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THINGS CANCER MADE ME SAY

Cancer is physically tough, really tough… but it’s nothing like the mental battle you have to wage every single day

DO you have days where you just want to run away?

Hide from all the stuff that's bothering you? Wake up and wish it was all a bad dream?

Cancer is physically tough, really tough there's no doubt about it
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Cancer is physically tough, really tough there's no doubt about itCredit: Deborah James

It happens to me often - too often.

At times my life can feel like it's suspended in some alternative reality.

Like this stage 4 bowel cancer is happening to someone else, perhaps it's all a sick joke and someone will come clean about it soon!

My reaction, or arguably it's my coping mechanism, to my diagnosis has been one of defiance.

But the physical battle you face as a cancer patient is nothing compared to the mental toll this disease takes
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But the physical battle you face as a cancer patient is nothing compared to the mental toll this disease takesCredit: Deborah James

Cancer will NOT win, I WILL continue to live the very best life I can.

So, my social media image is one of an upbeat, positive, smiling cancer warrior, telling this disease to go c*ck off, glass of vino in hand.

But, let me let you in on a secret... it's my way of protecting myself.

Shielding myself from those dark thoughts, and on the whole, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy... and it does it's job of keeping those evil thoughts at bay.

My social media is full of me smiling and looking positive... it's my coping mechanism, putting on a brave face
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My social media is full of me smiling and looking positive... it's my coping mechanism, putting on a brave faceCredit: Deborah James

But, at other times that is just my game face - the one I've spent the last 11 months perfecting.

It means I can bounce from one event, to chemo, to the school run to cocktails.

To the outside world everything seems just "FINE", and physically - most of the time and dodgy lungs aside - I am actually fine.

For me, the mental challenge of facing cancer is as tough, if not tougher than the physical

Most people assume cancer is all about dealing with the physical challenges.

The tumours, the exhaustion from treatment, the sickness, the hairloss.

I thought the worst thing about cancer would be getting through chemo.

And don't get me wrong, chemo is physically tough.

My reaction to my cancer diagnosis has been one of defiance, it will NOT win and I will continue to live the very best life I can
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My reaction to my cancer diagnosis has been one of defiance, it will NOT win and I will continue to live the very best life I canCredit: Deborah James

But mentally forcing yourself to turn up to it, walking down to a major operation and wondering if you'll see your kids grow up is ten times harder, and some!

Physically for me, chemo is "doable"; so far.

KNOW THE SIGNS What are the red flag signs YOU could have bowel cancer? All you need to know...

It's not nice and it's certainly not easy, but it's not going anywhere soon so I just have to get used to it.

I've had side effects, but drugs and intervention keep me functioning (just).

When I get sick, I take strong anti-sickness drugs, when my white blood cells crash and my immune system tails spins, I have injections to boost it, and when I get anaemic I have blood transfusions.

I'm not being casual about having to go through these motions, I promise.

I thought the worst thing about cancer would be getting through chemo
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I thought the worst thing about cancer would be getting through chemoCredit: Deborah James

I've gone from someone who was terrified of blood tests, to facing my 15th chemo cycle next week as I battle on to try and desperately be one of those lucky ten per cent who live for five years with my kind of cancer.

This is my new outlook on life, and chemo is my lifeline!

But, that doesn't get away from the fact that forcing myself to turn up for chemo is getting harder and harder each cycle.

I'm a bit over it, done, had enough now.

It could be my scary side effect of losing my ability to speak while the drugs start entering my body.

But so far for me, chemo is physically 'doable'... and it's nothing compared to the mental challenge I face every time getting myself back to the hospital for my next round
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But so far for me, chemo is physically 'doable'... and it's nothing compared to the mental challenge I face every time getting myself back to the hospital for my next roundCredit: Deborah James

Or that I'm getting sick of feeling sick, or that the steroids turn me into a monster for half the week.

Or it could just be that mentally it is really tough to just keep on going, hoping the chemo is working while waiting for the next tumour that needs tackling to rear its ugly head during a routine CT scan.

When I was facing my two major operations I couldn't fault the teams for how they took me through every physical aspect of my surgeries.

CATCH UP ON LAST WEEK Cancer awareness campaigns need a RE-BRAND! It’s time for some hope – let us believe we might be the lucky ones

It was described to me in details, the scars I would be left with, the pain I would experience, the longer term side effects and what my recovery might look like.

But no one mentioned the risk of depression, the anxiety, the feeling of just being bloody scared of what might be.

Or how you pick yourself up having just been told you have stage 4 cancer, and then start a gruelling chemo regime having had 50 stitches removed.

Mentally it is really tough to just keep on going, hoping the chemo is working while waiting for the next tumour that needs tackling to rear its ugly head during a routine CT scan
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Mentally it is really tough to just keep on going, hoping the chemo is working while waiting for the next tumour that needs tackling to rear its ugly head during a routine CT scanCredit: Debroah James

Mentally you're just expected to carry on. It's a struggle no one else can see.

For me, the mental challenge of facing cancer is as tough, if not tougher than the physical.

There are many days I just want to pull the plug, let nature take its course, knowing full well it's not a path I want to travel.

I know I have more operations to come.

While physically they may not be pleasant, I can do it, I know I can.

But telling myself that takes every ounce of will and positivity I have and I'm not always convinced I believe what I'm saying.

When I was facing my operations and chemo I was warned about the risks, the side effects, the recovery
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When I was facing my operations and chemo I was warned about the risks, the side effects, the recoveryCredit: Stephen Cotterell

The cruel reality is there isn't a magic pill that will make this all better.

Unlike the chemo sickness or plummeting white blood cell count, where there are solutions, this is harder.

This takes a strength that even "hard as nails" me has had to dig very deep to find – and there are days I don’t.

But then, I see my kids and I'm reminded I'm so blessed to be here today, and while I do still have the strength I must just keep swimming.

I was never a good swimmer, but I'm grateful to tread water for as long as I can.

But no one warned me about the depression, the anxiety, the feeling of just being bloody scared of what might be
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But no one warned me about the depression, the anxiety, the feeling of just being bloody scared of what might be

BOYS... IT'S TIME TO TALK ABOUT YOUR BALLS, BUMS AND BRAINS

Calling all Mo Bros and Mo Sistas... Movember is nearly upon us, and we want YOU ALL to sign up and get involved.

Guys, I'm just going to say it straight, research shows us that with the exception of a few lovelies, you are on the whole a bit bloody useless at talking about your health!

For the next four weeks, my column is going to be have a Movember take over… the spotlight will be on you boys and getting you to talk balls, bums and your mental health

But, Movember exists to try and change that, and I alongside the Mo Sistas in your life, am determined to help you get started.

For the next four weeks, my column is going to be have a major Movember take over... and the spotlight will be on your boys, urging you to speak up and get talking about your balls, bums (prostates) and brains (your mental health).

So, why not give growing a Mo a go, and get involved to show your support for such an incredible cause?
As a starting point, get that stubble, bum fluff or full blown beard shaved off.

Then pack that razor away, and cancel any barber appointments dedicated to the meticulous grooming of that impressive facial masterpiece.

And then

As tough as this mental cancer thing is, all I have to do is look at my kids to know the battle is worth every ounce of my fight
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As tough as this mental cancer thing is, all I have to do is look at my kids to know the battle is worth every ounce of my fight

#C*CKOFFCANCER

I really, really wanted to run away last week. So I did!

Having been banned from flying for the last six months, I finally persuaded someone to let me loose on a plane for a few hours!

Some sunshine was JUST what the doctor ordered.

Although, it makes having to come home for more chemo make me want to scream even louder than ever... c*ock OFF cancer!

Come join the I’d love to hear from you about #thethingscancermademesay.

Tell me your journey, show off your scars, share what keeps you smiling, or how you are giving two fat fingers to cancer (or anything else for that matter!)

To contact me email [email protected] and you can also follow me on and 

 

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