Avoid hitting ‘unfriend’ when you fight with friend using our top tips
Major life events can have an impact on our friendships but these tips you'll stay BFFS no matter what
WHETHER you’ve been besties since school or bonded over post-work wine-and-whine sessions, so much of friendship is to do with what you share.
From sleepovers to mums’ nights out, horrible bosses and hangovers, being close is easy when your lives are in sync.
But what about when things shifts gears if one of you lands a new job, gets engaged or has a baby, it can feel as though you’re in danger of drifting apart.
Studies show that the number of friends we have peaks at the age of 25 then starts to fall.* It’s no coincidence that this is when major life events such as marriage kick in. In fact, researchers at Oxford University calculated we lose two friends when we fall in love.
A big change in a friend’s life can also trigger you to compare your own life unfavourably, creating a distance. “Humans are naturally comparative creatures,” says psychologist Dr Linda Papadopoulos. “So it’s inevitable that when you scroll through your social media feed and see a friend is pregnant or celebrating a promotion, it’s going to affect you.”
It's easy to assume we should be doing what everyone around us is.
Life coach Lucy Sheridan agrees: “If the conditions that helped the friendship flourish change, it makes you worry the friendship itself is altered, and you can start to question its validity.”
But you can still stay BFFs no matter what life throws at you…
ALL THE SINGLE LADIES
THE PROBLEM: For a long time you were your friend’s significant other, bonding over terrible Tinder dates and Netflix nights. But now she’s coupled up and you’re booking a table for one.
HOW TO MIND THE GAP: “Be honest,” says Lucy. “Don’t kid each other that nothing is going to change, because chances are your friendship is already evolving now one of you is in a relationship.”
Rather than waiting for the phone to ring, find ways to explain how you feel. “We can think we have to give the impression that nothing bothers us or we don’t want to seem like we’re dragging the other person down,” says Linda. “But try to approach it in a positive way, telling your friend how much you value what you have and don’t want to lose it. Talk about ways to keep your friendship going, even though you may see each other a bit less.”
And if you’re really struggling seeing your friend coupled up, Lucy advises you ask yourself why that might be. “Examine what’s really going on and what your friend’s new relationship is confronting in you.
For example, are you not yet over an ex and wish you were? It’s easy to assume we should be doing what everyone around us is and that’s why it’s bothering us, but that’s not always what we truly want,” she says.
FRIENDS WITH MONEY
THE PROBLEM: You used to split the bill for wine o’clock and compare ASOS bargains. But after a pay rise she’s started picking bars that leave you scared to check your bank balance for a week. And there’s no way you can afford the weekend away she keeps suggesting, but you don’t want to be left out.
HOW TO MIND THE GAP: Talk about it. “Money is a still a taboo subject,” says Simonne Gnessen, founder of Wise Monkey Financial Coaching and co-author of She-conomics. “We talk about our sex lives with our friends but wouldn’t dream of telling them what we earn. If it’s becoming an issue you need to have a frank conversation, because money is rarely about just notes and coins – it throws up a lot of emotions.”
For example, don’t assume that because a friend earns less than you it’s as simple as offering to pay. “It may seem rational to you, but even though they earn less, generosity might be a really important part of their personality and the way they see themselves, so it makes them uncomfortable to take from others,” says Simonne. “Or they may have a deep-seated belief that money is linked with control, and that by paying for dinner the other person expects something in return.”
Likewise, if you think something is too expensive, speak up. “Often we make assumptions about how much disposable income people have, and there may well be other friends in your group who feel the same as you when a dinner or hen party is planned. Unless you say something, you won’t know.”
And if it makes you feel bad to have to say you can’t afford it all the time, try shifting the language you use, suggests Simonne.
“Money is really about what we value and what we think is important in life, which is why it triggers such strong feelings – two people earning the same could have entirely different views on how much is acceptable to pay for a meal. So rather than telling yourself it’s out of your budget, think of it as a choice – you’re choosing not to spend your money that way.
Instead, try saying: ‘I don’t want to spend that much.’ It helps to take your self-esteem out of the equation.”
PREGNANT PAUSE
THE PROBLEM: You’d always pictured yourselves having kids at the same age and hanging out on maternity leave. But while she’s on baby number two, you’re struggling to conceive and finding it hard to relate to her new set of parenthood worries.
HOW TO MIND THE GAP: Seek some support elsewhere. “It may not be what you want to hear, but there are always going to be some things in life that our friends will just not be able to understand however hard they try, whether that’s becoming a mother for the first time or struggling with fertility issues,” says Lucy.
MOST READ IN FABULOUS
“Instead find networks – a Facebook group or coffee morning, for example – with people who are able to give you the specific support you need and let off steam.
“This isn’t to say you’re giving up on your existing friendships – far from it. Think of it as releasing a pressure valve, freeing you both to connect over other things,” Lucy adds.
“Also, remember to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Your friend might say something insensitive, but the chances are they don’t mean to be hurtful and are just doing their best to understand.”
BTW
- 155: The average number of Facebook friends we have.**
- 4: How many friends we say we can count on in a crisis.***
- 200: The hours you’ll spend with someone before considering them a close mate.†
Sources: *Aalto University School of Science in Finland and Oxford University’s Department of Experimental Psychology ** ***Royal Society Open Science †The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships