We went on eight simple dates designed by relationship experts to see if they could put our marriage back on track
IT’S easy to get stuck in a rut with your relationship.
Bickering about the bins and spending your time together staring at screens is common for a lot of us. Could eight simple dates put your marriage back on track?
Psychologists John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman — who have been married for 30 years — believe so.
Their new book Eight Dates outlines the rules for each themed date — no phones, don’t drink much, talk lots, and try to keep a sense humour throughout.
John and Julie say: “We know the areas in a couple’s lives that cause the most struggle.
"And we can lead you through the eight essential conversations that will give you the best chance at creating your own ‘happily ever after’.”
We asked married couple James, 40, and Katherine MacLeod, 38, who live in Tunbridge Wells, Kent, to see if the book’s advice helped their relationship blossom.
Building-site supervisor James, who has children from a previous relationship, says: “We’ve been married for three years.
"Just before our wedding, Katherine’s mum was diagnosed as terminally ill. It changed the dynamic of our relationship and it has been really hard since.”
Mortgage adviser Katherine says: “Due to the unexpected stress of our situation, we row over stupid things, like who empties the dishwasher. We need to put the kindness back into our relationship.”
1) Agree to disagree
Theme: Addressing conflict.
Location: Somewhere peaceful where you had a great time in the past.
Conflict is natural and not all problems can be fixed. You can’t “solve” your personality or lifestyle differences. You should accept your partner for who they are.
Talk about: What angers you? What can I do to calm you if you’re angry?
Katherine says: “For this date we stayed at home and had our morning cuppa in the garden. We’ve realised that we are different – I’m a self-confessed control freak and James is more relaxed.”
James says: “We feel awful after a row. The key for us is to avoid getting into an argument in the first place by being more understanding of each other’s differences.”
2) Let's get it on
Theme: Sex and intimacy.
Location: Dinner.
Talk about: Research shows couples who talk openly about sex have more of it. What are your turn-ons and turn-offs?
James says: “I booked a table at our favourite restaurant. We’ve always had a good sex life and it was nice to reminisce about our time together.
"Katherine divulged she’s felt self-conscious recently and this has affected her confidence. I assured her she’s beautiful but we agreed to work on our lifestyle choices to help each other feel healthy.”
Katherine says: “I reminded James that small gestures such as cuddling are important. It was a romantic evening that led to action in the bedroom. I felt closer to James than I have for a long time.”
3) The cost of love
Theme: Work, money.
Location: Anywhere free.
Talk about: Money is a key reason for couples’ fights. Relationships demand our time but so does work. What were your parents’ attitudes to money? And what is your best money memory?
Katherine says: “We went to the park with a flask of coffee and a bag of cookies. James feels money can’t buy happiness but I think you need some to be comfortable.
"Things such as a nice house and a nice car are important to me.”
James says: “It’s been a real eye-opener to realise how different we are where money is concerned.
"It’s made me realise we need to ensure that we’ve got enough money for Katherine to feel secure, while ensuring I also get my spontaneity fix.”
4) Room to grow
Theme: Family.
Location: At home.
Talk about: How you define “family” is up to you and your partner. What do you want yours to look like? Do you want kids? Discussing that now will save you heartache later.
James says: “I have children from a previous relationship. Prior to us getting married, Katherine made it clear she had no interest in having children, which suited us both as we’re really happy.”
Katherine says: “I’m very family-orientated and love that we’re both so close to our families and see them regularly. I love being a stepmum.
“The importance of family to me is stronger since my mum passed away. Her death hit me hard and it made me realise how short life can be.”
5) Things to believe in
Theme: Growth and spirituality.
Location: A place that feels beautiful to you both.
Talk about: The only constant is change. Don’t try to try to make your partner just like you, learn from them and the ways you’re different. What carries you through your most difficult times? What do you want to accomplish?
Katherine says: “We had a cold beer in the garden. We’ve had some hard times but we’re good at knowing what we need to get through.
"James has been an incredible support. He helped me manage my bipolar disorder.”
James says: “Katherine was finally diagnosed in 2010. She is fully medicated and functions perfectly. She’s always been an independent woman, but now she is learning it’s OK to ask for help.”
6) A lifetime of love
Theme: Goals, dreams.
Location: Outside either at dawn or sunset.
Talk about: Supporting each other’s dreams is as vital as trust, commitment and sex. If you could do anything, what would it be? Is there a dream you have never shared?
James says: “We drove to a local seaside town, had fish and chips and watched the sun go down. After a turbulent few years we’re now in a position to move forward with our lives.
"Ultimately, we’d like more balance. We want to travel and see much more of the world.”
Katherine says: “I dream of finding more peace since my mum’s passing. I feel that when I’ve come to terms with her death, I’ll have the head-space to focus on being more adventurous and exploring the world more.”
7) Play with me
Theme: Fun/adventure.
Location: Anywhere new.
Talk about: Our lives are better and brighter when we remember to play and inject some adventure. Shared fun and laughter contribute to a happier, healthier relationship.
James says: “We borrowed a friend’s hot tub, as we’ve been toying with getting one. The fun has sometimes been missing over the past few years.
"We get bogged down with work and don’t do the things we did at the start. I enjoy stepping out of my comfort zone. Katherine agrees but struggles to be spontaneous.”
Katherine says: “We’ve had the most fun travelling abroad and want to do it more. But the hot tub taught us you don’t need adventures in far-flung countries and we will try something new regularly.”
8) Lean on me
Theme: Trust and commitment.
Location: A high place with a great view.
Talk about: Commitment is a choice we make every day. Trust happens when we show our partner we are there for them and they do the same for us. But there are many ways in which people break trust in a relationship.
James says: “We drove to where we got engaged, on the common in Tunbridge Wells. It’s so beautiful.
"We have 100 per cent commitment to each other and no concerns about infidelity. Trust means saying anything without judgment.”
Katherine adds: “We agreed we’d continue to be honest, work as a team and discuss our feelings so niggles don’t become bigger issues. It was really enjoyable to sit and talk without any interruptions.”
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The verdict
Katherine says: “Each date made us make time for each other. We have grown as a couple and I feel even better about ‘us’ than ever”.
James says: “It’s been a great opportunity to focus on what is really important to us.
"I’ve learnt a lot about Katherine over the past few weeks.
"Some of the conversations were tricky at the start, but taking the time to talk properly makes such a difference.”
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