Do you always want more sex than your partner? How to realign your sex drives – and when to really worry
Plus the health conditions that may be contributing to a low libido
IF you and your partner are on a similar wavelength when it comes to how often you have sex, then you’re likely pretty satisfied.
But, when one of you wants more or less sex than the other, problems can arise.
After all, sex plays an important role in a relationship, helping to maintain intimacy and secure the bond between a couple.
So, how do you balance mismatched sex drives?
Hope Flynn is the founder of Instagram community and head of sexual wellness content at STI testing company .
She says: “There are various factors that can influence an individual’s sex drive including biological differences, hormonal fluctuations (especially if a female is ovulating), stress, relationship dynamics, and psychological factors.
“It’s really common for couples to have differing sex drives because of a mixture of these factors.”
Hope confirms that despite hormonal fluctuations being a cause of unbalanced sex drives, it isn’t just women who experience low libido.
She says: “Sex drive varies widely from person to person regardless of gender. It’s definitely a misconception to generalise that women as a whole have lower sex drives than men.
“Some women may have a really high libido, while others may have lower levels.”
Having different sex drives can leave one partner feeling unwanted or neglected, but the other feeling pressured or guilty.
So how do you approach this topic?
Be upfront
Whether you want more sex or want your partner to expect less of you, the first thing to do is have a conversation about it.
Hope says that it’s a good idea to create a safe space to discuss both of your desires, concerns (if any) and your expectations regarding intimacy and what goes on in the bedroom.
This means telling your partner that you want an honest and open conversation without judgement, which can lead to arguing.
Hope says: “Having a conversation about wanting more sex requires sensitivity and a lot of open communication.”
If you’re looking for more sex, Hope recommends using ‘I’ statements to express your feelings, such as saying, ‘I’d like us to explore more together’.
“Ask your partner if you can explore more ways to feel more connected outside of the bedroom. Encourage your partner to share their thoughts so you can understand each other better.”
If you’re the one with the low libido, Hope says: “You can say things like, ‘I’ve noticed my interest in sex has changed, and I want to talk about it’.
“This way you can share your perspective on the importance of sex for you.”
During this conversation, it’s important for partners to be understanding.
Hope says: “You need to be empathetic and recognise that you and your partner may have different needs and desires but also understand that there could be factors affecting sex drives.”
Explore new ways to be intimate
Experiment with new ways to connect intimately with your partner. Strengthening the bond between you may boost sex drive.
“Intimacy goes beyond just sex,” says Hope.
She suggests being more affectionate, whether that be with a hug, kiss, cuddle, hand holding or even giving each other massages.
Finding a middle ground that satisfies both partners will involve a combination of exploring new things in the bedroom, being attentive to each other’s emotional needs and working on fostering intimacy outside the bedroom as well.
Hope Flynn
She adds: “Plan date nights and make time for each other to have a nice meal, watch a movie or go on a nice walk together and spend quality time together doing activities you both enjoy or taking turns to explore each other’s hobbies.”
Expressing your appreciation for your partner with compliments can also help you to connect, as can discussing and planning your future together.
“This helps you feel more aligned and builds your connection,” says Hope.
“Surprise your partner with thoughtful gestures; it can be small and doesn’t have to cost much.
“Who doesn’t love someone picking up their favourite drink from the shop or picking up a book you think the other person may enjoy?”
Oh, and don’t forget to laugh. Sharing moments of joy and laughter together helps create a positive and fun atmosphere.
Schedule sexy time
The beauty of scheduling intimacy is that you can prepare yourself for the occasion.
Alix Fox previously told The Sun you could do this by listening to a sex story on a podcast on the train home.
Be sure to leave enough time for sex and don’t cram it in between different activities or must-do jobs on your to-do list.
But if you only have 15 minutes, it doesn’t need to be boring – read these tips to spice things up.
“Try something new; you can refer to books such as the Kama Sutra for inspiration and be open to talking about your desires and fantasies,” says Hope.
Compromise
As anyone in a relationship knows, compromise in a relationship is key. But Hope says this is especially true when it comes to differing sex drives.
The person with a low libido doesn’t have to go out of their way to boost it, and should not feel as though there is something wrong with them.
But it may help the relationship to find some sort of middle ground.
Hope says: “Finding a middle ground that satisfies both partners will involve a combination of exploring new things in the bedroom, being attentive to each other’s emotional needs and working on fostering intimacy outside the bedroom as well.
“It’s crucial to be understanding of your partner’s needs and desires/or lack of.”
The focus should be on the quality of intimacy rather than just the frequency of it. This will ensure both of you feel satisfied.
Hope
Hope adds: “If your partner wants sex five times a week and you want it once, then you could try meeting in the middle somewhere.”
Being in a relationship requires a willingness to work together to ensure you’re both feeling satisfied and respected.
Hope says: “Always respect each other’s boundaries and aim to create a balance that makes you both comfortable and happy.”
Stop comparing
You may be worried about how often you have sex when compared with your friends.
Perhaps you compare your sex life now to the one you had when you entered the relationship and wonder what has changed.
Hope says you need to stop thinking about the amount of times you’re having sex, and rather, the quality.
It’s better to have meaningful and enjoyable sex that both partners are interested in than having sex more often that only satisfies one person’s needs.
This can also increase the interest for more sex.
The amount of times a couple has sex is also no indicator of the strength of the relationship.
Hope says: “Remember quality over quantity! The focus should be on the quality of intimacy rather than just the frequency of it. This will ensure both of you feel satisfied.”
Sex drive boosting lifestyle tips
There are some lifestyle changes that can help to improve a dwindling sex drive.
These include exercising regularly, having a balanced diet – eating wholesome carbs, proteins and fats – managing your stress and getting the correct amount of sleep.
Hope says: “Also I can’t stress how important it is to communicate with your partner about any desires and fantasies you may have as this can also enhance your arousal.”
When to worry
Hope reassures that having a low libido isn’t something that always needs to be ‘fixed’.
She says: “Do not pressurise your partner into sex if they are the one with the lower sex drive. Make sure you create a space full of love, trust and understanding.”
But she adds: “When your sex drive starts to negatively impact your relationship this is the time to consider consulting with a healthcare professional.”
Or if compromise is challenging and affecting the relationship, guidance from a relationship counsellor or a sex therapist may help.
There could be underlying medical or hormonal issues that might be contributing to low libido.
These include mental health issues such as depression or anxiety.
Using hormonal contraception, such as the Pill, patch or implant can affect your libido, the NHS says, as can medication for high blood pressure and depression.
Some long-term conditions can also affect your sex drive, such as heart disease, diabetes, an underactive thyroid or cancer.
And menopause, which can start causing symptoms for women in their 40s, reduces hormones that may impact your libido.