I’m a GP – here’s how to help your tween survive puberty WITHOUT facing a hormonal horror story, says Dr Zoe Williams
BEING a tween girl is no easy thing – and neither is being a parent to one.
From navigating angst, first loves and periods, to the ups and downs of body image and mental health, it all kicks off in the tween years.
But it doesn’t have to be completely overwhelming.
Which is why Sun Health’s resident GP, Dr Zoe Williams, has written her new book, You Grow Girl!: The Complete No Worries Guide to Growing Up.
Dr Zoe told Ella Walker: “This is the book I wish I’d had when I was growing up, but it touches on the challenges girls have today that we didn’t, such as social media.
“It’s more than a puberty book. I want to empower girls to have high aspirations and feel the best version of themselves.”
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Aimed at girls aged 9+, You Grow Girl! is also an eye-opening read for parents and boys too.
- You Grow Girl!: The Complete No Worries Guide to Growing Up by Dr Zoe Williams is published by Wren & Rook, for £9.99. Available June 8.
OPEN UP
STARTING a conversation with your youngster about anything — let alone their health — can be daunting, but don’t be put off.
Dr Zoe says: “It’s OK to feel embarrassed, but don’t let embarrassment get in the way of these important conversations.
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“Let your child know by saying something like, ‘I really want to talk to you about this but I’ll be honest, I feel a bit embarrassed. It’s important though, so let’s get on with it’.”
Normalise having regular, open chats about issues that have come up at school, on TV or online.
It doesn’t have to be a huge deal, so don’t arrange a family meal for a presentation on periods.
Instead, try having a chat while driving or walking, as being side-by-side, rather than face-on, helps conversations flow more easily and reduces any awkwardness.
Dr Zoe suggests giving a “warning shot”. She explains: “If you notice your daughter has breast buds, for example, say casually, ‘Do you want to go shopping this weekend?
"We could visit a bra shop and I’ll tell you about how it works’, then just leave it there.
“You both know the conversation is coming, and when you do say, ‘Let’s have that chat about bras’ they’ll be ready, and may know more than you think.”
Whatever the topic, make sure your daughter understands she can come to you, and that you’ll be there for her no matter what.
Dr Zoe adds: “Puberty can be challenging, but there’s also a lot to look forward to.
"You get to be more independent, make more decisions, figure out what you do and don’t like, find your ‘tribe’ and learn to be kind to yourself.
“The longest and most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself and we need to invest in that.”
Is ten too young?
Q) MY daughter is only ten and has started asking me questions about sex. Is it too young to talk about that?
A) Whatever your child’s age, if they are starting to ask about their body, they’re old enough for a truthful answer. It’s great they trust and respect you enough to come to you first with questions.
Use my book, read sections with them, or seek NHS advice online. If you withhold a truthful answer, they’ll ask elsewhere, and may not get accurate information.
ANATOMY LESSON
PUBERTY is a huge change that will affect your daughter’s body and mind.
Even though you’ve been through it, it’s unlikely you’ll fully remember the hormonal turmoil.
So re-educate yourself. Puberty usually starts between the ages of eight and 13 in girls, and nine to 14 in boys.
Dr Zoe explains: “If a girl starts puberty before eight, it’s referred to as early puberty and it’s recommended she sees her GP.
“Once children enter puberty, they begin producing more sex hormones, especially oestrogen in girls, and in boys, more testosterone.”
These hormones trigger all sorts of changes. Girls are likely to:
- Develop breasts, and the nipples will get larger.
- Have increased sebum (oil) production, which can make skin and hair feel greasier and cause acne.
- Become taller, and curvier around the hips and breasts.
- Start their menstrual cycle.
- Dr Zoe says: “I hope girls read this book and feel more positive, rather than dreading their periods. I talk about hacking your hormones, so while you can’t necessarily change how your hormones fluctuate, you can alter plans around your menstrual cycle to make sure you get the best out of its four phases.”
- Develop stretch marks.
- Grow hair in the armpits, groin and on the arms and legs.
- Have their vulva grow larger.
- Experience mood swings.
I don't have the answers
Q: My daughter asked me what and where a vulva is and I wasn’t entirely sure what to tell her.
A) It’s so important that we can all identify our own body parts with the correct terminology - there’s no shame in knowing the words or using them.
The vulva is the external part of female genitalia - the vagina is the internal part.
There’s a great diagram in You Grow Girl, that’s fully labelled and explained, which you and your daughter could read together.
It’s ok to not have all the answers, learning together can be a great bonding experience.
TOTES EMOSH
TALKING of mood swings, don’t be surprised if your daughter’s temperament changes as puberty strikes.
Dr Zoe says: “After all the physical changes tweens are likely to experience in puberty, it’s not surprising if they end up feeling like their emotions are all over the place.”
However, she adds: “Puberty doesn’t have to be a hormonal horror story.”
There are strategies you can encourage your tween to try when they’re feeling out of control:
ACCEPTANCE: “There are no ‘bad’ feelings,” says Dr Zoe. “When you accept these so-called negative feelings, they leave a whole lot quicker than when you fight them.
“Next time you’re feeling down, say to yourself, ‘I’m feeling down today, and that’s OK’.”
DISTRACTION: “This is a great way to lift yourself out of a funk. It’s also the perfect excuse to play a video game or have a kitchen disco.”
WRITE IT OUT: “Journaling can help alleviate the pressure, as can writing a letter to someone who’s upset you, but not sending it.”
BREATHE YOURSELF CALM: “Focus on breathing slowly and deeply — in through the nose and out through the mouth. I guarantee after a minute, you’ll be feeling calmer.”
Daughter’s pal is a bully
Q) THERE’S been some serious bullying at my daughter’s school.
She hasn’t been bullied, but the girl doing the bullying is one of her closest friends. How do I tackle this?
A) Bullying can be very serious for the victims, but we also know that usually bullying is a symptom of some form of distress in the bully.
My advice for your daughter would be to: 1) absolutely not engage with the bullying, 2) if she feels brave enough, to tell her friend how the bullying makes her feel sad or uncomfortable, 3) ask the bully how she can support her and recognise that the bully is often a victim too.
WALK TALL
OUR confidence can really suffer during puberty.
Dr Zoe says: “It can be hard adjusting and you can end up feeling really self-conscious about the curves that are suddenly starting to appear, not to mention the hair and the spots.”
It doesn’t help that society places so much value on how we look, inundating us with filtered images that can make us “feel ashamed of our true selves”.
Dr Zoe says: “A great way to counteract everyone’s obsession with appearance is to focus on how amazing our bodies are instead.”
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She recommends exercise: “When you are able to run a certain distance or jump a certain height, it helps you appreciate your body for what it can do rather than how it can look.”
Help your daughter find a form of fitness she enjoys. You could go for bike rides, play football in the garden, do the Couch To 5k running plan or even try paddleboarding.
Body size worries
Q) MY 13-year-old daughter has started criticising her body and commenting on the size and shape of other people too. Is this normal?
A) It’s OK to ask why she’s making such statements. Has someone commented on her body recently?
Or has she noticed this happening elsewhere? One way to drown out negative voices is to use mantras – a positive statement you repeat, for example: “You’re beautiful, inside and out.”