Boost your mood with positive thinking using our psychologist’s top tips
Experts say the average woman criticises herself eight times a day and that making constant jokes at our own bodies is taking its toll on our self-esteem
IF you have ever tried to make someone laugh by mentioning your wobbly thighs, bum or tum, you are not alone.
The average woman criticises herself EIGHT times a day.
We make constant jokes at our own expense, and self-bashing has turned into a bonding exercise among women.
But experts believe it is having a devastating effect on our self-esteem.
Psychologist Emma Kenny, below, says: “If we are always self-critical, we begin to feel more depressed.
It becomes normal for us to feel bad. Replaying critical self-beliefs out loud opens neural pathways in the brain.
“It changes the way you think and it may change the way you look at your body.
“For some reason, we think humility is lovely and being full of ourselves is unattractive.
“It’s much harder for women to speak confidently about themselves without being seen as big-headed.”
Here are Emma’s tips to help you feel positive and love yourself more.
FORGET PERFECTION
Self-loathing is normally the result of a distorted and negative view of yourself.
Be honest and take control of your life. Nobody’s perfect. Trying to hold yourself to an unrealistic standard of perfection will result in spirals of self-loathing.
And stop comparing yourself to people you see on the telly and in ads. Compare yourself to yourself.
A good way of doing this is to cut out television and social media for a while and instead focus on spending time with other people, face to face, in the real world.
TRY SOMETHING NEW
What do you usually do when you start feeling hateful towards yourself? Crawl into bed? Watch telly instead of going out? Drink to excess? Overeat?
Most people who experience self-loathing will have coping mechanisms that make the problem worse.
Try to replace yours with something positive, such as seeing friends or trying a new hobby. They will all add value to your life.
DITCH THE HATERS
A good support system is essential. Surround yourself with positive people.
Stop hanging out with critics and complainers — they may well project their issues and anxieties on to you.
If you are in a relationship with someone who puts you down, end it. You can do much better.
Support doesn’t only have to be about friends and family. You could speak to a professional therapist about how you are feeling.
With a professional, it can be about you and only you — and you can be 100 per cent honest.
COLLECT GOOD FEELINGS
When someone says something nice about you, or something great happens, jot it down.
If you try something new, put pen to paper to remember it.
Collect good thoughts and moments like souvenirs and put them in a box or jar. Then whenever you are feeling rotten, pull them out and read over the good feelings again.
It will put a smile on your face and be a reminder that you and your life are great.
VOLUNTEER
If you are struggling with self-hatred, it may be helpful to think about others and remind yourself how fortunate you really are.
Volunteering for a charity or a good cause can be an excellent way to build self-esteem and give back at the same time.
It is difficult not to feel valuable at the end of a day contributing in a positive way to your community.
So easy to be critical
BEAUTY therapist Sarah West, 37, lives in Sevenoaks, Kent, with her two daughters aged seven and 11. She counted how many times she criticised herself and found it could be as many as ten times a day.
She says: "I am always criticising my body. I really wish I was not so flabby. I am fit but I’m not toned and I criticise myself every time I look in the mirror.
I keep telling myself I need to start Pilates or yoga as I’m not very flexible. I’m always making jokes to my friends about how I look.
I joke that one day I’ll be a size eight.
It’s not just my physical appearance that I end up criticising. I kick myself if I don’t make the kids a good enough lunch. I wish I was one of those mummies who make homemade oat and fruit snacks.
When I drop the kids at school I see that other girls have exciting plaits in their hair and I wish I had done a better job of getting my two ready. I don’t criticise myself at all through my work day, so I realise I must be fairly confident in my job.
But I worry about whether I keep my house clean enough. I criticise myself if I eat too many chocolates after dinner, or if I talk too much.
I play badminton and make jokes about being bad at that, even though in reality I think I’m actually quite a good player.
But I wouldn’t want to sound arrogant to my friends, so I tell them I’ve got all the gear but no idea.
It’s so easy to get into a cycle of criticising – it’s my default setting. Making a note of how much I did it has made me realise that I need to stop.
I doubt I will ever be able to totally stop self-bashing.
But I know I need to give myself more credit, especially as I don’t want my daughters to hear constant negativity."
MOST READ IN FABULOUS
DREAM BIG
Self-loathers set low goals so they don’t fail. But your self-esteem won’t get much of a boost when you achieve those goals and you are telling yourself on a subconscious level you can’t do better.
Going after big dreams is daunting but can also be very motivating.
Go after the things you really want.
Even if you fall short, you will have achieved something much closer to it than if you had not tried at all. And you won’t live with regrets.