Sex parties gave me confidence, hooking up with multiple people helped me shed my body shame
TODAY we kick off our new series Britain’s Got Body Issues to help you feel more confident in 2023.
These three women reveal how they boosted their self-esteem in the bedroom and got red-hot sex lives. But if getting intimate feels like a daunting task, you are not alone.
But if getting intimate feels like a daunting task, you’re not alone.
According to an exclusive Fabulous poll, 91 per cent of women suffer from body confidence issues — and it is blighting their sex lives.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Psychologist and writer Wendy Gregory, 60, of Windsor, Berks, says her self-esteem was shattered after a cruel remark from her partner of 18 years.
“In the last four years of our relationship, intimacy dried up,” she says.
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“I began to wonder whether our lack of sex was my fault. I had a fabulous figure in my youth and was proud of how I’d kept it as I aged. But everything goes south at some point.
“One day my partner announced, ‘I don’t think about you in a sexual way. And I’m not the problem — I still masturbate’.
“We hadn’t had sex for four years and he clearly wasn’t attracted to me any more. My body confidence was so eroded I couldn’t look in the mirror unless I was fully clothed.”
Then, a friend’s advice changed everything.
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Noticing Wendy’s flagging self-esteem, the pal suggested a nude photoshoot with , an artistic studio with female photographers who capture women’s natural beauty.
Born-again virgin
“I was scared to reveal my lingerie-clad body to a stranger, but stunned by how gorgeous I looked in the photos,” she says. “Yet my partner wasn’t impressed. ‘Why on earth would a woman your age do something like that?’ he scoffed.
“I was so upset — I thought he’d comment on how sexy I looked. That’s when I knew we were over.
“I called time on our relationship on a Monday and, by the Saturday, I was on a date with another man. One thing led to another but I was terrified of getting intimate after so many years. I was basically a born-again virgin, but there was something exciting about it.
“I spent the day panicking about which body bits I should shave, and wore a sexy slip that covered my stomach and thighs.
“That night I felt sick with worry. My date, who I met online and was my age, couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t take my clothes off, so I confessed my body confidence issues.
“He took my shoes off, threw them down the stairs, then whipped off my slip. As I stood there naked, he looked me up and down and said, ‘You’re gorgeous. Now get into my bed.’
“That night changed my outlook for ever. Never again will I be made to feel ugly or unwanted.
“People tell me I look fantastic and my sex life is the best it’s ever been. I met my current partner, who’s eight years younger, in 2017.
I didn’t see my body as something to be cherished, but as a piece of meat for men to use.
Chrissie Wright
"I wish I could tell my younger self how gorgeous she is. My man can’t keep his hands off me.”
Wendy’s not the only one to have turned her sex life around.
For London-based influencer and sex expert Emilie Lavinia, 32, intimacy was once a source of embarrassment.
She says: “When I started having sex in my teens, I kept my clothes on and the lights off. I constantly worried about what men thought of me, fretting over my wobbly thighs or short legs.
“During sex I put on a performance, faking orgasms while waiting for it to be over. I felt empty, like I was missing out on something everyone else enjoyed.”
In 2017, Emilie realised something had to change.
She ended her relationship, sought therapy, came out as bisexual and downloaded dating apps for the first time.
“I also started experimenting with sex toys,” she says.
“Suddenly I felt empowered, confident and sexy. Coming out meant I could finally be myself, too.”
But the real turning point came when Emilie attended her first sex party.
She says: “It was in my local area and at first I felt I’d made a terrible mistake. I turned up alone and felt so overwhelmed.
“But there was nothing to be anxious about. There was a mix of men and women, some seeking pleasure and others just happy to watch. There was no pressure. I soon realised sex is natural and I could shed my shame.”
I faked orgasms while waiting for it to be over. I felt empty, like I was missing out.
Emilie Lavinia
People were complimentary about Emilie’s body, gushing over her slender legs.
They didn’t make a single comment about the “wobbly” bits she was so focused on.
Now she says: “I still go to fetish clubs and sex parties. I might hook up with multiple people, in private or in a group where people watch. It all depends on your mood and there’s no pressure at all.
‘Numbed my senses’
“Now, I’m really proud of how far I’ve come.
"Honouring your body is such an important part of becoming a fully formed human being. You’ve only got one body — so respect, appreciate and love it.”
Chrissie Wright, 47, could not agree more with this.
The behavioural change expert, from Leeds, spent decades of her adult life using alcohol to get through being intimate with men.
But that all changed when she saved someone’s life.
Chrissie explains: “I was raped at the age of 17, which massively damaged my self-esteem. I didn’t see my body as something to be cherished, but as a piece of meat for men to use.
“Drinking booze before sex numbed my senses. I didn’t understand the passion and enjoyment other women experienced.”
Chrissie got married in 2000 and although she and her husband had two children, they were rarely intimate.
“I can count on two hands how many times we had sex,” she says.
My self-esteem was so eroded I couldn’t look in the mirror unless I was fully clothed.
Wendy Gregory
“Our lack of intimacy made me feel worse about myself — and eventually we separated in 2012.”
What then followed was a line of car-crash relationships fuelled by binge-drinking.
She says: “One partner said that no one else would have me because I was damaged. I spent years feeling disgusted with myself.
“But in January 2019, everything changed.
“I stopped a man from committing suicide on a bridge in Leeds, pulling him back over the railings and listening to his story.
“We were both in despair and I thought, ‘If I’m not careful, this could be me.’
“Suddenly, I had a strong and intuitive feeling that I needed to be somewhere else in my life.”
Chrissie left her abusive partner, and closed down her successful floristry business then sought therapy.
She stopped drinking to numb her feelings and started a new mission.
Health-and-wellness website Habit Breaker was born in 2019 as a guide to help others stamp out unhealthy habits and gain a positive mindset.
Chrissie says: “I’d never loved myself before and it took a lot of work. Then in 2022, I found the most amazing man.
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“The first time we were intimate was so emotional — like nothing I’d felt before. He was gentle and respectful and taught me to see my body as something to be desired.
“Now sex feels amazing and I don’t need alcohol any more.”
HOW TO PEP UP PASSION
INTIMACY expert Serena Novelli shares her top tips to boost bedroom body confidence . . .
DON’T STRIP OFF: If being nude fills you with fear, try dressing up instead. Having a bit of fun with sexy outfits will take your mind off your worries and help you relax into intimacy.
STOP HAVING VANILLA SEX: Try new positions or, better still, new places. The element of surprise can be exciting.
BE SOMEONE ELSE: Fantasies shouldn’t be taboo – avoid awkwardness by revealing your desires in a letter, or try role play. If you’re playing a different person, you don’t need to be afraid.
QUIT STEWING ABOUT SEX: Instead of focusing on worries and self-doubt during love-making, stop your thoughts and take a breath. Clearing your mind is paramount for mind-blowing passion and limitless orgasm.
BANISH THE ‘OTHER WOMAN’: Stop imagining the affair your partner could be having and start embracing the sexy woman you really are. Your partner expects nothing more than the person they fell in love with – you.
