She has turned her heartbreak into a book called The MANScript, a survival guide about the lies men tell when they are having an affair
JULIA KEYS devoted 36 years to her husband, TV sport host Richard – but then he had an affair with their daughter Jemma’s best friend Lucie Rose, and her life crumbled.
Now, two years on, she has turned her heartbreak into an explosive infidelity survival guide, The MANScript, about the lies men tell when they are having an affair.
In the book, 60-year-old Richard – who is still seeing lawyer Lucie, 28 – finally admits his fling in a statement, saying: “You have to be prepared to lose the one you really love – and it just isn’t worth it.”
Today Julia, 58, tells her story exclusively in The Sun.
RICHARD’S affair didn’t just devastate my world, but the world of our children Jemma and Josh too.
It is only now, two years on, that he has admitted he did have an affair with Lucie, as well as acknowledging his deceit and the damage it has caused.
In his statement in my book he also has this advice for other men: “If you really love your wife but are tempted to get a bit of excitement elsewhere you have to be prepared to lose the one you really love — it just isn’t worth it.”
But for a year and a half he was telling me it was all in my head, that I was imagining it, that I was going mad — lines that I now realise nearly every man comes up with when having an affair.
I’d been through so much when Richard started having his affair. I’d had thyroid cancer, I’d nursed my mum through her final battle with cancer and my father had been diagnosed with dementia. Jemma has had a well-documented battle with alcohol, and Richard had lost his Sky job in 2011.
We’d moved to Doha in Qatar with Richard’s new job (with Al Jazeera’s sport channel) and I was thinking of it as a fresh start.
But then he met Jemma’s friend Lucie, who was working in Doha, and the lies began.
He claimed she and her friends thought of him as their “Doha Dad”.
I remember at Richard’s birthday party — and I haven’t told anyone this before — just as I was leaving, Lucie grabbed my arm and said: “Are you leaving now, Julia?” She was so insistent, and I thought it was odd — then Richard was ages coming home.
When I questioned him, he’d said Lucie needed to talk to him as she had a problem.
This is what happens when men have affairs — they try to make you feel as if you are making it all up in your head, and there is a rational explanation for their absences, the texts on their phones.
Men are brilliant at compartmentalising — they can rationalise an affair to themselves, saying it won’t hurt their family, it won’t hurt you. This is what informed me so much in writing this book. I want to make other women aware of the tell-tale phrases that men will use time and time again to cover their tracks.
Women beat themselves up, as I did, thinking: “Is it my fault? What more could I have done?” If you feel that, you’ll never move on.
Never ignore the changes in your relationship, the niggling little warning signs that make you feel uneasy. Talk about your suspicions, don’t let them brush them under the carpet. The chances are, you are right.
Researching the book, I heard from hundreds of men and women who have been the victims or perpetrators of affairs. I want to give women the courage to move on, if that’s what they want, but I also hope it will give couples the courage and information to stay together if they feel their marriage can be saved.
Sadly, for Richard and me, that is not an option, within the past few weeks details of the divorce have been finalised.
Too much had happened, too many lies have been told. In June last year Richard was lying in hospital near death’s door from a heart artery defect, after I had insisted on an early operation which saved his life. He was telling me he wanted me back, that we could save our marriage. Yet he’d had dinner with Lucie just the night before the op.
In researching the book we found there tends to be two types of affairs. In the first, the man — like Richard — is opportunistic.
They are happy with their wife and still have a good sex life but then the opportunity is presented “to have a bit of fun”. They tell themselves it isn’t important, it won’t harm anyone. They are flattered, especially if it’s a younger woman. They think it will all blow over, with no one any the wiser.
In the second type the man is looking for an exit from the marriage. Maybe there are serious problems in the family, or they are facing some kind of mid-life crisis.
The woman represents a new image for them, a chance to rediscover their youth.
Even though I was hurt so much, letting go is a very difficult process.
Most relationships end over a period of time, there is so much to-ing and fro-ing. Richard and I were married for 36 years, so you don’t give that up in a heartbeat.
When you separate it is very frightening. You have to get to know yourself all over again. I’m lucky to have amazing friends and I had my job as a counsellor. Josh has been a huge support, he lives near me and we go power walking around the lake near our homes. I’ve taken up Pilates and I am a firm believer that keeping busy and mentally occupied is vital.
I don’t feel bitter towards Lucie, but deeply disappointed that she could devastate our family like this.
I can now say I feel sorry for Richard. Who knows if this relationship will last, and I feel sorry he’ll miss out on the joys growing old together would have brought — the possibility of grandchildren, the chance to travel together, to enjoy the world at an equal pace.
I am determined not to feel rejected as a woman. I keep saying to myself: “You matter,” and keep looking forward. I have had to stop myself living someone else’s life in my head. I gave up my career to raise Richard’s children, and until this point I always took a back seat to him. Not any more.
You have to free yourself from the emotional pain — affairs can stop women feeling special. They can take away your self-worth.
Am I ready to meet someone else now? I’d like to think so. I feel I still have a lot of love to give.
I’d also be prepared to get married again — but I’d definitely not be a Yes woman again, who went along with everything. I’d be myself — a strong, independent woman.
It takes time to trust again but it can be done, and I definitely intend for that to be the case.
The MANScript, by Julia Keys and Jacqui Coles (Hashtag Press, £12.99), is published on May 1. Julia spoke to DIANA APPLEYARD.