With more Brits confessing to having more in common with their social media mates than real-life friends, we challenged reader Kate Irwin, 34, to cross the digital divide
Sales director and Fabulous reader Kate met up with three of her online followers to see if they'd make good friends in real life
YOU laugh at their Insta stories, share their memes on Twitter and empathise with heartfelt posts on Facebook – but can you really have that much in common with someone you simply exchange likes and hashtags with from a distance?
With a combination of more than 1,130 social media mates, we asked sales director Kate – who’s mum to Stanley, eight, and Bea, three, and lives in Southend-on-Sea – to meet up with three followers she’d never actually spoken to or seen in the flesh to find out if they could be BFFs IRL. Here’s how she got on…
‘She’d make a great mummy mate’
The Insta pal: Liz Cadman, 33, owner of the Essex Mama retail line, from Southend-On-Sea
Where: A cafe in Southend
Kate says: “I’ve been following Liz on Instagram for a year after coming across the T-shirts she makes as a hobby. As an Essex girl, I’d wanted to see what her brand was all about as it’s called Essex Mama and I really liked her designs, so ended up buying one of her tops. After that I started following her feed in case she was selling anything else I might like, and she followed me back.
As a lot of her posts were about local businesses and mentioned some mums I knew, I soon realised Liz lived just around the corner from me, so it made perfect sense to choose her for a meet-up. After all, what’s the point in picking someone who was hours away if I want to be their friend IRL?
We decided to meet nearby for brunch one Sunday morning, and I must admit on the day I was slightly hungover. I did worry it would make the atmosphere a bit dry, but Liz was very friendly and laidback. Over coffee and eggs, we had a good chat about the area we lived in and realised we even actually had a few mutual friends. Overall the conversation flowed well and was pretty relaxed.
As Liz and I spoke, I realised that while on Facebook it’s easy to find out everything about someone from their posts and history, on Instagram you’re mainly piecing information together from someone’s pictures and the odd comment.
So our brunch was a case of Liz and me elaborating on information we roughly knew about each other – such as when she moved house, her work and her family – but nothing more in-depth than that. I’m sure I could have asked more, but I was worried she’d think I was nosy. At the end of our meet-up, Liz and I vowed to get together again with our kids, as she has a four-year-old son Henry.”
Liz says: “I was intrigued to meet Kate. While I felt a little anxious, I was also quite excited to get a couple of hours off mum duties and have the chance to sit down and have an adult conversation.
“Kate was funny, chatty and really welcoming.
“It was just what I needed on a dreary morning on the seafront, and I think we’ll definitely keep in contact.
“Meeting Kate has inspired me to try to meet more of my followers, as it goes to show that people can be just as cool in real life as they are online.”
‘It felt like I was going on a date’
The Twitter follower: Holly Jennings, 31, a PA for a local authority, from Essex
Where: Lunch at Sky Garden, London
Kate says: “Holly and I have been following each other for about five years on Twitter and then later on Instagram. We ‘met’ through a mutual friend and most of the time simply like and retweet each other’s posts. But I figured we might get on IRL as we live close to one another – something I know as we often moan on Twitter about the same train line!
I felt nervous sending a direct message asking to meet up, so I was hugely relieved when Holly replied straight away saying she’d be happy to. We arranged to meet for lunch at a restaurant near both our offices. When the day arrived, I couldn’t help but feel awkward about the formality of it all. It was as if I was going on a date, and that morning I changed outfits three times before finally settling on jeans and a top.
The fact that Holly was late didn’t help. For 15 minutes I sat on my own in the restaurant worrying I had been completely stood up. When Holly finally arrived full of apologies, I was struck by the fact that she sounded completely different from what I’d been expecting. I realised I’d subconsciously made up a fictional voice when reading her tweets in my head, and my surprise stunted the conversation.
Even when we both opted for a glass of wine with our meal, it still didn’t relax us enough to remove the elephant in the room – we were sitting opposite someone we thought we knew lots about, but didn’t.
This was never more evident than when I asked her how married life was going, as I remembered her posting about getting wed in Vegas. But then – mega-cringe – she told me she was actually separating from her husband. I felt so rude and embarrassed.
If our friendship had been created offline, I’d already know this vital piece of information. It highlighted just how superficial social media friendships can be.”
As the meal went on, it felt like there was pressure to keep conversation flowing and have a ‘grown up’ chat about work and family, because we’d made such an effort to meet up. Whereas with my usual friends I wouldn’t think twice about stopping to check my phone during a meal or cracking a rude joke. At the end of our lunch, we spoke about meeting up again and even texted the next day about what a lovely time we’d had, but neither of us said any more about hanging out.
Holly says: “It was a huge surprise to have someone I only know online ask to meet up.
I did have a last-minute panic as I realised I really didn’t know Kate well at all. She was funny and friendly, but it was evident our lives are quite different. We might meet up IRL again, but even if we don’t we’ll keep in touch online.”
‘It was like we were old school mates’
The Facebook friend: Lorna Hayward, 36, a content creator and blogger fromsouth London
Where: Drinks on the South Bank, London
Kate says: “Lorna first came to my attention about nine months ago, when she uploaded a funny post on Facebook about her handsome estate agent and it went viral. Intrigued by her, I investigated further and saw that she runs Pizzup – nights out for new mums where they go out, have some drinks and eat pizza. Being a mum who likes a good boozy night myself, I thought Lorna seemed right up my street, so I began to follow her on Instagram and Twitter, too.
I especially loved it when she put up “unmumsy” pictures and posts, such as how she likes to take the kids to the pub, and I remember once thinking she’d make a great mate if we ever met in real life, as that’s something I like to do with my children.
When I messaged her asking if she fancied meeting up, Lorna replied immediately saying she’d love to. After that, we began messaging every day. Even before we finally met, I was speaking to her far more than my real-life friends. We eventually caught up on London’s South Bank after work for a bottle of rosé. As soon as we clapped eyes on each other there was no awkwardness, just huge smiles and hugs, and it felt like we were old school mates catching up for the first time in ages.
As Lorna and I chatted about our kids and how our week had been, it struck me that when you make friends in real life, such as at the school gates, it can take a while before you begin to find out more about them. However, Lorna and I had already gleaned loads of information about each other through our social media feeds – especially as we both post frequently on Facebook and Instagram rather than just the odd tweet.
Although we only planned to have a bottle of wine, we ended up knocking back two while sharing a portion of chips (and getting quite sozzled in the process!). I thought it might be weird that a stranger already knew so much about me, but it really wasn’t. The conversation flowed more easily than on my other meet-ups, but maybe that was because we had booze fuelling our confidence.
Lorna and I discovered we have so much in common, from a love of family festivals to busy social lives with our kids, and spent most of the evening remarking how similar we were. By the end of the night the mixture of our personalities and circumstances meant we just clicked, and we ended up arm-in-arm tipsily walking to the train station.”
Lorna says: “Weirdly, I wasn’t nervous at all about our meet-up and was looking forward to a night out with someone who seemed like-minded. From our messages, I knew Kate and I were going to get on well, and on the night it all felt so easy, especially as we kicked it off with a couple of inappropriate jokes that set the tone of the evening. Kate had already came across great on social media, and I’m so glad she turned out to be even more fun in real life.”
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Kate’s verdict
“Trying to make real-life friends with social media mates is incredibly daunting. I soon realised that not everyone wants to meet their online acquaintances – three people I contacted didn’t even respond, which was mortifying, especially as I could see they had read my messages. In the end I chose not to unfollow them, though, as I felt it would have been too petty. I’ve since noticed that they still follow me, too, so I must continue to hold some appeal!
To be honest, I’m not sure if Holly or I will make the effort to hook up in person again. Although she was lovely and we have plenty to say to each other in 140 characters, we don’t really have a lot in common. She doesn’t have kids and is hitting the singles market again, whereas I’m happily settled down, and I think that potentially creates a barrier. Even so, it was nice to put a person to the tweets.
Since our brunch together, I’ve made the effort to hang out with Liz and our kids on a few occasions, which has been lovely. And I’ve forged a very strong and fun friendship with Lorna. I’ve already been to some of her mums’ nights out and I know we’ll definitely be good friends for years to come. I’m really glad we took our friendship to the next level. Of course, I totally understand that some people prefer to keep behind their keyboards, but I’m not one of them. Meeting Liz, Holly, and Lorna has made me realise that while social media buddies are great, there’s always room for new friends in our real lives.”
Your social media life in numbers
76% of internet users have a social media account.
6 is the average number of social profiles we have
40% of us don’t see any social media pals on a weekly basis
Photography: Gemma Day
Additional photography: Shutterstock
Hair & make-up: Eloise Parker
Liz wears: shirt, jeans, both New Look; earrings, Marks & Spencer; shoes, V by Very at Very.co.uk Kate wears: top, New Look; jeans, Primark; necklace, River Island; shoes, Primark Holly wears: top, skirt, both New Look; boots, Office Lorna wears: top, Primark; jeans, New Look; earrings, Lorna’s own; boots, V by Very at Very.co.uk
Sources: *Ofcom **Co-op