I thought about taking my own life as I battled anorexia like Nikki Grahame, says Emmerdale’s Gemma Oaten
WHEN Nikki Grahame — whose larger-than-life personality led her to fame on Big Brother in 2006 — lost her lifelong battle with anorexia last April, aged 38, she left behind a devastated family and friends.
One of those friends was Gemma Oaten, best known for portraying Rachel Breckle in Emmerdale from 2011 to 2015, before swapping the Dales for the cobbles last year as Isla Haywood in Coronation Street.
She met Nikki at a showbiz bash in London 10 years ago and is aware that their journeys could have turned out the same.
Gemma suffered from anorexia and bulimia but is now the patron and charity manager of SEED, a support service launched by her parents Dennis and Marg to help families dealing with eating disorders.
It’s been 12 months since Nikki died. How are you?
I can’t stop thinking about her family. It’s heart-breaking.
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I don’t want anyone else to experience what I did or what Nikki did. I want them to get help, fight back, reach out and know they matter and that there are people who care. It’s important we don’t let Nikki’s death be in vain.
When did you last see her?
At our friend Sam Dowler’s book launch in September 2018. She looked so lost. I held her tiny frame and begged her to reach out to SEED.
I wish I’d insisted, but there’s nothing her friends or family could have done.
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I was so excited when I first met her. I fell in love with her on Big Brother and knowing her story it meant a lot to say, “Well done”, on her recovery. But I knew she was still fighting.
Do you remember when you heard that she’d died?
I was walking my dog Ruby when one of my best friends called me. I’m so grateful she rang — if I’d found out on social media… It’s not worth thinking about.
It massively affected me. I felt so angry for her and her family. Then I did an Instagram video to offer my condolences and support.
It must have made you think of your own battle with your eating disorder?
It so easily could have been me. I had anorexia from the age of 10, which led to bulimia in my teens.
An eating disorder doesn’t care what’s right or wrong. When it gets hold of a person, it will do everything it can to destroy them.
It has the highest mortality rate of any mental health illness.
People go to the extreme length of taking their own lives, because not being here is easier than being here. I know that because I’ve had that in my own life.
At one point, I planned to take my own life, but my dad called out my name as I was about to do it and pulled me back from the brink.
I don’t want anyone else to experience what I did or what Nikki did. I want them to get help, fight back, reach out and know they matter and that there are people who care. It’s important we don’t let Nikki’s death be in vain.
Another time, I planned to take my own life while in an eating disorder unit, but my parents took me home when I pleaded for them not to leave me. If they’d left, I don’t think I would be here.
Nikki’s family and friends felt let down by the system. What more can be done?
It’s nonsensical that, in 2022, people with eating disorders have to reach certain low-BMI thresholds and nearly die before they can qualify for professional help, or are put on such long waiting lists for help.
Early intervention is crucial.
What impact has anorexia had on your body?
I’m going through hell. I need major dental work. Anorexia and binge-eating damaged the enamel on my teeth due to all the acid from vomiting, plus there’s a lack of nutrients and calcium.
I’m facing a full day’s surgery to take out all my top teeth and put in a veneer bridge. I’m having to take out loans to pay for it.
And has your fertility been impacted?
I don’t know. Even when someone goes through recovery, there is lots of stuff that carries on.
I’m aware that, for 13 years, I put my body through a lot of trauma and pressure and self-harm.
My periods started at 10, then stopped at 11 for two years. There have been months where I haven’t had them.
For many years they’ve been regular, however that doesn’t mean I haven’t been scared of the repercussions.
I’m going through hell. I need major dental work. Anorexia and binge-eating damaged the enamel on my teeth due to all the acid from vomiting, plus there’s a lack of nutrients and calcium.
Would you consider freezing your eggs?
I can’t afford to. To have a chance of being successful with freezing eggs, I could be looking at four or more cycles at £5,000 a time. I’ve had to close that door and hope a miracle happens — or look at adoption.
You’ve been unlucky in love in the past. Are you looking for romance?
I feel sad at times that I lost all those years. I’m 37 and single. I want to find someone special, but my main concern is learning to love myself.
A lot of my relationships have been toxic, because I don’t know how to hold my own. I hold myself accountable for allowing narcissistic behaviours to affect me.
What’s your tool kit for staying well?
I have therapy every two weeks to help with my anxiety. My eating disorder will always be a part of me. It’s moulded who I am and it’s still important that I keep safe.
I try to acknowledge what it’s given me and what it’s taken away — but not let that be the focus, or I’ll live with regret. Nikki’s passing put what matters into perspective.
Do you worry about relapsing?
I can’t ever — it was hell. I have come too far and worked hard to get to where I am.
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What’s next for you?
Everyone asks: ‘Is Corrie taking you on as a regular?’ That’s flattering — I’d love to go back.
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I’m currently co-hosting a radio show and have auditioned for a northern-based drama on the BBC. It was nice to be seen for a non-soap role, but it’s baby steps…
- For support with an eating disorder, contact SEED on [email protected], call 01482 718130 or visit Seed.charity.
