgusts us might be the most special and sexual experience for someone else.
In a monogamous relationship, it is possible to have a lot of love and attraction for someone but no overlap in what you are into sexually.
The only way you will find a new turn-on is to stray outside your normal sexual repertoire.
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Think about things you would be curious to try and experiment with them.
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Remember, in a healthy relationship you can stop the experiment if it turns out you don’t enjoy it.
- Great Sexpectations: Change Your Perspective And Have The Sex You Really Want by Gemma Cribb and James Findlay, out Thursday. Trigger Publishing, £9.75.
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