Like Meghan Markle, I’m not sure I can ever forgive my toxic parent
I’VE got mixed feelings about Meghan Markle.
When she first came on the scene, I loved her for shaking up the fuddy-duddy monarchy by being bi-racial, American and (whisper it!) divorced.
I became less of a devotee when she and Harry moved to the US for “family privacy”, then launched a podcast featuring their son and signed a deal with Netflix that reportedly includes a reality show. Ahem.
But when the Duchess of Sussex was criticised for not visiting her unwell father in hospital recently, I felt nothing but empathy.
“If Meghan is compassionate, she will visit her dying dad,” insisted some headlines, as many “experts” and her estranged half-sister Samantha weighed in on why she must drive two hours to see Thomas Markle, who has apparently had a stroke.
But why should Meghan be guilt-tripped into visiting her father?
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This is the man who, since splitting from her mother when she was two, seems to have caused her no end of grief and embarrassment.
Giving someone 50% of your DNA doesn’t automatically make you a father. It’s your actions that define whether you deserve that role.
The response is similar whenever I tell people that I’m estranged from my mother.
“But what if she dies?” people ask, aghast. “If you haven’t made up with her, you’ll feel terrible!”
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Well, it already feels pretty “terrible” not to have a relationship with this key person in my life.
Naturally, I have thought about how I will feel when she dies, but having to justify my actions all the time is exhausting.
My mother may not have sold stories about me to the press, or staged paparazzi photos for money in the run-up to my wedding to a prince, as Thomas Markle is reported to have. Instead, our relationship was always fraught with difficulty, from what I feel was neglect when I was a child, and emotional manipulation as a teenager.
My circumstances may be different, but Meghan and I know what everyone who has cut a toxic family member out of their life knows – you owe it to yourself, and your own family, to stand your ground and protect yourself.
I can understand why people who have uncomplicated bonds with their parents might feel that Meghan’s decision not to visit her dad seems like an uncaring one.
We all want to believe that familial love is unconditional, and that a deathbed reconciliation will make everything all right.
Interestingly, Adele revealed last year that she was able to make up with her estranged father before he died.
But for some of us, wiping the slate clean is just not possible.
To get in touch with a dysfunctional parent, even at the end of their life, would only reel us back into that chaos and undo a lot of hard work in setting up boundaries.
Cutting contact with a family member is not a decision you take lightly.
For me, it was years of therapy that finally enabled me to pull the plug on a relationship that had caused me grief and hurt for decades.
I feel pain and sadness about not speaking to my mum on an almost-weekly basis, whether it’s someone asking me about my daughter Blake’s grandmother, or seeing mums and daughters on TV.
I’m sure Meghan will be feeling all sorts of complex emotions about her dad being unwell.
But she shouldn’t have to justify her decision not to visit him.
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It takes courage for anyone to fight against the societal pressure to “forgive” a toxic parent.
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Maybe I am Team Meghan, after all.
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This week I’m…
Wearing… Seven Shades
A tree is planted for each handmade girl power garment bought from this ethical brand.
Loving… Nixit
Perfect for menstrual cup first-timers, these are comfortable, easy to insert and come in a chic, reusable box.
Reading… Matrix
A book about 12th- century nuns doesn’t sound like a riot, but Lauren Groff’s latest novel had me gripped.