I’m scared to sleep, I have no idea how long I’ve got left, says Dame Deborah James
“THE truth is, I don’t know how long I’ve got left,” Dame Deborah James tells me.
In a quick chat yesterday, the Sun writer said she wanted to share an update - two weeks after revealing she’s receiving end of life care.
The 40-year-old tells me she’s feeling “exhausted” but adds: “I don’t feel like I’m on my deathbed.
“I’m not planning on dying anytime soon but it’s just so unpredictable.
“I’m scared to fall asleep and that’s one of the biggest reasons I’m so tired. I am scared to go to sleep.”
Dame Debs is being cared for by a hospice team and her family at her parents’ home in Woking, Surrey.
To donate to the BowelBabe Fund visit
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When I ask Debs if she’s in pain, she says it’s more discomfort adding she had some nasty stomach problems over the weekend.
“It’s ironic, I’ve spent the last five years talking about poo, and breaking the poo taboo,” she says.
“It’s typical I suffer with a s*** stomach now.
“I think my family are knackered, they have all been incredible - going above and beyond to look after me and nurse me.
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“What I have seen from them in the last two weeks is true love, deep love. It’s overwhelming.
“They have all been amazing.
“I know the pressure on them at the moment is huge, I can’t do anything anymore without their help.”
The 40-year-old said she has good days, and bad - adding she is doing all she can to shield her kids, Eloise, 12, and Hugo, 14, from seeing her darkest moments.
“I feel very strongly that I don’t want my kids to see me agitated and distressed,” she tells me.
“I want to make sure they see me when I’m having a good day.”
The determination to protect her kids is clear, and comes from seeing her grandparents when they were unwell.
“They weren’t good memories for me,” she admits. “I don’t want that for my kids.
“I want them to have nice memories.
“I don’t want them to take on the burden of having to care for me, massage my legs because I can’t walk. That would break my heart.”
RAISE AWARENESS
Since sharing her heartbreaking update, the cancer campaigner has not stopped - and still, shows no signs of slowing down.
“I just think the more awareness I can help raise, the better,” she says.
“I’ve hopefully got a few things on this week.”
Perhaps that should come as no surprise given what she’s achieved in a matter of days.
She’s raised a staggering £6.4million for her BowelBabe Fund, been honoured with a Damehood and invited Prince William over for tea.
Then came the release of her second book, which rocketed to the top of the Amazon book charts, a sold-out charity T-shirt and a rose named after her.
- To pre-order Deborah's book visit
- Her t-shirt is available through in sizes 6-28
- The Dame Deborah James rose, Bare Root, is available at
What are the symptoms of bowel cancer to look for? Remember "BOWEL"
- : B:Bleeding
There are several possible causes of bleeding from your bottom, of blood in your poo.
Bright red blood could come from swollen blood vessels, haemorrhoids or piles, in your back passage.
Dark red or black blood could come from your bowel or stomach.
Blood in your stools is one of the key signs of bowel cancer, so it's important to mention it to your doctor so they can investigate.
2. O: Obvious change in loo habits
It's important to tell your GP if you have noticed any changes in your bowel habits, that lasts three weeks or longer.
It's especially important if you have also noticed signs of blood in your poo.
You might notice you need to go to the loo more often, you might have looser stools or feel like you're not going enough or fully emptying your bowels.
Don't be embarrassed, your GP will have heard a lot worse! Speak up and get it checked.
3. W: Weight loss
This is less common than the other symptoms, but an important one to be aware of. If you've lost weight and don't really know why, it's worth mentioning to your GP.
You may not feel like eating, feel sick, bloated and not hungry.
4. E: Extreme tiredness
Bowel cancer that causes bleeding can cause a lack of iron in the body - anaemia. If you develop anaemia you're likely to feel tired and your skin might look pale.
5. L: Lump or pain
As with lots of other forms of cancer, a lump or pain can be a sign of bowel cancer.
It's most likely you'll notice a pain or lump in your stomach or back passage.
See your GP if it doesn't go away, or if it affects how you eat or sleep.
Reflecting on the outpouring of love, she tells me: “It’s mad, completely crazy. I can’t quite believe it.
“It’s all a great distraction and it’s keeping my mind off dying.”
The millions Deborah has raised will go to fund cancer research, with the hope of one day finding a cure.
“I’d love to see the Fund hit £7million,” she admitted.
“I’ve been overwhelmed by everyone’s generosity, with donations, pre-ordering my book, buying the T-shirt and my rose - it’s all raising money for the Fund.”
Another huge positive to come out of the last few weeks is a flood of letters being sent to Debs at her parents’ home.
Not knowing the address, strangers have taken creative punts, addressing their letters to, ‘Dame Debs, staying with her parents somewhere in Woking’, with others pleading with Royal Mail, ‘please try to deliver’.
“All the mail I’m getting is hilarious, seeing the ways people are addressing their letters,” Debs tells me, laughing.
“It’s making me smile, they are really fun. We’re reading them all.”
It’s a welcome relief, at such an uncertain time.
“The worst thing is not knowing how long I’ve got left,” she tells me.
When I was sent home from hospital, I was told I had a week or so.
“It’s been two weeks now, so not that long really. It’s just so unpredictable.”
NO STRAIGHT ANSWER
Ever the journalist, Deborah says she constantly asks her hospice team: ‘How will I know when it’s time?’
The horrible truth is there is no straight answer.
“I want to know when I need to get my kids back from school, to say goodbye to them,” she tells me.
“It’s just not that easy. It’s like giving birth apparently, it’s hard to predict.
“For some people, they can be talking one minute and just go the next.
“Others fall unconscious for days, while some need more and more sedation towards the end.
“I want to be with it and be aware of everything around me for as long as I can.
“But, I have told my hospice team that I am very happy to be sedated, when the time is right.”
For now, the focus is on controlling Deborah’s symptoms, and making sure she is as comfortable as possible.
“When I left the hospital two weeks ago, I was on seven different antibiotics,” she adds.
“Now I am on no antibiotics, so a lot is down to chance.
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“The big risk is sepsis, and we know where that will go.
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“Right now, I am just trying to take it really easy, I don’t think I can do much more.”
- To donate to the BowelBabe Fund visit
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