I’m an ex-headteacher and here’s what to do if your kids don’t make their GCSE grades – including what NOT to say
RESULTS day can be as nervy for parents as kids.
Claire Dunwell asks Dame Sally Coates, director of secondary academies at United Learning, how to cope.
DO TALK OVER BREAKFAST: I have four children and before their exam results I said things like: “If you don’t do very well we are here for you.”
As much as my heart wanted them to do well, I wanted them to know that we still loved them and would support them, no matter what.
Do this before they pick up their results and afterwards use language such as: “Come on, we will get through this.”
DO NOT PASS THE SCHOOL GATES: There’s nothing wrong with a parent going along with their child to collect their results, but only if you’re asked.
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Teenagers usually go on their own or with friends.
You might want to wait outside the school gates but in my experience, they will phone you immediately.
Some teens prefer to open their results when they get home rather than at school, or they open them with friends, but most importantly, let them decide, don’t dictate.
DO TRY TO BE AROUND: Tomorrow is all about your child, and family is important.
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Even if they don’t want to talk to you and they shut you out, be there.
Leave a sandwich and a note at their bedroom door letting them know you’re downstairs.
Get them out of the house later in the day — coax if you have to — and do something they enjoy.
Boys may show some of their emotions through anger, while girls tend to be more emotional and open to talking.
With both sexes, handle them with kid gloves and if your teen isn’t ready to talk, don’t force it.
DO NOT SHOW YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT: Parents are often very aspirational for their kids and want them to be doctors or engineers.
But actually, some children are not going to get those grades and will feel a failure for letting their parents down.
It’s important to remember that around 30 to 40 per cent of children don’t get the four-plus pass grade they need in English and maths.
There is no point shouting and losing your temper, because teenagers will feel bad enough as it is.
Blaming them will make it worse.
DO REMIND THEM THEY’RE ONLY 16: You have to get things into perspective.
Life is long and there’s plenty of time for your child to get things right, so encourage them to not give up on their dreams — explain that it may just take longer to achieve them.
Lots of people I know didn’t get things right until their twenties, so help them not to go to the depths of despair, with reassuring words such as: “You’re only 16, there’s no reason why you can’t go on and achieve your dreams.”
DO NOT SUGAR-COAT IT: However, despite this generation having had a rough couple of years due to Covid affecting their schooling, it would be a mistake to go down the route of blaming other people and circumstances for their failings.
Without making excuses, you and your child should look at the reasons why they didn’t get the grades.
If they don’t learn from their mistakes, they will make them again if and when they re-sit.
This is a conversation best left for another day, but ask: “Didn’t you work hard enough?” or: “Did you go out too much instead of revising?”
It needs to be broached, otherwise they could spend another year repeating the same mistakes.
Listen calmly and they will come up with the reasons, rather than you snatching their phone away and shouting at them that they were on it too much instead of studying.
DO SPEAK TO CAREERS ADVISER: Encourage your child to stay in school to speak to their head of year or a career’s adviser after they have picked up their results.
The Government says if your child fails to get a Level 4 in English or maths or both, they must retake them, even if they want to go on an apprenticeship or other vocational course.
So find out what their options are for possibly resitting.
DON’T LEAVE THEM TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT: If your child is demotivated by academia, help them to reassess their pathways.
What are they good at? What do they love?
Rather than A levels, they might look for a vocational course.
Lots of children go to university through BTECs — childcare, sports studies, music or applied sciences — and they are often more coursework-oriented than .
Your child can get started on these while retaking English and maths. Or if they got a good pass in history, they could do history A level and a BTEC, while re-sitting.
There’s no reason why they can’t mix and match.
There are lots of options out there.
One of my sons didn’t do particularly well at school and now he is earning more than me because he persevered.
Showing resilience is a good test of character.
DON’T SAY IT DOESN’T MATTER: There are self-made millionaires who mucked up, but most of us do need those exam results.
You can say things like: “I’ve made mistakes in my life, but I kept going at it and didn’t give up.”
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But avoid saying things such as: “I didn’t do very well, don’t worry about it,” because this makes it sound acceptable not to try, and devalues all the hard work they have put in.
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Things are going to be harder for them now because they will have to work if they are resitting.
- Dame Sally is director of secondary academies at United Learning and is a member of The Times Education Commission.
