I was sex mad for my husband but now I’d rather do crossword than spend day in bed with him – I don’t fancy him anymore
Julie reveals why she thinks men are more attractive when they're younger
HAVE the flames of passion in your relationship faded to barely a smoulder – because you just don’t fancy your other half any more?
Well, you’re not alone.
Today one woman of 46 tells how after 15 years and two kids with her 43-year-old hubby Cornel, sex is just a memory – though the love lives on.
THE other day I sat with a friend over coffee and said something I couldn’t believe came from my lips: “My husband fancies me but I don’t fancy him.”
It might sound cocky, but it’s true.
When I first met Cornel in 2005 I fancied the pants off him immediately. It was a full-on, total, sexual and physical attraction.
It helped that he was intelligent and tri-lingual and interesting.
But really it was his brooding eyes, his Roman nose and his slim yet muscular physique.
Once we got together it was sex, sex, sex. I was sex mad, it was all-consuming.
I was jealous too. If he spoke to other girls I’d go mad.
Fast forward to today. I no longer lust for him or find myself eyeing him up and I don’t pull him into bed in the middle of the day.
Now when it’s 9pm I scuttle off to do my beauty routine and a crossword in peace.
I wear baggy pyjamas, pull my hair back and wear a face mask. I couldn’t care less if he fancies me or not any more.
And I never, ever thought I’d say this.
The fact is, when men are younger, they are more attractive.
It’s a myth that men get more fanciable as they age, unless they’re George Clooney!
When I first met Cornel he oozed testosterone.
He was fast-moving, full of energy, cocky, and dare I say it, a bit arrogant? It was attractive.
Now he likes to look at coins he’s collected.
Where the taut tummy once was is a little paunch and his hair has depleted somewhat too.
It’s not just a physical thing. Everyone gets older.
But I think women try harder. I swim five days a week, get my hair dyed, always do my make-up, get my nails done and generally have not stopped my “upkeep” since the day he met me.
Men don’t go to the same lengths.
Friends tell me the same. All their hubbies have paunches now and have “old man” interests like collecting things or cars.
None of them are the fast-moving, exciting young bucks they once were.
Airport quickie
I’ve aged too. I’m no longer the nymph I once was. Far from it.
Yet I know he fancies me still because he’s forever grabbing my bum or giving me the eye. I’m grateful.
But when he does pat my backside I scowl or brush his hand off.
What would have been a prelude to mad sex 15 years ago now irritates me beyond belief.
I know I sound ungrateful. But the fact is, I love him more than ever and much, much more than when it was all about sex and attraction.
We laugh together so much, we have the same ideas about life and even complete each other’s sentences.
He does nice little things for me like tops up my car’s oil or buys flowers for no reason. But my heart no longer flutters like it once did.
But sometimes, like a rare miracle, I will fancy him again from nowhere. It’s usually at really weird, inappropriate times.
Like the time he hauled all our luggage from our car and somehow transported three suitcases and two bags for our family through the airport.
The masculinity and competence stirred something in me I thought was long gone.
But you can hardly have a quickie in an airport loo when you have two kids with you and are running for your plane.
Yet at 10pm, when he might be in the mood, I shove in my earplugs and hope my fake “sleep breathing” makes him think I’m asleep.
When I first met Cornel he oozed testosterone. He was full of energy, cocky and arrogant. It was attractive. Now he likes to look at his coin collection
Julie Cook
I’m not alone. Friends tell me they feel the same. The at-least-once-a-day sex rule is long gone.
One friend told me she hasn’t had sex with her hubby for eight months.
“The thought repels me!” she said. To be honest, it’s not my hubby who repels me.
It’s the thought of faffing about, doing your legs, having a shower, making sure you look attractive. I’d much rather slip on my PJs and read.
In a recent study of 12,000 people by the University of Glasgow, 34 per cent of women said they didn’t want sex while only 15 per cent of men felt the same.
And interestingly, most of the people in the low-interest category were — you guessed it — married.
So I don’t feel that I am odd or unusual. It means there must be thousands of married women like me who don’t fancy their hubbies any more.
But what we’ve lost in the lust department I really feel we’ve made up for in the contentment and peace department.
We used to have blazing jealous rows. Now we sit happily side by side, cuppa in hand, and binge-watch our favourite telly. I can’t remember the last time we argued.
I just don’t have that kind of passion any more. Who can after 20 years together?
And we have a laugh too, and the same sense of humour.
Sometimes in a situation we both find funny we only have to exchange glances and we burst out laughing, each knowing what the other is thinking.
The fact is, men are younger when they are more attractive. It’s a myth that men get more fanciable as they age, unless they’re George Clooney!
Julie Cook
We didn’t have that connection when we were sex-obsessed.
Then there’s the fact that you just talk more. About everything. Life, the universe, family, beliefs.
We never had time when we were at it hammer and tongs.
So do I regret or feel sad that we’ve lost the passionate side of our relationship?
No. I wouldn’t have that all-consuming passion again for all the money in the world. It’s exhausting, fiery and no one can live like that for ever.
You only have to look at the crazy relationships of sex-mad Love Islanders to see how fast they burn out.
Passion and fancying is really a fleeting part of the relationship.
The rest is companionship and just getting along.
Yes, I no longer feel flames of passion towards him but it’s been replaced by a deeper, more caring love — one that will last.
Relight the fire
IT’S sadly very common for spouses to stop fancying each other over time, writes sex and relationship expert Kate Taylor.
And women often lose the urge first.
But there are ways to reignite the passion.
Imagine your partner was chatted up by a beautiful woman – would he not immediately seem sexier?
That’s because fear of losing him would make you appreciate him again.
So write an imaginary dating profile for each other.
List the things that make him sexy and get him to do the same for you.
If he gives you the ick, try having rapid sex in silence.
It will let your imagination fantasise, which can relight your fire.
If you are in full or perimenopause, get your testosterone level checked.
It affects our sex drive, and a study found women regained their sexual interest after a small dose of testosterone three times a week.
Men’s levels can also dip after 40, with a loss of sex drive or erection problems, but hormone treatment is also available.