From Washing My Hands Gets Me Off to Covid-69 — we rate latest in erotic fiction

GET lockdown and dirty with the pandemic’s strangest new trend: coronavirus erotica.

Bookworms were in hysterics after discovering Kissing The Coronavirus, a steamy novel about a scientist who falls in love with Covid-19 – and gets randy with the virus after it morphs into human form.

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But being cooped up has been a write turn-on with a whole host of saucy – and strange tales – about life during the coronavirus pandemic.

Here, journalist and sex expert Almara Abgarian dives into five of the hottest “corona-rotica” books on Amazon Kindle and rates them out of five.

Quaranteen: Step-sibling Love In The Time of Coronavirus

Written by clinical psychologist Dr Vickie Holmes, it follows a teenage lad in the US who is stuck in isolation with his attractive step-sister Gabi.

There are no parents around, they have flown the nest to hunt for a Covid cure in Brazil.

Then an innocent movie night quickly turns into sex in the living room and the parents’ bedroom.

Despite being written by a woman, the book is very much for the male gaze, yet as Gabi reaches over for her step-brother, I somehow find myself getting a bit hot under the collar.

Inspired by this, I call a man I am seeing to see if he has the same reaction.

But we end up too busy giggling at the voices I do for each character.

• £2.99, £6.99 in paperback

★★★☆☆

Sex During The Coronavirus Pandemic

Remember back in March, when the harsher restrictions were brought in?

That’s where this story starts, with Lucy, a lesbian who is going stir-crazy in her flat.

She has a girlfriend, but the couple don’t live together, and Lucy is becoming desperate for human contact.

While out running off her sexual frustration, she happens upon a fellow runner – an attractive girl with “taut muscles”, and they end up rolling around in the forest, lying naked on the ground, even though it’s winter.

It’s pretty basic girl-on-girl action that lacks depth, but still leaves me breathless by the end – and reminds me of a streamy tryst I had in a park with an ex-boyfriend – sadly also during freezing weather.

• £2.54

★★★☆☆

Covid-69: An Erotic Coronavirus Quarantine Story

A horny virgin is stuck in self-isolation as America is forced into lockdown – and all she wants is to have sex.

Luckily, a downstairs neighbour comes to the rescue, appearing at her door because there’s a leak in the building.

He gets his tools, fixes the problem and then pretty much offers up himself while confessing that he has always had a thing for her. That’s romance in 2020.

This is a fantasy single people like me wanted the first round of lockdown to be like.

On the whole, coronavirus erotica is pretty awful, with bad writing and even worse storylines.

Despite this, somehow, it almost works – but everyone definitely needs to get out of the house more.

• £2.57

★★★☆☆

Kissing The Coronavirus

This 16-page story by MJ Edwards tells of blonde scientist Dr Alexa Ashingtonford, who is blessed with “huge boobies, a thicc ass and nice legs”.

She is working on a vaccine with her unattractive boss Dr Gurtlychund, who later morphs into a human Covid – a green hunk with a “medium-length python” – and seduces her.

The writing is as baffling as lockdown rules, but that’s kind of the point – with lines such as “his tongue, so soft and hot, like a chunk of microwaved fish, sloshing around inside her mouth”.

Edwards also compares lace sliding across Dr Alexa’s nether regions to “a fat man on a water slide”, which had me choking with laughter.

It’s so bad, it’s almost good . . . but definitely not a turn-on.

• 99p, £4.99 in paperback

★★☆☆☆

The Physical Manifestation Of Washing My Hands Gets Me Off

Kara can never remember to follow basic hygiene protocols.

As a result, the bacteria she picks up leads her to projectile vomit twice.

So a friend suggests she asks the “sentient physical manifestation of washing your hands” for help.

This strange God, named Barlow, is made up of two, large soapy hands.

Kara ends up having sex with the deity, which apparently has a vagina in its right wrist.

They get it on in a hospital of all places, but the strange being says it’s OK because hand-washing makes her “royalty” among medical professionals.

You can’t argue with that.

I am too baffled by the ludicrous storyline to get turned on.

• £2.57

★☆☆☆☆

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