I was so knackered from being a mum I threw out my kid’s scooter — so I visited rage room where you can batter Peppa Pig
And the tell-tale signs that you might be on the brink of Midlife Mum Burnout
WITH money tight, temperatures freezing and the post-Christmas bloat still lingering, it is hard to feel cheerful in mid-January.
This week, which began with Blue Monday, is seen as the most depressing of the year.
Most people have already broken New Year resolutions and motivation is at its lowest.
And if you are also being pulled in lots of directions — whether by a demanding job or caring for the kids and elderly parents — you might be totally frazzled.
Experts fear that women over the age of 40 are at an increased risk of a syndrome known as Midlife Mum Burnout, with many spending less than five hours a week on themselves.
And the strain is taking its toll on mental health.
Research from Bupa shows 63 per cent agree with a statement saying they have driven themselves to exhaustion with the pressure to be a supermum.
One in five say it has affected their mental health.
Psychotherapist Cristalle Hayes, author of Angry Mother, Assertive Mother, says: “Mums in midlife are feeling exhausted — running on empty, depleted, snappy and irritable.
“A mum in burnout can look like a mum at the end of her tether, shouting and impatient, with a limited capacity to deal with day-to-day stresses.
“This is leaving many women feeling depressed, struggling with strong feelings of rage, anxious and even suicidal.
“Also, perimenopause and the menopause could be having an impact.”
Cristalle shares the tell-tale signs you could be on the brink of Midlife Mum Burnout — and what you can do to tackle it . . .
HAVE NO MUM GUILT
All mums can lose their cool once in a while.
But if you feel you are constantly shouting and snapping, and have zero patience, these are signs you are overwhelmed.
If you feel some mum guilt after losing your temper, that is normal.
It keeps us in check and is a reminder that we did not act in keeping with our values as a parent.
However, if you are overwhelmed by guilt after losing your temper, or you have no guilt at all, that is not healthy. The key to tackling your temper lies in the moment.
Firstly, if you feel your temper rising, bring your focus back to your breathing. Learning some meditation techniques can help.
Another good tip is to look at your child’s hands. Small hands act as a reminder that your child is vulnerable and you are the adult.
LIVING ON VERGE OF TEARS
A good cry is an essential emotional release.
However, if it feels like you are crying a lot and this is having an impact on your work or your relationships, it is time to look at what is going on.
Ask someone you trust — a friend or family member — for help.
Feeling over-emotional is a sign you are trying to do everything yourself and you are not getting support.
For some mums, it is a struggle to get that valuable support, but your GP should be able to help.
CONVINCED YOU MUST DO IT ALL
Relationships feeling a bit fraught? This could also be a sign of burnout.
If you feel you are always being combative or people around you are being defensive, maybe your capacity to deal with others is limited.
And if you are not able to fill your own cup, then giving to others may feel impossible.
Getting yourself away for a recharge can do wonders.
Either way, meeting your basic needs alongside being a mum is really important.
Are you going to the toilet when you need to? Are you drinking enough water? Is your environment as calm as possible?
Without these basic needs being met, coping with daily life and relationships will feel impossible, so check in with yourself.
If you figure out that you are not enjoying life day to day, talk to your partner.
There is a lot of pressure on mums to do it all themselves — but you do not have to.
FINDING POSITIVES IS IMPOSSIBLE
WHEN in burnout, some mothers start to have negative thoughts and feelings.
You may feel like life has lost meaning, or that you have no power to change anything, or that nothing will change.
To make positive changes, communicate with your child about how you feel.
I say to my own children: “I can feel myself getting angry here and I don’t want to shout.”
They don’t like it when I shout, so this helps them adjust the way they are behaving in the moment.
And, when you do get cross, explain why you felt that way rather than leaving them feeling confused and upset.
If you are having negative thoughts for a long period, it is important to seek help, either from your GP or Samaritans, who can be called 24 hours a day on 116 123.
CAN’T LEAVE SNACK CUPBOARD ALONE
Heading for the fridge or the snack cupboard every time parenting brings its challenges is what is called mindless eating.
This can be a symptom of a need to dissociate and disconnect from the stressful life around you.
The same goes for any other addictive behaviours.
If you’re using an unhealthy habit to cope with parenting overwhelm, try to find a healthy habit to replace it.
Even noticing how your feet feel on the floor, lighting a candle or drinking a glass of water can calm the nervous system if you’re feeling stressed, frustrated or overwhelmed.
EVERY DAY FEELS A STRUGGLE
There may be moments in everyone’s day when we think: I am really not enjoying this.
But this is hopefully balanced with moments of real joy and happiness as your kids give you cuddles and make you laugh.
But if it feels that every day there is a low mood, lack of energy and everything feels difficult, then that is a sign of burnout.
If you are experiencing these feelings, it is important to address them, for both you and your kids.
WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?
Kids require a lot of energy and patience as they learn and develop and grow.
They are also very attuned to their mum’s moods and will easily pick up on them.
They can internalise a mum’s bad mood as, “I am to blame, there is something wrong with me”.
So if you are acting impatient, angry, snappy or disconnected, then they can blame themselves.
This can create feelings of shame and inadequacies and lead to people-pleasing behaviour later in life.
Communication is key if you are feeling snappy and irritable.
Tell them why you are feeling that way in an age-appropriate way.
Children get angry, you do too, so it is important to explain how you are feeling rather than leaving them confused.
Understanding why you feel a certain way can help them develop empathy, which is a positive trait in adults.
I LET RIP IN RAGE ROOM
A RAGE room is a place to therapeutically vent your anger by smashing stuff up!
We sent author Clio Wood, 41, from Stratford, East London, mum to daughters Delphi, nine, and Echo, two, to Rage Out in Maidstone, Kent, to try it.
She writes: “Motherhood is often portrayed as smiling women tending to their kids with endless patience and feeling #blessed for their lot.
“But as a midlife mum with two young daughters, I know there can be difficult emotions bubbling beneath the surface.
“Anger, frustration, resentment and rage are the inevitable consequence of juggling a hefty mental load.
“But whereas men are more likely to punch this out in the gym or by whacking a golf ball, women are like a pressure cooker of anger with no release.
“And if you do end up blowing your top, you are left feeling guilty and upset.
“Last week, I lost it after a trip to the park when my argumentative kids got too much.
“I even threw my youngest’s scooter into the road and the three of us trudged home in tears. I wasn’t proud.
“That’s why I was intrigued to try a rage room.
“The concept originated in Japan about 15 years ago and now they are popping up around Britain.
“Women are the main customers, keen to let off steam from divorces, menopause and motherhood.
“On the day of my visit, I had plenty of emotions that needed venting.
“My toddler had climbed into my bed at 1.40am and spent all night kicking me, before a 15-minute tantrum at 7.45am.
“The reason? Her dad Bryn, 41, had the audacity to change her dirty nappy and she wanted marshmallows for breakfast.
“As a women’s wellbeing expert, I know there is more to properly managing inner rage than 30 minutes smashing stuff up with a bat.
“But perhaps releasing it in a safe, guilt-free environment could be a good start – and cheaper and quicker than therapy.
“Rage Out has only been open for six months, but owner Paul Fisher tells me it is proving popular, with 60 per cent of customers women.
“After signing a waiver, I’m kitted out with safety gear, including a hard hat, visor, ear defenders, overalls and gloves.
“The wooden room is roughly 2.5m by 3m and contains a selection of weapons, plus a fan, wine crate, speaker and large Peppa Pig toy on a table.
“My first swings at the objects are tentative, but I soon get into the flow and find a baseball bat more satisfying than an unwieldy sledgehammer.
“Soon, I’m whirling about, screaming and picking half-mangled parts off the floor for another go.
“I’m probably not the craziest person to hit the room, but I give it my best shot.
“After my self-conscious start, I exit feeling calm and strangely satisfied.
“At home I’m constantly cleaning and tidying. Being able to smash it all up and walk away was a real release.”
- Rage Out costs from £60 per room for 30 minutes.Clio is the author of Get Your Mojo Back: Sex, Pleasure And Intimacy After Birth.