Relationship expert Louise Van Der Velde, 44, believes these affairs could make marriages HAPPIER and says every day should be a Frisky Friday
TODAY is the busiest day of the year for adultery, as parents fit in one last fling with a colleague before their kids break up for the summer.
Dubbed “Frisky Friday”, it sees a 70 per cent leap in activity on extra-marital dating sites.
There is another spike in September as cheats return from family holidays, a survey by a dating site for married people has found.
And relationship expert believes these affairs could make marriages HAPPIER.
Now the mum of two tells GIULIA CROUCH why she thinks every day should be a Frisky Friday.
AS a mum, I well remember the feeling of knowing I was about to commit to six weeks in family mode – but having an itch that needed scratching first.
So the Friday before the holidays is the perfect chance to get everything out of your system and feel invigorated before the long school summer break.
After that you put your love life on the back burner, but having that bit of fun on the Friday at least leaves you with something to think about.
And while society leads us to believe we’re only meant to have one lover, it doesn’t always work like that.
It’s scientifically proven that sexual attraction only lasts 18 months to three years, so we’re not designed to be monogamous — just brainwashed into thinking we have to be.
And why should we suppress our sexual feelings?
Everybody knows that good sex, even if it’s illicit, makes people feel excited, fun and special.
Affairs make people feel attractive which is often what they’re missing in a relationship. They can be a really good thing. In fact, in some cases they can save your marriage. If people don’t pursue their desires then by the end of the summer holidays they may be looking at a divorce.
Of course I’d encourage people to be completely honest with their partner - to have a Frisky Friday and then go and tell their partner about it.
But that’s not always possible so the second best thing is to absolutely embrace Frisky Friday whichever way you can.
These days, however, I don’t restrict myself to one day of fun a year. For me, every day is Frisky Friday.
That’s because I have a different man for every day of the week.
For the past 14 years, this is how I’ve lived my life and I couldn’t be happier.
In my opinion, humans are incapable of being monogamous.
In “faithful” relationships, people either get bored and cheat or they settle and remain deeply unhappy.
I have the best of both worlds. I have all the best bits of being in a relationship — amazing sex and companionship — but I also have freedom. At the moment, I am seeing about three guys. I enjoy dates, holidays and sex parties and so do my men.
I met them via and have been in a “relationship” with one of them for six years.
We are very honest with one another and he’s open-minded. I even met one of his other girlfriends at his request. It was a beautiful moment and there was no jealousy between us.
People stay in unhappy monogamous relationships out of fear of their partner leaving them.
It’s not the act of sex which upsets people about cheating, it’s the betrayal.
But if you let go of the jealousy and the fear of your partner leaving you if they sleep with someone else, you can live happily together in an open, polyamorous relationship.
I should know, I’ve been there.
In 2004, when I was 30, I was happily married to my late husband, Dr Stephen McEwen.
We’d been married for eight years when he suddenly came home and told me: “I’m thinking of sleeping with someone else, how do you feel about it?” In that moment, my whole world came crashing down and I was brimming with jealousy.
OF course a sexy fling can feel extra tempting as the school holidays loom, meaning six weeks of non-stop family demands and often a couple of weeks when you’ll all be away and together 24/7.
No one said family life is easy and keeping a relationship passionately alive long-term is one of the toughest challenges most of us face, but cheating is more likely to end in disaster all round than to be the solution that keeps the family afloat.
And why play fast and loose with your children’s emotional well-being?
Parents’ relationships breaking up is devastating for children and usually causes long-term emotional damage, yet is experienced by around one in three under-16s in the UK these days.
Lust is a powerful drive, yet the demands of family life, work and household chores can make it feel very hard for a couple to find time, space and energy to be sexy together.
This is especially so if there is some resentment around about who is working hardest, who is being the most hands-on parent, and so on.
Finding a lover/sex partner outside the home can feel like the obvious solution.
People tell themselves, “It’s actually better for my partner/the family if I find the sexual release I need elsewhere so I am happier and more caring when I am home. What they don’t know doesn’t harm them.”
But the trouble is that means the sexual energy drains out of the relationship. Instead of finding a way to organise intimate time together, the couple drift apart.
And children – even babies – have very sensitive emotional antennae. They pick up on the muddled signals, the signs that all is not well between their parents, and are disturbed by it.
I can’t begin to add up how many parents I’ve heard from who found that cheating has led to the destruction of all they hold dear.
So to anyone thinking of cheating today, I’d say: think again. Focus on your real priorities.
If you and your partner have let your relationship drift, try the ideas in my leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex which is aimed at couples in long-term relationships.
And if need be organise counselling through Relate ().
I went through all the emotions. Why aren’t I good enough? What’s she got that I don’t? The fear of losing him ate me up. I spent all night crying.
I didn’t understand it. After all, I’ve always had a high sex drive and we were having good sex, sleeping with one another two to three times a week.
After eight years and two kids that was pretty good. Knowing that he wanted someone else was torture.
At the time, I was working as a traditional relationship therapist on Harley Street. I was trying to keep couples together and was certainly not advocating an open relationship as the solution to my clients’ problems.
But after two days, I’d come to a decision. “Yes, you can sleep with her,” I told him, one night over dinner, “but I will sleep with other men too.”
It wasn’t a threat, but I wanted us to be clear. If we were entering an open relationship then I wasn’t going to sit at home cooking and cleaning while he went out and got his kicks.
It was a strange moment. When I’d married Stephen in 1996 I thought we’d be together forever.
I never imagined we’d have that conversation.
But we’d made our wedding vows and I promised to stay with him, through thick and thin.
After that, I felt stronger.
Of course, it was my husband who broached the subject of being in an open relationship so I never had an affair per se.
But when you let go and allow men to do what they want, you feel empowered.
Stephen has since died, but my life is very rich.
I’ve seen dozens of men in 14 years but the most I’ve ever seen at one time is two or three.
I fully experience all the emotions of true love. I give my heart and soul and I’m very selective. I enjoy great sex and practise tantra, to bring me closer to my lovers. I don’t get wrapped up in trying to make the love everlasting.
They love me in that moment and that is enough for me.
And yes, I see married men.
But that is their decision. I’m not responsible for other’s actions, as long as I’m living my life with integrity.
I think a lot of their wives turn a blind eye and many trade sex for material belongings like handbags, shoes and holidays. But that’s not my concern.
I don’t go for any of that. I’m independent and run my own business.
If I was the catalyst for a bad marriage breaking up then brilliant, because it wasn’t going to work anyway.
But that doesn’t mean I want a relationship with the men after they leave their wives. Of course, situations can become tricky. A few years ago I was seeing a married man with kids when he suddenly declared he’d left his wife for me.
I wasn’t happy about it, I didn’t want a conventional boyfriend. At the time, I felt very responsible so I decided to be supportive and stay with him. We dated for a year and a half but I continued to see other men on the side.
Needless to say, it didn’t work out. He wanted me to be fully committed to him but I couldn’t do it.
I have a lot of girlfriends who are in traditional relationships. I think they’d love to do what I do but don’t have the balls. Deep down, I think they’re very envious.
I don’t let any of my lovers meet my kids — I’m very strict about that. I never bring them to my house, we always go to a hotel — it can be expensive but it’s worth it.
All of us have been given an amazing gift of sexuality, and I refuse to feel guilty about it.
It’s time to let go of the unrealistic ideals which are forced upon on us in Disney films and instead find your happily ever after with not just one prince but two — maybe even three if you really want. Who’s counting?
