SEX SECRET
We’re married but sleep in separate beds – people assume our relationships are in trouble but we have great sex
WHEN Lynda Labi and husband Ben tell people they sleep in separate bedrooms, they are often asked if everything is OK.
But the couple have been married for 15 years and believe it is the key to their strong relationship . . . and great sex.
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Lynda, 38, who owns a baby buggy business, says of people’s reaction: “They assume that we’re arguing or splitting up.
"But they couldn’t be more wrong. Our arrangement makes me want my husband even more. It’s the key to a lasting marriage and even better sex.”
They met in 2007 after Lynda bought a TV on Gumtree from a friend of accounts manager Ben, and went to collect it.
They moved in together in 2009, wed in 2016 and now have son Micah, four, and daughter Cianna, two.
Lynda says: “We dated for two years before sharing a place, and never slept in the same bed. I’d go to his to have dinner, we would make love and then he’d drop me home as I lived five minutes away. We just preferred our own beds.”
They are far from alone, according to a survey by the National Bed Federation, which found one in six couples who live together sleep apart.
Lynda says: “At first we tried to sleep in a king-size bed but it only lasted a few weeks before we couldn’t deal with it.
‘I might surprise Ben in the shower’
“We both liked our own beds and space. Ben hated any noise while he slept, even me breathing. I hated sharing covers. So we decided to sleep separately.”
They even kept to this on their wedding night. Lynda says: “We had separate beds in the same hotel suite. It shocked friends. They thought I must be bonkers.
"But I told them it was the secret to the perfect marriage. On honeymoon, we went to Japan and had separate rooms but our love life wasn’t affected.”
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Even after becoming parents, they were determined not to give up their tried and tested way in their three-bedroom home.
Lynda says: “Our kids share a room so Ben and I can each have our own space. It means he is fresh for work and to help me with the children.”
The couple, of Welwyn Garden City, Herts, have certainly not let their sex life slip. She says: “We make love three times a week. We drop hints or surprise each other and it adds spark. Having separate beds makes us more spontaneous.
“If the kids are in bed and we’re on the sofa we might make love there. Or I might surprise Ben in the shower. We have date nights at home when the kids are asleep.
"I will put on some make-up and nice underwear. It makes our love life extra-special. We put in more effort with each other sexually. There are times when I will sneak into his bed in the night. We keep each other guessing.”
Ben, 39, says: “Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you are obligated to sleep in the same bed. Respecting your husband’s or wife’s space and sleeping habits is key.
";Lynda and I have an amazing love life because we have separate beds. Sleeping separately makes me look forward to kisses, cuddles and sex with my wife. It doesn’t kill the spark, it ignites it.”
Couples sleeping apart is ever more popular, according to the Sleep Council’s Great British Bedtime Report.
It has been dubbed “sleep divorce” and is usually entered into for better kip — but experts say it can help improve wellbeing and the relationship.
Julia and Matt Champion have been this way for more than a decade of their 18-year relationship. Julia, who has daughters Rosie, 15, and Bella, 13, with Matt, moved to the spare room after Rosie was born, and didn’t return.
The 53-year-old talent manager, of Sydenham, South East London, says: “As any new parent knows, getting up during the night to breastfeed or settle a baby is exhausting. I needed to be able to sleep when I could.
“But Matt snores very loudly, especially when he’s had a few drinks, and when it wasn’t my children keeping me awake it was him. This went on for a few months, and I was shattered.
"So I took myself off to the spare room. Although I could still hear him snoring at times, I could at least get some shut-eye between the girls waking up. We didn’t see sleeping in separate rooms as a problem — it was just a means to an end.”
Julia and Matt, 51, who works in advertising, moved to a bigger home in August 2019 but kept separate rooms.
‘Amazing sex, but sleep was impossible’
She says: “I got a nice big room at the front, with a king-size. Matt’s man cave is at the back of the house, on a different floor — so I couldn’t hear him snoring. The kids can’t remember anything different.
“And when I tell friends or family, at least half of them tell me in a hushed voice that they do the same — it’s not as uncommon as people think. It hasn’t had a negative effect on our love life.
“It keeps it fresh and exciting. It allows us to both make more of an effort. The thought of waking up with morning breath — really turns my stomach. There’s no shame in sleeping in separate beds.”
Rio Woolford, and fiancé Lloyd Harries chose to sleep apart from the get-go. The couple from Burghfield, Berks, met on Tinder in 2019.
Rio, 28 a logistics planner, says: “We knew we were meant to be together from our first meeting, and within a week were living together. We slept in my one-bedroom flat for seven days.
“But Lloyd snores like a train and I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned under the covers and neither of us could get any sleep. We had amazing sex, but sleep was impossible.”
People just can’t comprehend how a couple planning a wedding wouldn’t want to sleep together in the same bed.
Rio Woolford
Lloyd, 26, a salesman, has a two-bedroom flat, so they moved there — but with separate rooms.
Rio says: “For us it was as natural as falling in love. We both had particular sleep needs.
“I need the window closed and a totally dark room in order to sleep. If there is a glimmer of light I just can’t relax.
“While, Lloyd loves the window open and natural light coming in from outside. We both have important and busy jobs and schedules which often conflict. If either of us doesn’t get a good night’s sleep, we’re cranky.”
The pair got engaged in May 2020 but still refuse to share a bedroom. Rio says: “People just can’t comprehend how a couple planning a wedding wouldn’t want to sleep together in the same bed.”
But they have plenty of date nights and keep their sex life on track in other ways.
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Rio, and fiancé Lloyd chose to sleep apart from the get-go
Lloyd says: “We make love up to four or five times a week. Every night Rio and I snuggle in bed to watch TV. We’ll cuddle, talk and make love — but then sleep in our own beds. It means we give each other great sleep and have great sex."
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It makes sense but there can be risks
RELATIONSHIP and sex expert Kate Taylor says: “Yes, you can have a close relationship in separate bedrooms.
“Many famous couples – including Victoria and David Beckham, and Gwyn Paltrow and TV producer Brad Falchuk – opt for his ’n’ hers boudoirs. Sharing a love for each other doesn’t mean you love sharing a bed. Shift work, different schedules, menopause night sweats and breastfeeding are all easier to manage in separate beds.
“There are risks, though. Unhappy couples can use separate rooms as the first step towards separate lives, so make sure you’re both committed to the relationship.
“Without regular snuggles you’ll lose the affection released by the bonding hormone oxytocin, so ensure you kiss and cuddle before you say goodnight. If you fancy trying solo sleeping, set regular sleepovers where you fall asleep together.
“Spend time together before bed, like curled up watching a film, exercising or chatting. And find a fun way to signal whether you’re open to an impromptu sexy visit, like using a “do not disturb” sign”.
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