With divorce rates at their highest for 30 years, our expert reveals the seven deadly sins of marriage — and how to avoid them
With divorce rates up 5.8 per cent, the biggest spike since 1985, expert Peter Saddington picks out the most common marriage problems – and gives you the secrets to getting through them.
IT seems breaking up is not that hard to do, with divorce rates up 5.8 per cent – the biggest spike since 1985.
With 106,959 splits between husband and wife in England and Wales last year, it begs the questions: What is going wrong – and can it be fixed?
One man reckons it can.
Peter Saddington, a relationship counsellor from charity Relate says: “Every day I see couples who would rather separate than make it work.
“People have more accessible finance these days, so in some ways it is easier to split as they can make it work on their own.
“The internet and social media have also made it possible for people to strike up a friendship while still in a relationship.
“But there are always ways to heal broken marriages.”
Here, Peter picks out the most common marriage problems – and gives you the secrets to getting through them.
Failed sex life
PROBLEM Mismatched libidos, boredom and infrequency of sex can all lead to marriage troubles.
Intimacy is necessary in a relationship for both parties to feel wanted, so when this changes it can lead to deeper problems such as cheating.
SOLUTION Most couples have a difference in libido and this can change over time, with each of the sexes having peaks and troughs.
For instance, a woman may lose her libido during menopause and a man may suffer erectile problems at times in his life.
Many couples find it awkward to talk about sex but it is essential — go to a sex therapist, your GP or a counsellor.
Often, time is the biggest barrier to having regular sex. I often hear phrases such as “working too hard”, “juggling kids and housework” or being “too tired” bandied around when couples’ sex lives have gone wrong.
Set aside a time every month when you go away for a full weekend, just the two of you. Turn off work emails, leave someone you trust in charge of the kids and try to relax.
Don’t make the weekend about sex, but having zero distractions should spark sexual desire.
Money rows
PROBLEM This is the second most-common problem couples come to us with, after affairs.
Usually, one half is a spender and the other is a saver. Often the spender does not realise how anxious their frivolousness makes the saver and sees their concern as nagging.
The other issue is when spouses have significantly unequal earnings, which can lead to one person feeling dependent or even getting into debt without the other half realising.
SOLUTION Budget, budget, budget. It might sound boring but it is essential you set out your incomings and outgoings for each month and work out what you have left as a couple or family to spend.
The spender will then know their limit and the saver will know how much they are banking each month.
Some couples keep their finances separate, but this can lead to problems as the spender may secretly get into debt or the saver may siphon off money for a “rainy day” (i.e. a break-up).
Honesty and trust is crucial, especially when it comes to money.
Have a house pot where each of you puts a fair proportion of your earnings towards paying the mortgage and bills, as well as food, kids’ clothes and luxuries such as holidays.
Keep your personal accounts for any money you have left over to spend however you choose.
Techno mistrust
PROBLEM With the rise of social media we have the opportunity to contact anyone we choose, whether old friends, old flames or someone new.
Trust is often broken in relationships as one partner can hide the amount they are talking to others or the other party can become paranoid.
SOLUTION Often people lose some of their inhibitions when they are talking online, so a rule of thumb is to ask yourself whether you would be speaking to that person or saying those things if you were in a room with that person and your other half.
If not, then you have probably crossed a line.
If you are arguing over the amount of time you spend on phones and social media, agree times when the devices will be left in a separate room, so you can focus on each other.
If one of you asks for the other’s Facebook or email passwords, there is clearly a trust issue.
But rather than row about it, you could agree to share passwords initially, with the proviso that you trust each other to respect each other’s privacy and that you will phase it out.
Infidelity
PROBLEM Having an affair or cheating is probably the biggest fracture point in a relationship and you will never regain 100 per cent trust.
However, some couples can have a stronger relationship if they work through the issues — the cheating and what caused it.
SOLUTION Work out why the affair happened. In counselling the cheating party will usually say that a lack of sex, not spending time together or feeling neglected caused them to stray.
Men sometimes cheat when a new baby comes along as they feel left out.
Do not involve friends. Of course, tell others you are going through a tough time but avoid going into details, as when more people get involved it can escalate the problem.
If you want to talk about it, try to find a neutral party such as a counsellor.
If you decide to give the relationship another go, the cheating party will need to accept they have to be more accountable.
They will need to be open about where they are going, who with and what time they will be home.
Stick to the plans. In time, trust will develop.
Family baggage
PROBLEM When a new relationship starts it is idyllic as you both put a lot of energy into it.
But if one or both of you have another family from a previous relationship, you come with “baggage” such as an ex or children, which are still a huge part of your life.
If these niggles are not addressed early on, the relationship can quickly turn sour.
SOLUTION If you are feeling neglected then be frank with your other half and give them the opportunity to explain their perspective.
Come up with a plan together on how you will navigate your new blended family, and ensure you set weekends which are specifically for each other — and stick to it.
If you have children from previous relationships and different parenting styles, agree house rules for all the kids.
You could spend half a day as a parent with your own children from the previous relationship, giving them your undivided attention, before returning to the house where everyone is treated equally and lives by the agreed rules.
The empty nest
PROBLEM When a couple have children their focus often moves from their relationship to parenting. When the kids leave home they realise they are not used to being a couple on their own.
They have forgotten how to be intimate and have little to talk about. This sometimes leaves a gap and one party may meet someone and become attracted to them.
SOLUTION Try to not let your relationship get to breaking point by prioritising couple time when the children are growing
up.
Be selfish and get a babysitter regularly so you can spend time alone. Your children will also learn how to be in a couple when they grow up.
If you haven’t done this, it is not too late. Figure out slow steps to rekindle the romance. If you feel like you have nothing to talk about, think of common subjects, such as your first date or how you met, to spark a conversation.
You will soon realise you can talk to each other and should start to look at each other in a different light.
Depression
PROBLEM Depression affects one in five people in the UK. When one person in the relationship is depressed they may find it hard to communicate, lose libido and show controlling behaviour as they do not want to be alone.
In turn, the other person can feel smothered, exhausted or unsure how to deal with the situation.
SOLUTION The depressed person must seek help from a GP who may be able to refer them to a counsellor or prescribe medication.
Their wife or husband will feel a huge sense of responsibility for them but also need a life of their own. Ultimately the depressed person needs to seek help for themself.
Talking about the depression and working out what triggered it, or if there are times when it is particularly bad, is important. Don’t brush it under the carpet.
Once you identify triggers for stress, anxiety or depression you may be able to develop coping strategies.
Get outside in the fresh air. Nature and exercise are the best stress-busters, so going on brisk walks or cycling together as a couple or family should help.
- Relate is the UK’s largest provider of relationship support. For more information, head to relate.org.uk.
