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I was widowed at 32 – letting my kids swear, punch and scream helps them cope with grief, says ex-Waterloo Road actress
Holly has shared advice on how to help a child deal with the death of a parent
WATCHING her girls sitting in front of the TV with their dinners on their laps, Holly Matthews doesn't wish they were at the table, and neither does she care when they drop a swear word.
That's because she ripped up the parenting rule book when she lost her husband Ross to a rare type of brain cancer when he was just 32 years old.
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Her priority since then has been to help her daughters Brooke, 13, and Texas, 11, navigate the grief of losing their dad, even if that means letting them push boundaries.
The ex-Waterloo road actress 39, who played student Leigh-Ann Galloway for three episodes of the second series, said: "I am a lot less strict than I might have been had the girls not had to experience so much pain.
"I definitely parent differently without Ross. There’s no ‘tagging out’ when things get hard, I am both ‘good cop’ and ‘bad cop’ and I never imagined I’d be letting my kids swear as we eat a TV dinner on our laps. But there is also deep love, deep trust, and lots of fun."
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And while some parents have strict rules around sitting together at the table during mealtimes, it's something Holly avoids.
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"There are certain things that I’ve noticed trigger the girls, so we just don’t do it," she explained.
"One of those things is sitting at the dinner table together. The girls see the ‘perfect’ family on TV, sitting round a table with a dad, and when we sit together, Ross is missing, it’s a reminder.
"Acknowledging this and letting go of perfection has helped me."
'A whirlwind of noise'
Immediately after losing Ross in 2017, Holly says she needed time to adjust to life without him and the huge void his death left on the family.
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She said: "Ross dying felt unfathomable, and as I looked at four-year-old Texas and six-year-old Brooke I knew that I would do everything in me to get them through this and to protect them.
"In the early stages of grief, it was a whirlwind of noise. Everyone wants to get around us and all I wanted was silence and a way to try and work out how me and the girls would do this now.
When my lovely husband was dying I felt furious anger, shock... and a most bizarre desire for sex
"I committed early on that I would never lie to them, and I would find every possible way to let them ask questions, talk, and feel what they needed to feel."
If you come home, it means that Dad is dead, doesn’t it?
Brooke, Holly's daughter
Holly came up with ways for the girls to channel their grief so they felt able to share their feelings with her.
"We had ‘get it out books’ where they could write or draw their feelings and say anything they wanted, with the promise that I would only look if they asked me to (which, because of their age, they always did)," she explains.
“I also allowed them to swear at home when expressing how they felt, sometimes punching, and screaming into pillows as they did.
"Using such harsh words helped them to feel I acknowledged their sadness and loss at the level they were feeling it.
"There were ‘sweary poems’, where before bed they would tell me about their day and choose two swear words. I would then write a funny poem about their day, using their chosen swear words. They got to feel seen, we laughed, and I learnt how they were feeling."
It was in 2014 when Ross was diagnosed with grade 4 brain cancer, the rarest type.
Daddy isn't coming home
"And the type you know that whatever happens your life will be changed forever," said Holly.
For three-and-a-half years, the cancer was kept at bay with chemotherapy, radiotherapy, brain surgeries and all manner of alternative treatments.
But in July 2017, Ross died in Myton Hospice in Warwick and Holly had the heartbreaking job of telling the girls daddy wouldn't be coming home.
"Brooke said, ‘I really want you to come home Mummy, but I know if you come home, it means that Dad is dead, doesn’t it?’ And I said, ‘Yes darling’," Holly explained.
"My heart broke in two."
Finding the strength to continue life without her husband, Holly began the tentative steps of parenting alone.
She recalled: "We had a box for questions, and the girls were told that if they wanted to ask anything, that no questions were out of bounds or stupid and they could write it down, make me a video, voice note on my phone or even whisper it to me if they couldn’t say it to my face.
"And we talked about Ross all the time. ‘Dad would have liked that.’ ‘Dad used to love doing that’, ‘Do you remember when Dad took you to do that.’ I never wanted them to feel that he was hidden, but rather that he was in everything."
"A whirlwind of love, connection, laughter, and fun and as Ross would often say ‘those that play together, stay together’ and we did.
Holly
Reflecting her her relationship with Ross, Holly says theirs was full of laughter and fun.
"Ross and I met when we were 23 working on a promotional modelling job for Pimm’s.
"I was a working TV actress at the time and Ross was a property developer.
"The moment we met we connected and the very next day I left my home in Essex, got the Megabus to Coventry where he was from and didn’t come back.
"A whirlwind of love, connection, laughter, and fun and as Ross would often say ‘those that play together, stay together’ and we did.
"Ross was excited to be a dad and desperately wanted daughters.
"He was there to support me through every part of my pregnancy, and we were lucky enough to get those two daughters he wanted. Our first, Brooke, arrived in 2011, six weeks early and very tiny. Our second, Texas, came in 2013, a little less early but not much bigger."
Holly described her and Ross, a property developer, as "very connected", through both their values and how they wanted to raise their children.
She added: "We talked about everything, and this is something that is helpful to me now.
"I’ve had to talk about big topics with the girls around death, relationships, and love way earlier than I might have and I have always been completely honest from the moment we knew Ross was dying."
And Holly hopes her experience of parenting alone will help others.
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"To those going through something similar I want you to know that although my family is different to how I imagined it, it’s also wonderful and my kids are amazing.
"That's because of their loss, not in spite of it - and you’re going to be OK."
How to help children with the loss of a parent
Here, Holly shares some insightful advice on how to navigate life with children after a bereavement...
1. Talk
Find ways to allow your children to say what they need to say, ask questions and talk about the person who has died. You could have question boxes, allow them to film on iPads or phones, do voice notes, write letters and for younger children draw pictures. Questions can sometimes be hard for you to answer but it’s also OK to say you don’t know.
2. Words matter
Be mindful of ambiguous words that might be confusing to younger children. Things like someone ‘went to sleep’ or 'we lost..’ Could be frightening to children and have them fearful of sleeping themselves, you sleeping or wondering where the person is ‘hiding’.
Direct is always best, even if your adult brain finds this harder to say.
3. All emotions are valid
This goes for you and your children. Grief is hard and it’s painful. Children can often display their grief in avoidance, anger as well as sadness. They may say hurtful things to you as the person that is left behind and there have been times when my children have told me they ‘wished I was dead instead.’
Let children know it’s OK to laugh, to cry, to feel angry (even at the person who has died or those around them for continuing to live while their person isn’t) and allow yourself the same permission. Don’t feel you have to hide your pain from your children.
4. Prepare those around you
I was conscious adults around might not know how to handle my daughters' pain or feelings and I created a video of me discussing what I had said to them and what they knew. I also explained my oldest would be very direct and say ‘my dad’s dead'.
You may want to write an email or letter that is sent out to teachers, care givers, family and friends.
Holly Matthews is now a qualified self-development coach and founder of the platform .
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