How ditching WhatsApp switched my FOMO to JOMO ahead of Scroll Free September
Writer Helen Wilson-Beevers, 34, reveals how ditching the chat apps helped her rediscover face-to-face meetings with friends
TRYING to navigate the weekly shop with two kids in tow, I heard a WhatsApp alert. Instantly I felt the burden of expectation for a response.
A glance revealed that it was from Mums’ Chat – one of 30 WhatsApp groups I was part of – discussing school bingo.
That day I’d already been WhatsApped by a client at 7am, and I was still reeling from a friend messaging to slate her mate. Not forgetting another friend, who told me she’d accidentally revealed a risqué photo of her husband to her dad while showing him a cute shot of the kids. Awkward.
But this time, standing in the frozen pizza aisle, I decided enough was enough and deleted the app. Immediately it felt as though a weight had been lifted.
Fifty-eight per cent of UK adults use WhatsApp, but since downloading it in 2015, I’d never been a huge fan, preferring one-on-one communication such as texting. However, I never had the guts to delete it – friends insisted it made it easier to chat, share photos and organise events.
Yet the expectation I felt to respond right away, knowing a blue tick marked each message as read, started to affect me. Every ping would trigger an inner panic, and I ended up feeling like someone was constantly wanting something from me.
I also got tired of being prompted for a reply and asked if I was there, when really I was busy doing something else. So many of my group chats were unnecessary, with weeks of planning and non-stop dialogue about just a few hours out.
Once, when I couldn’t make a WhatsApp-organised night out at the last minute, it was hard to tell if I’d caused offence as an entire group’s tone is so hard to read. One friend’s response – ‘Don’t worry, it’s not like I was looking forward to us all being there, ha ha’, with a winking emoji – did seem pretty bitchy, though. Regardless of her intention, it upset me.
Thankfully, my strongest relationships haven’t been affected by my switch-off in February 2017, although weirdly, one person did ask if I still wanted to be her friend.
I tried to defuse the situation by explaining I valued our chats, but just preferred to text or call rather than have an ongoing open conversation involving lots of other people, too. I felt irritated I had to justify myself – I’d already sent a text to everyone explaining I had overload. Wasn’t that enough?
According to psychotherapist Anna Mathur, feeling overwhelmed by group chats isn’t uncommon. ‘Our busy brains like to fill in gaps with assumptions and analysis,’ she explains. ‘In speedily written messages, contexts and emotions can easily be misinterpreted. If we are feeling insecure, we’re more likely to interpret things unfavourably in a way that we might not have done if the conversation had been face-to-face.’
Anna adds that watching the notification alerts building can increase the stress hormone cortisol. ‘It mimics the feeling of having a mounting and relentless to-do list,’ she explains. That’s exactly how I felt. I was constantly looking at my screen, ignoring the kids when they needed me. I could have turned my notifications off, but I would only dread having to eventually face the endless messages I’d missed.
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Although I did initially worry that my shutdown might cause some major FOMO, it’s actually brought nothing but JOMO (yep, that’s joy of missing out), knowing I’m in my own bubble. I don’t miss my life being clogged up with random messages and threads of unnecessary information – not to mention the potential disaster of writing something in the wrong group, like the time my friend criticised her sister-in-law in a family chat instead of the Girls group.
I’m now even tempted to ditch my other apps for Scroll Free September. As Anna explains: ‘Our phones offer the illusion of a relationship, with a constant drip-feed of messages that make us feel in touch. While convenient and sometimes comforting, it will never give you the endorphin hit that a face-to-face meeting offers.’
I can confirm that. When I recently arranged a girlie weekend by calling my friends, their excitement levels ran just as high – without us becoming exhausted by tiny details. And the best bit? There wasn’t a sarcastic emoji in sight.
- Source: Flint
- Follow: Anna Mathur on Instagram