Why you DON’T have to wait until 12 weeks to share happy pregnancy news, says Dr Zoe

FOR most women the first signs they are pregnant come when they miss a period.

Then comes the peeing on a stick and the home pregnancy test to confirm it.

But, for many of them – and their partners – it is a secret they keep for another few months.

In this country, it has become the societal norm to reveal you’re expecting only after a 12-week scan.

It’s an unwritten rule and one we very rarely question, but why?

In other countries across Europe, couples are more open from the get-go, sharing with family and friends as soon as they find out.

The most important thing to remember is there is no right or wrong here – each couple is different.

It’s up to you when you decide to share your pregnancy with the world.

Let’s face it, for first-time parents especially, it can take a while to take it all in yourself.

I am keen to ensure that mums and dads-to-be realise there is no hard and fast rule around this 12-week tradition.

One thing I do hear from women is that they don’t want to tell work, for fear it will damage their chances of promotion.

That’s just completely wrong, and as a society we must change this issue and ensure that women are never discriminated against.

Another reason is there still exists a taboo around baby loss.

A miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy during the first 23 weeks, after that a baby is stillborn.

The main sign you’ve suffered a miscarriage is vaginal bleeding, which can come with cramping and pain in your lower tummy.

If you experience these signs, you should call your midwife, GP or the hospital EPAU (early pregnancy assessment unit). If out of hours call 111 or attend A&E if symptoms are severe.

Some light vaginal bleeding is relatively common in the first trimester, so it doesn’t always mean you are having a miscarriage.

Most miscarriages will happen before 12 weeks, and it’s part of the reason why society has dictated it’s best to wait until that 12 week scan.

But here’s the thing, for many, many women that means they are left feeling isolated and alone, at one of the most devastating moments of their lives.

Some women might want to deal with it alone, and with the support of their partner.

But, others may benefit from speaking to their friends, sharing their tears and understanding that some of their loved ones have been through it too.

Open up

For something we rarely talk openly about, miscarriage is very common.

Around one in four women have experienced a miscarriage, while one in 100 will suffer recurrent miscarriages – that’s three or more.

The most common reason for a miscarriage is that there’s a chromosomal abnormality, which is a mistake in the genes, coming from either the sperm or the egg.

The key here is understanding it can be down to abnormalities with the sperm too.

So many women blame themselves, when the reality is there was likely a genetic fault somewhere along the line that meant the foetus just couldn’t have survived.

As a GP, I know how common miscarriage is. Unfortunately it gets even more common as we get older.

For a woman aged 40, like me, statistically 1 out of every two pregnancies will end in miscarriage.

We will almost certainly all know multiple people who have experienced miscarriage, but we don’t know they’ve been through it.

Being a doctor, I am often somebody my own friends choose to confide in. I sometimes wish I could break confidentiality to let friends know of mutual friends who have been through the same, as they could be a real source of support to one another.

So how is it best to decide if you want to tell someone you’re pregnant before 12 weeks?

My advice is to fast forward a bit, and put yourself in a situation where the worst has happened.

Who would you turn to? Who would you want to speak to, cry with or just be plain angry?

If that person is a best friend, a brother or sister then it might be worth sharing your happy news sooner – before that 12 week scan.

That way, if you do have a miscarriage, that trusted loved one can be there – however you need them.

Often a friend can be easier, because it’s easy to feel the weight of responsibility with your family and parents – especially if they’re desperate to be grandparents.

What this all boils down to is there is no right or wrong, but it’s worth just giving some thought and choosing the path that is best for you, rather than automatically following the 12-week rule.

You never know, opening up to a friend might even help them deal with their own loss – it’s a very powerful thing, knowing you are not alone.

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