We faced crippling IVF struggles like Jennifer Aniston – what it’s really like and the true cost of chasing baby dreams
WHEN it comes to fertility, IVF is still a taboo subject for conversation.
The procedure, which has been performed more than 1.3 million times in the UK, made news headlines this week thanks to actress Jennifer Aniston.
The Friends star, 53, bravely spoke for the first time about her secret IVF battle.
In an interview with US mag Allure, Jennifer — previously married to actors Brad Pitt and Justin Theroux — revealed the lengths she has gone to in the hope of falling pregnant.
She said: “It was really hard. I was going through IVF, drinking Chinese teas, you name it . . . I was throwing everything at it. I’ve spent so many years protecting my story about IVF.”
The process, where an egg is fertilised by sperm then inserted into the womb, has resulted in 390,000 births. But as was the case with Jennifer, it is often kept a secret.
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So why does this common procedure carry such a stigma?
Friends Emma Haslett, 36, and Gabby Griffith, 38, are the authors of a new guide to fertility, called Big Fat Negative. They also host a popular podcast of the same name.
They had their own IVF journeys and now, with a precious IVF toddler each, feel it is time we talked more openly about the process.
Here, they explain the IVF process — and common obstacles women encounter.
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FERTILITY IS STILL TABOO
GABBY had son Otis, two, after waiting two years to discover she and her husband would probably need IVF.
The journalist, who lives in Ramsgate, Kent, says: “The reason IVF is often a taboo isn’t always because people don’t want to talk about it.
“When you are going through it, you are surrounded by preg-nancy announcements. And social media is awash with people’s beautiful family photos. IVF, wrongly, becomes a source of shame. Fertility is the one thing no one talks about regularly in the pub.”
I didn’t know how gruelling it would be. When my first embryo transfer didn’t work I had no idea I would grieve so badly
Emma, also a journalist, from Whitstable, Kent, faced four gruelling years of IVF procedures before having her little girl Noah, three, through IVF.
She says: “Talking about IVF is seen as a bit embarrassing and conception is seen as this mysterious thing. But I’m happy to talk about it. I had two keyhole surgeries to assess my tubes — resulting in their removal — as well as a heart-breaking failed embryo transfer, three cancelled cycles and one transfer that led to me having my baby.
“It is very important to start the conversation, for our mental health. Talking about it with someone in the same boat makes it feel like you’re not alone.”
YOU MIGHT FEEL A FAILURE
WOMEN’s despair over failed IVF is often compounded by being made to feel they are somehow to blame.
Gabby says: “Something that is so harmful is the feeling IVF is a woman’s failure.
“The natural thing is for a woman to blame herself. Fertility is so wrapped up in being a woman that you can start to question your own identity.” Emma says: “When people talk about IVF, there is a lot of blaming involved. People seem keen to say, ‘It’s because she didn’t relax’, or ‘She just needed to go on holiday’. It becomes about victim-blaming.
“I don’t think my husband felt the deep grief I felt. He felt sad, but as a woman you get to the point where you are constantly scanning your body to know what is happening to you. You’re constantly going through it.
“Women really beat themselves up, and we should not.”
YOU COULD MISS OUT ON A PROMOTION
ANOTHER stress of IVF is deciding whether or not to tell your workplace about it.
Emma says: “Opening up about your IVF to your boss means admitting you are trying for a baby, which potentially means you might not get a promotion. Statistically, women who are pregnant are routinely discriminated against and almost half experience some form of disadvantage at work.
“Pregnancy goes on for nine months, with a potential maternity leave of approximately a year. But for me, and others having IVF, I was trying for four years. That’s a lot to tell a boss.”
The postcode lottery for free IVF is shocking. If you are not eligible for NHS treatment, one cycle may cost £5,000
But Gabby says: “If you can, tell your workplace. Because the stress of hiding IVF from colleagues is worse than the potential of having a difficult conversation.”
Emma agrees: “Telling people could take away the stigma. The more people in senior positions come out openly about their IVF situation, the more other people in the workforce will come out too.
“There are very interesting rules to bear in mind, too. Once you have your embryo transferred, you are legally pregnant and covered by all the maternity rules in your place of work.”
IT’S EASY TO GET HOPES UP
BRACE yourself for an emotional rollercoaster if undergoing IVF.
Emma says: “I didn’t know how gruelling it would be. I thought you’d go in, have some injections, some kind of harvesting [of eggs] and then you had a baby.
“Every single time I went to see the doctor, a part of me expected to just come out with a baby.
“When I had my first embryo transfer it didn’t work and I had no idea I would grieve so badly. I was an absolute mess, but tried to carry on like normal as I felt I had no right to be this sad. People need to know this is how people feel during failed IVF. It’s the only way they can support loved ones.”
Gabby says: “IVF is so intense, because you watch a little embryo fly into your womb and it’s in there. So it feels so crushing if you lose it and it’s very hard to communicate that to the outside world.”
IT CAN COST MORE THAN YOU THINK
THE frequently heavy financial hit from undergoing IVF can add to the other stresses.
Gabby says: “The postcode lottery for free IVF is shocking. If you’re not eligible for NHS treatment, one cycle of IVF privately may cost up to £5,000, or more, and you may need more than one cycle.
“There is one borough in London where you get three IVF cycles funded, but in every other borough it’s one. That is so unfair. Anyone going through IVF prepares themselves to spend a lot of money. I was lucky, as the first cycle worked. But I was preparing to go to Greece, where it is cheaper, for my next one and had asked my mum for a loan.”
It was hard. I was throwing everything at it. I’ve spent so many years protecting my story about IVF
SEX IS NOT SEXY
YEP, this is another difficulty with IVF.
Gabby says: “When you start trying for a baby it makes sex special, as you ponder: ‘Oh, I wonder if that was the time?’ But it quickly turns to ovulation sticks and cycle-tracking apps. You get to the point where you aren’t having sex because you want to, you’re doing it because your ovulation dates tell you to. It is very unsexy.”
Emma says: “I was making my husband drive back for four hours every night one week, as he was working away, simply because I was ovulating. He got back at 1am and had to leave again at 5am. It was extreme, but you’re only fertile for 24 hours a month.”
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PALS’ BABY JOY WILL HURT
IT is easy to feel jealous when things work out better for friends.
Emma says: “While going through IVF you constantly hear, ‘You can just adopt, just try again, just go on holiday.’ But all anyone having IVF wants to hear is, ‘I’m so sorry you are going through this’.”
Gabby says: “Friends need to be aware of pregnancy announcements. A pre-warning is good. Tell [women having fertility treatment] over text so they don’t have to pretend they’re delighted. They will be better prepared for something that is a sucker punch.”
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- Big Fat Negative, published by Piatkus, £10.99, is out now.