From a guy who pooped himself to a man who brought his fiance, this student details her 40 terrible Tinder dates
Every girl snogs a frog or two but few are as unlucky in love as Natalie Palmer who has turned her horror dates into a way of life
EVERY girl snogs a frog or two before finding her prince. But hapless Natalie Palmer has turned horror dates into a way of life.
The bioscience student reckons she has been on nearly 40 “atrocious” nights out arranged through online dating sites in just nine months.
And she is so sick of poor matches, the unlucky-in-love lass — who dubs herself 2019’s answer to Bridget Jones — has created a joke Tinder profile in which she admits obsessing over pizza, compulsive cleaning and having no common sense.
She adds on her write-up: “Seriously. About eight months ago I adopted a snow leopard and genuinely thought I’d get it sent to me through the post.”
The painfully honest slideshow — which ends with Natalie’s “fifth date” look of a face mask and dressing gown — has gone viral.
Natalie, from Caerphilly, South Wales, admits: “I never expected it to take off like this. I was just sick of guys saying I looked high maintenance.”
Natalie joined Tinder and Plenty Of Fish after coming out of a long relationship last April. Initially excited, she quickly learned online dating can be a minefield.
“One guy turned up with a range of sex toys he wanted me to use.
“Another wrote such explicit messages I blocked him. But he just created a fake profile under a different name and started up the messages again.”
Next, Natalie picked a “sweet” Christian guy. But he lost it when she mentioned that she volunteered at a soup kitchen.
She explains: “He just started shouting at me. He said homeless people deserve to be on the streets and that I was only helping out for attention. I got him to drive me straight home. Game over.”
And Natalie’s list of hellish dates goes on.
“One idiot with a Porsche was so arrogant he kept talking about his favourite wines and pricey stuff he’d bought. He ended every sentence with, ‘But you probably can’t afford that’. Urgh.
“There was the fireman who got my name wrong all night, and the security guard who rubbed himself up against my leg like a dog.
“I’ve been told I look like a scruff and been sent home in the middle of the night for snoring.
“One lad threw me on the bed for a laugh and I cracked my head open on his wardrobe.
“Hands down the worst though was the guy who pooped himself in the queue at McDonald’s.”
Even by Natalie’s standards, this was a low point. She explains: “We’d had a few and needed to soak up the booze with some food.
“So we’re in the queue when suddenly he goes bright red and tells me he’s ‘s*** himself’.
“I started laughing which only made things worse.” But you can tell Natalie is disappointed by her bout of barmy fellas too.
It’s hard to see what the chatty 23-year-old has done to deserve this shambles.
Natalie, who hopes to be a paramedic, shrugs: “I think online dating stops you vetting out the weirdos.
"You get chatting on the apps and people seem cool. But then you meet up and they are completely different.
“The biggest shock was the number of men on these apps who turn out to be married or already seeing someone.”
“I was having the best dinner with this lad until our waiter recognised him and asked him how his girlfriend was. Busted!
“Another cheeky git admitted he was married but had a money-off voucher for a cuckolding service to use up. Did I want to ‘explore that’ with him? Er, nope.
“Another date brought his fiancée with him to the cinema!
"I think maybe he thought I wouldn’t show up and he’d already bought the tickets so . . .”
There was also the Army guy who spent the entire date talking about how pretty his ex was and another fella who pretended to be 25 but turned out to be 37 — and took Natalie to meet his mum on their date.
“God, what is my life like?” she sighs. “People will say I’m picky but it’s not been right with any of these lads.”
“I just want a man who’s funny and gets my sarcastic sense of humour. Ideally he’d be chilled out, open-minded and adventurous too.
“Oh and love a cuddle . . . I’ve been dumped twice for being too affectionate but I’m just really tactile.
“I’m actually really straight- forward and up for a laugh — and I wanted people to see that.”
Hence her warts-and-all profile, listing her pros and cons which she put together on Snapchat then uploaded to Tinder.
She says: “Under pros, I said I’ve worked as a palliative care nurse as I wanted blokes to see there’s a serious side to me.
“But I’m also a pizza nut who loves running. I vacuum even if my sister’s already done it — but that just means my house is spotless.”
“I love red wine but I get that’s a con — spewing on your second date isn’t a great look to most guys!”
Men who have seen Natalie’s profile tell her she’s a breath of fresh air, but there have been trolls too.
“One guy suggested I was a headcase but I just wrote back: ‘You’ve hit the nail on the head, mate.’”
Natalie has now come off Plenty Of Fish and is considering saying ta-ra to Tinder too.
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She says: “I want to meet someone but this has been a disaster.
“I’m no closer to the secret of finding my dream man. Perhaps for now I’ll have to stop looking.
“That or suggest each lad brings a spare pair of pants with him. Just in case we go to Maccies.”
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