I’m a paediatrician – you’ve been dealing with toddler tantrums all wrong – here’s the 4 tactics you need
TODDLER temper tantrums are very common - they're called the terrible twos for a reason, after all.
In fact, toddlers tend to start airing their frustrations from about 18 months, the notes.
This is because they want to express themselves but are still figuring out how, it adds.
Thankfully, these kinds of outbursts become far less common by the time your kid reaches the age of four.
But if you're a parent in the thick of this testing period, you might be tempted to dismiss your toddler's temper tantrum as ridiculous.
Especially if it's about wanting to wear ONE particular t-shirt or not eating a certain shape of pasta.
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However, seasoned paediatrician Dr Cathryn Tobin has warned that you might have been dealing with these outbursts all wrong - you could even be making them worse.
Don't invalidate their feelings
It's pretty easy to do this, as a toddler's reactions can be quite over-the-top.
But telling your toddler 'it's no biggie' or to stop being upset is not the way to go, Dr Tobin told
“Toddlers often get upset over the most insane things.
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"But while they seem insane to us, they are real and crucial to your toddler,” she explained.
Try taking your toddler's experience seriously during a tantrum and put yourself in their shoes for a moment, she advised.
Next, consider how you would feel if you were upset about something and you were told to 'stop whining because it’s not a big deal'.
Don't tell them how they should feel
Dr Tobin went on: “We often innocently and unknowingly negate our toddler’s experience.
"We tell toddlers not to trust their feelings."
You should avoid saying things like 'don't be angry' or 'you have nothing to be upset about', she added.
Don't lie
Dr Tobin's final piece of advice to parents is to avoid lying in the hope of avoiding an outburst.
She gave the example of telling your toddler a jab 'won't hurt' so they will sit still.
“Trust is crucial. Better to tell the truth and offer coping strategies,” she advised.
What you should do instead
You might be tempted to sit your child in front of the TV or hand them an iPad when they're threatening to have a tantrum.
have found that, while doing so might quell the situation in the moment, it won't teach your toddler how to regulate their emotions in the long term.
Here's what you can do instead:
- Don't ignore your child, instead respond with love (easier said than done but important)
- Ask your child to name their emotions after they've calmed down (you can help them if they're still quite little)
- Validate that it's ok to feel those feelings
- Give them a book to read - Dr Tobin believes books can help children calmly move on from their tantrum
To help validate your toddler's feelings, Dr Tobin suggested the example of: “It’s OK to be angry but it’s not OK to throw the blocks.”
The NHS also offered for dealing with a temper tantrum, including not giving up when you've decided to try a certain solution as it may take time to work, and trying not to overreact or be irritated at your child.
Why is my toddler having a tantrum?
There are a number of factors that can affect your child's behaviour:
- Any change in a child's life can be difficult for them - the birth of a new baby, moving house, a change of childminder, starting playgroup or something much smaller
- Children are quick to notice if you're feeling upset or there are problems in the family and may behave badly - it's important not to blame yourself or your child if they react with difficult behaviour
- Sometimes your child may react in a particular way because of how you've handled a problem in the past
- Your child might see a tantrum as a way of getting attention, even if it's bad attention - try to give them more attention when they're behaving well and less when they're being difficult
But you shouldn't feel that you need to cope with your child's tantrums alone, the NHS cautioned.
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If you're struggling with your child's behaviour:
- talk to your health visitor – they will be happy to support you and suggest some new strategies to try
- visit the Family Lives website for , or phone their free parents' helpline on 0808 800 2222
- download the