Life got so dark, I didn’t want to be here any more, Lisa Snowdon on the menopause hell that pushed her to the brink

TO the outside world, Lisa Snowdon has always cut a glamorous, vivacious figure.

Smart, stylish and with a great sense of fun, she fizzes with energy in front of the TV cameras.

Mark Cant

Mark Cant

But behind the smiles, Lisa has been in turmoil, gripped by a menopause so debilitating that she was forced to turn down job offers and sometimes felt unable to get out of bed. 

And, in her bleakest moments, there were times she considered taking her own life.

“I had days so dark that I thought: ‘If this is what my life looks like, then I can’t do it,’” she says, her voice faltering, speaking for the first time about how bad things got. 

“I know a lot of women get to that stage where they feel they don’t want to be here any longer and, yes, there were definitely times where I was like: ‘I don’t think I can do this any more’. I was just floored with overwhelming sadness and these dark moods.”

The model-turned-presenter’s heart-rending struggles with the perimenopause and menopause are detailed in her new book Just Getting Started, serialised this week in The Sun. 

In it, she describes a living hell as her symptoms became intolerable, her mental health spiralled and she hit rock bottom.

It’s only in the last couple of years that she’s found the support and treatment that have enabled her to reclaim and take charge of her life, and feel strong enough to share her journey.

In the book, she also speaks out about the abusive relationships that left her traumatised, the abortion she had in her 20s and the miscarriage of her “miracle baby” at the age of 42.

It’s a searingly honest tale of survival and strength that will resonate with women everywhere, although Lisa, 51, admits that she’s nervous about having opened up so much.

“I didn’t set out for it to be as personal as it has ended up,” she says. “But it felt like I needed to have a sort of debrief with myself. I wanted to take ownership of my story and now felt like the right time to do it.

“It’s taken the last 10 years to get a handle on what was happening to me. I went to rock bottom, but coming out the other side feels like a really powerful place to be.”

Lisa’s perimenopausal symptoms began towards the end of 2015, when she was 43, although she didn’t know what was causing them at the time.

She went to the GP suffering with low moods, out-of-control emotions and feeling overwhelmed.

But, like so many women in the same boat, was misdiagnosed and prescribed antidepressants, which she took for six months before stopping because her symptoms were only worsening.

Mark Cant

Mark Cant

Over the next 18 months, Lisa suffered brain fog, anxiety, angry outbursts, heavy bleeding, night sweats, a plummeting sex drive and weight gain, which soon began to impact on her career.

Her regular slot on This Morning became challenging and exhausting as she battled to stay afloat.

“I had to dig deep at work,” she says. “I’d be up all through the night covered in sweat with the sheets soaking wet, then having to go and do live telly the next day.

“I remember being on This Morning and my mouth would be so dry, my brain would feel really sludgy and I’d find myself grasping for common sense. It’s hard to explain, but there were moments when my brain just went down and it was very scary. I was losing sleep, I felt sick and I had a complete lack of confidence, which was becoming crippling.

“My agent would call me about jobs which sounded fantastic, but I’d say I couldn’t do them. I ended up pulling out of things because I didn’t trust myself, I didn’t trust my brain and I’d lost faith in my ability to do a good job.”

After two years of feeling on the verge of a breakdown, Lisa’s friend put her in touch with a private hormone doctor who confirmed she was perimenopausal following a series of blood tests and an ultrasound of her ovaries.

At the same time, he told her, very bluntly, that her chances of having children were over.

This was something Lisa had already known deep down, but hearing that stark news delivered in such a clinical way was a “punch to the gut” and left her devastated.

“All my life, I thought I was going to be a mum,” she says. “I didn’t have any burning ambition to have a career, but I’ve always been maternal and I really wanted kids. But I just ran out of time, unfortunately. The decision was taken away from me.”

Having been scarred by her parents’ separation when she was 16, Lisa was determined that she would only bring a child into a relationship that was loving and secure.

She became pregnant unexpectedly in her 20s, but made the agonising decision to have an abortion when she realised there was no future with her partner.

She talks about lurching from one destructive relationship to the next and questions whether the miscarriage she suffered in 2014 was in part caused by the fact her partner at the time had attacked her the night before.

Instagram/Lisa Snowdon

“I never had any sense of self-worth, which I think is the reason I made so many mistakes,” she says.

“I didn’t think enough of myself or that I deserved happiness or to be treated well, so I put up with narcissistic men.”

At one point, Lisa looked into freezing her eggs and, when she got together with current partner George Smart seven years ago, they saw a consultant about IVF.

But she was told that the odds were stacked against her and, rather than setting herself up for further heartbreak, she decided to walk away from her dream of becoming a mum.

 “It hasn’t been easy and I know some women never get over the fact that they haven’t become mums. But, for me, I had to be practical because I didn’t want to live with that sadness, that heaviness, that longing, that ‘what if?’. 

“I’m so lucky, because I’ve got so many kids in my life and I don’t feel childless. But they’re not my kids, they will never call me ‘Mum’ and when I see George with them, sometimes I’m like: ‘Oh, god…’

“But I have to look at the bigger picture and I’m so happy with my life as it is. You don’t always get what you want and we have to be appreciative of the things we do have. And that’s how I’ve come to terms with it.”

Nevertheless, she has felt judged for not having children and believes that it may have negatively impacted her career.

In the book she refers to an unnamed TV executive who passed her over for a top job because they thought viewers would find her “a threat” for not being married or a mother.

“I know a lot of people have judged me for not having kids, but that comment has stayed with me. That’s why I lost out on the job. The thought that I couldn’t ever be put on a prime-time Saturday-night show because I wasn’t married and didn’t have a kid, I mean… I know I haven’t gone down the ‘traditional’ route, but why should that affect my career?”

Building a future with entrepreneur George, 44, has been key to Lisa finding inner peace.

They first met in the early 2000s when they were both working at MTV and had enjoyed a short-lived fling before going their separate ways.

He came back into her life by chance in late 2015, following Lisa’s self-imposed year-long “dating detox”, which she hoped would give her the space to figure out what she really needed from a relationship. 

During her year off men, she manifested the kind of partner she wanted to find, and a friend called to say there was someone she thought she should meet. Somehow, Lisa knew instantly it was George.

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“While I was manifesting, I didn’t have a name or face of the person. But it was all the qualities I wanted, and every day I’d add more to the list. He needed to be close to his parents, have great friends, be kind, loving and funny, ambitious and intelligent. 

“As time went on, I got more in-depth – wouldn’t it be nice if we could go travelling and he had a sense of adventure? I was visualising this person and this life and, when my friend called me about this guy I used to date, George’s name came to me out of the blue. And the rest is history.

“I guess we were always meant to be together, but the timing was just off. I was a train wreck and needed to go off and make all the mistakes. And he needed to go off and make his mistakes, too. We both needed to get life under our belts and then when the time was right, that’s what happened.”

She adds: “I always thought relationships had to be conflicting and a struggle and dramatic and hard work. And they really don’t. It doesn’t have to be this gut-wrenching agony, the insecurity, bullying, gaslighting, meanness.”

For the first few years of getting back together, George bore the brunt of Lisa’s menopausal mood swings and she admits that she used him as an “emotional punchbag”.

She says: “Poor guy! When we got back together, I was at the height of my menopausal rages. We’d be having a lovely time when, suddenly, the devil just emerged from me and I couldn’t shut it down. I knew I was being a bitch, but it was this crazy, uncontrollable rage, usually directed at him.

“He didn’t know the word perimenopause, but George knew all along that the angry outbursts and tears were something else other than me.”

The real turning point for Lisa came during the second Covid lockdown in late 2020.

She met menopause specialist Dr Naomi Potter on Instagram, and with her help and guidance, Lisa switched her hormone replacement therapy (HRT) to include oestrogen for the first time, which she describes as a “game-changer”. 

The night sweats and hot flushes began to subside, as did the overpowering adrenal surges she’d have before going to sleep, which felt like panic attacks.

She had more energy to work out, the depression lifted and the brain fog started to clear. She is now officially postmenopausal, not having had a period for more than a year.

“I’m still looking for my libido, though,” she jokes. “I’m like: ‘Where is it?!’ 

“But I know that as you get older, you don’t feel as ‘horny’. It’s more of a gentle bubble than a hot fizzle, so it’s about taking the pressure off and not comparing yourself to others or assuming everyone else is at it like rabbits.”

Lisa wants the growing conversation around menopause to continue and campaigns to increase knowledge and empathy. She would like girls to be taught more about their hormones, as well as encouraging women to keep a note of all their symptoms and to seek support.

There’s little doubt that Lisa’s health has transformed over the last couple of years. But the biggest shift has been in herself, and she no longer cares about what other people think of her. She has, she says, “zero f**ks” left to give.

“I remember seeing people who clearly didn’t worry about what others made of them and I’d think: ‘How refreshing.’ But I could never be that person, until now. 

“I feel like you get to this age where you find this sense of self-acceptance, because life’s going so fast. Are we really going to keep comparing ourselves to other people and being unhappy in our own skin? 

“Women in their 40s and 50s have so much life experience and we need to be celebrated. We all have to start appreciating what we’ve been through. Don’t just blend into the background. Be you, be fabulous, get up, go out there and live your best f**king life.”

Her 40s might have been tough but, at 51, life has never felt so hopeful. 

“I feel like the best is yet to come. I’m exactly where I want to be and life keeps getting better. I’m excited about the future, I like who I am and I’m proud of what  I’ve achieved. So whatever is coming next, bring it on!”  

•  Just Getting Started: Lessons In Life, Love And Menopause by Lisa Snowdon (£16.99, HarperCollins) is out Thursday.

Hair: Alex Price at Frank Agency using Kérastase.

Make-up: Lan Nguyen-Grealis at Eighteen Management using QMS Skincare and YSL Beauty.

Styling: Lynne McKenna.