From watching porn to preferring Netflix, four women reveal the reasons they fake orgasms
THREE out of four women have at some point faked orgasm, research has found. They do so every third time they make love, and for many reasons – including to end unenjoyable sex, because partners have peaked or because they suspect them of cheating.
Sex therapist Phillip Hodson says: “The idea that three quarters of modern heterosexual women are faking orgasm in 2019 is extraordinary. I can only conclude women are more afraid of displeasing their lovers than caring whether they enjoy sex or not.” So why do women pretend?
LYNSEY HOPE asks four to reveal the naked truth.
Julia, 21
JULIA BALSAM, of Maidenhead, Berks, is a single mum to Mia, two, and works in a bakery. She has never had a real orgasm, so will fake it instead. Julia says:
'SADLY there is a stigma around girls talking about sex and what pleases them. Not many feel brave enough to speak up, especially young girls. Women are just expected to enjoy everything a guy does, even if it isn’t working for them.
In school, you only learn the biological side of things – nothing about pleasure. That’s why, when I had my first boyfriend in my late teens, I decided to fake an orgasm.
The sex was far from perfect but rather than being honest, I decided to pretend. Back then, I felt uncomfortable and awkward talking about my sex life. All I wanted was to please him. Men can be a bit “me, me, me”. They worry about number one and their partner’s pleasure is a bit of an after-thought.
They think whatever they do will please a woman, but it doesn’t always work that way. It’s hard for women to talk openly about their likes and dislikes in the bedroom – but we all need to start being a bit braver, myself included. I fake it less now than I used to. As I get older I’m getting a bit more confident to say what I want to do.
Sex is something natural and just like other things, such as breastfeeding, it shouldn’t be seen as a taboo. With time, hopefully I’ll learn what works for me. I hope that when I meet the right partner I will feel really comfortable talking to them and I won’t have to fake it at all.'
Roxanne, 35
ROXANNE BREARLEY, a retail manager, from Maidstone, Kent, sometimes fakes the Big O with husband Andrew, 38, an insurance claims handler. She says:
'I WORK six-and-a-half days a week as a retail manager at a service station. It’s a 24-hour site and that can mean long days. Often I’ll work around 80 hours a week and when I get home I can feel exhausted.
Sadly, that doesn’t leave much time for my husband. We’ve been married for two years and on the whole, we have a great sex life. But sometimes I’m just too tired to go the whole hog.
I always start off enthusiastically, but halfway through I start to think about how I need to get to sleep. Sometimes my body aches and I just want to stop, or sometimes it’s just because I want to sit and watch something on Netflix.
I’m a big telly fan and there’s usually a series on that I’m trying to catch up with. Watching a boxset relaxes me after work, more so than any physical activity. I do think my husband knows what I’m doing, even though it’s not something we talk openly about.
He plays along and probably knows that it’s a sign I’ve had enough. He never complains. On the whole, our sex life is great so I don’t think it causes any issues in our relationship. He knows what I like and we are very happy, in and out of the bedroom. It’s not something I do very often, but sometimes a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do.'
Abi, 22
ABI SHEPPARD, a student from Bucks, blames watching pornography for making her think it was normal for women to orgasm every time they had sex. She says:
'WHEN I was in my late teens, I had a lot of male friends and occasionally they would want to watch porn. Whenever I watched it with them, the women in the films always seemed to really enjoy sex and every time, without fail, would have an orgasm.
It’s the same in lots of films too, so I assumed it was normal for women to orgasm every time they had sex. When I was 17 and had my first sexual partner, I faked it every time we had sex.
I couldn’t seem to have an orgasm and I think he thought it was normal for women to orgasm too so I didn’t want to disappoint him or hurt his feelings.
I read a magazine article about how a lot of women don’t orgasm through intercourse alone and I realised I was one of them. But I thought it would really hurt his feelings if I told him at that point I’d faked it every time, so I carried on pretending.
He seemed fooled by my act and never asked any questions. That relationship broke down and I’m with a new partner. I’ve never faked it with him. We are both older, both realise what is normal and healthy in a sexual relationship and talk about things a bit more openly.
I feel porn ruined a lot of my perceptions about sex. I want women to know it’s OK if you don’t orgasm every time, it’s normal. Sex isn’t always perfect. An orgasm doesn’t just happen, it’s something you have to work towards.'
Nicoly, 25
NICOLY COSTA lives with her partner Matthew, 27, a builder, near Ashford in Kent and is a full-time mum to their son Harry, two. She says:
'BEFORE having my son and even during the pregnancy, Matthew and I had a great sex life. We’ve been together for three years and couldn’t get enough of each other, having sex every day. But after Harry was born, sadly that changed.
We don’t do it anywhere near as often. We’re lucky if we have sex once a week. I miss the way it used to be but you get used to it after a while and it just becomes the norm.
I’m a full-time mum and that takes up a lot of my energy. I’m exhausted after running around after a two-year-old boy all day and the last thing I feel like is a long session.
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When my partner does try it on, I don’t want to let him down and I do enjoy the sex. I just don’t want it to go on for hours and hours, so that’s why I sometimes fake an orgasm. Then I can get to sleep in case my son wakes in the night or gets up early.
I don’t feel guilty for doing it. We do both still enjoy the sex we have. I’m planning to go back to work as a PA in September. I’m hoping that when I do return to work, I might start to feel a little bit more like myself and perhaps I’ll find a bit more energy for my sex life.
Maybe we will start doing it more often again. After agreeing to share my story, I told my partner I had faked it with him. He wasn’t upset but seemed quite surprised. I must be a better actress than I’d given myself credit for.'
'Lie-maxes are bad for sex life'
Alix Fox
ARE you fed up of faking it but don’t want to offend your partner? Sex expert Alix Fox explains how to fix it:
“Sadly, it’s very common for women to fake their climax – aka a ‘lie-max’– during intercourse. Often, people put on an act because they’re too nervous to admit that what’s happening between the sheets isn’t working for them.
“They might feign a Big O because they’re tired, bored, or have given up on trying to obtain a true orgasm, and just want to finish sex quickly while saving their partner’s ego.
“Lots of porn gives the false impression it’s normal for women to reach their peak after just seconds of stimulation, so some women will play-act because they think that’s what is expected of them.
“Lie-maxes are terrible for your sex life. They convince your lover that what they’re doing is working perfectly, so they keep behaving the same way and nothing improves. You can fix things, though. Bodies change all the time and something that felt good last year – or last week – may not now. So use that as a smart excuse if you need to.
“Rather than saying, ‘What we’re doing has never turned me on’, say ‘That doesn’t seem to be working for my body tonight – can we try something different?’ ”
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