Cancer doesn’t just f*** with your body – it messes with your mind too
After being told I was cancer free, I exercised, ate well and I don't smoke. To hear it's returned leaves you feeling a failure
MY worst nightmare has happened...my cancer is back.
I wake up every morning thinking it's a cruel dream, screaming "I'm not ready to die". But it soon dawns on me that this is real. Very real.
Two weeks after being given the news, and it's sometimes all too much.
I'm on holiday, but that doesn't stop the endless calls to discuss how to keep me alive.
It doesn't stop the need to arrange scans and more tests.
It's harder still because I feel OK.
My lungs are a bit sore from flying, my toes are still numb from chemo and I ache like a 90-year-old most mornings.
But given all the drugs and operations, I am doing OK.
One thing I have learned is cancer isn't just a physical disease.
It invades your body, but it also plays tricks on the mind.
I'm constantly paranoid, thinking every little ache or pain is my cancer rapidly spreading, multiplying at break neck speed.
The dark fog of depression creeps in.
It lingers, leaving you wanting to curl up in a ball, draw the curtains and hide away.
I've come to realise I have no control whatsoever when it comes to my cancer
This time it's happened because I feel totally powerless.
I've come to realise I have no control whatsoever when it comes to my cancer.
When I was told I was cancer free, I went on a rebuild mission.
I started running most days, I did a 10K race, and even drank so many green smoothies my poo turned green!
I was doing everything "on paper" that claims to help you beat cancer.
So I felt like an almighty failure when my cancer returned.
I've had to bite my lip as people ask if I've tried various lifestyle changes, screaming in my head, "don't you think I'd do anything to stay alive"?
I keep fit, I don't smoke, I eat well - I'm a veggie for God's sake.
So I was more than a bit put out when my cancer came back.
My oncologist warned me not to fall into the trap of thinking I can cure myself. But it's hard.
People are constantly telling me I can cure myself.
And you know what, when you're starring down the barrel of a loaded gun, it's tempting to believe it.
But be warned, much of this advice comes from people who are not doctors, but brand themselves as wellbeing "experts".
They preach about the weird and wonderful concoctions that "cured" their cancer, and could work for me too.
But some of the advice is just downright dangerous.
Most of these "magic cures" are anything but magic. Most of the time these people fail to mention the mainstream treatments they're also having at the same time - chemo for example.
Together we CAN beat bowel cancer
This week I was proud to support the re-launch of Bowel Cancer UK.
Imagine if together we were able to STOP Bowel Cancer?
Not only would 16,000 lives in the UK be saved each year, 42,000 families wouldn’t have to go through the pain of seeing their loved ones going through treatment (and I know hoe tough it is).
It’s the 2nd biggest Cancer killer.
So alongside Tom Hardy, Sean Fletcher, Charlotte Riley, Kevin Sheedy and Jim Rosenthal, I’m pleased to be supporting the launch of a “new” Bowel Cancer UK charity - the new brand is revealed after the merging of Beating Bowel Cancer and Bowel Cancer U.K. in January 2018.
Deborah Alsina MBE, Chief Executive of Bowel Cancer UK, said: “We are delighted to unveil our new brand. We hope this will enable us to build an active community of patients and their families, clinicians, politicians, academics and others who will join us to ensure that we meet our mission to save lives and improve the quality of life of everyone affected by the disease."
Let’s remember that this disease is treatable and curable especially if diagnosed early.
Nearly everyone survives bowel cancer if diagnosed at the earliest stage. However this drops to less just seven per cent when diagnosed at stage 4 like me.
Early diagnosis really does save lives - and that’s why together with this charity The Sun launched its No Time 2 Lose campaign, calling for bowel cancer screening to start at 50 not 60 and urging everyong to learn the signs and symptoms of the disease.
A new study this week said cancer patients who use alternative therapies might be more likely to shun conventional treatments, and by doing so risk their lives.
Alternative therapies like vitamins, certain diets and supplements are growing in popularity.
Yet the evidence that they actually work is so limited.
These new results show people are more than twice as likely to die if they opt for alternative treatments and shun traditional medicine.
And the study also showed these alternative therapies could even interfere with conventional treatments to stop them working properly.
I do keep thinking this might all be a massive mistake.
That maybe I'll get home from holiday, have a scan and be told it was all a false alarm - there's no new tumour growing inside me after all.
I wish. I need to stop kidding myself.
MORE THINGS CANCER MADE ME SAY
I have cancer and if we don't do something, and quick, I will be falling off a cliff very soon.
I'll be sticking with conventional treatment until the evidence proves otherwise.
So please stop telling me I can beat my cancer, I can't. I am doing everything in my power to stay alive, but I can't control the beast.
I feel bad enough as it is, and really don't need the added pressure of feeling like I've failed to beat the disease.
I am trying damn hard to tell this cancer to f*** off.
It just hasn't heard me yet.
Come join the I’d love to hear from you about #thethingscancermademesay.
Tell me your journey, show off your scars, share what keeps you smiling, or how you are giving two fat fingers to cancer (or anything else for that matter!)
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