Friend is furious after I cheated on my girlfriend with his little sister
Dear Deidre
I HAD sex with my best mate’s sister after a row with my ex. It was great
at the time but now all three of them are furious with me.
I’m 29 and my ex is 25. She’s a beautiful girl with a huge sexual appetite.
We’ve been on and off for three years. It’s been an exciting and
nerve-racking time.
I never know when I’ll say the wrong thing and she’ll get in a rage. She’s got
a filthy mouth and doesn’t think twice about thumping me hard.
Since I’ve been with her I’ve found myself acting the same.
We keep splitting up and then getting together again. The last time it
happened I felt like I just couldn’t take any more.
I went down the pub and this girl at the bar started chatting to me. She was
pretty and fun and it took me a while to catch on to the fact that she’s the
sister of my best mate. She’s 24.
I walked her back home. She said that she’d liked me for years and I ended up
staying the night. The sex was great but in the morning I realised I’d made
a mistake. I was feeling messed-up and hungover. She asked if she’d see me
again and I basically said, “No way!”. Not tactful, I know.
This girl told her mate that we’d been together.
Word got around and got back to my girlfriend, or ex — or whatever she is.
She’s furious.
She’s told my mate’s sister to stay away from me or else. The poor girl was
freaked and told her brother she’d been threatened.
Now my best mate has told me we’re finished as friends and my girlfriend has
told me we’re over as lovers for good.
I’m at my wits’ end. We’ve been mates since we were at secondary school. I
just want to be back with my girlfriend and on good terms with my mate.
DEIDRE SAYS: I don’t think you will be able to make it up with them
both. Your mate won’t be impressed if you go back to the girl who threatened
his sister.
What’s more, if his sister has told him how badly you treated her that night,
then I doubt he’d want to be mates with you again anyway.
What puzzles me most is why you’re so keen to get back with your girlfriend.
Your sex life may be great but does that make up for the violence and verbal
abuse?
She sounds like a troubled person with a troubled past. I’d be wary of
settling down with a woman like this.
You say that you’ve changed since you’ve known her. Do you feel happy with
what you’ve turned into?
If you keep away from her now, my guess is she’ll soon change her mind and
come running. But don’t rush to get back in her arms.
My e-leaflet Addictive Love? can help you think this all through.
Hubby’s porn use is out of control
Dear Deidre
MY husband seems to look at porn whenever I walk out of the room. I can’t
compete with his digital fantasies.
I’m 28 and he’s 33. I’m not against him watching it now and then but his
viewing escalated while I was pregnant – and hasn’t changed since our son
was born in March.
This weekend we had sex on Saturday morning while our little boy slept, then
my husband went downstairs and switched on porn. Then he came back upstairs
and had more sex with me. It was the same on Sunday.
He seems to enjoy having sex still but he doesn’t climax with me like he did.
I don’t feel like I’m good enough.
We had lots of sex this weekend but it could be weeks before it happens again
– and I know he’ll be looking at porn every day.
He got into the habit of viewing pornography during your pregnancy and it’s
become compulsive behaviour.
DEIDRE SAYS: Tell him how sad it makes you and that it’s affecting your
marriage.
Suggest he try the Kick Start Recovery Programme ().
My e-leaflet Internet Pornography Worry? will help too.
Should I tell his wife he’s a cheat?
Dear Deidre
A GOOD friend has told me he cheats on his wife. I’ve told him he’s making a
big mistake but he won’t stop.
He let me in on his secret affair at the start. He said it was just a quick
fling but that was six months ago now and it’s still going on.
We’re both in our early forties and our wives are a similar age. The two of
them are very close friends but neither of them know about this affair.
Should I tell my wife what is going on or go straight to his wife and confess
all? Or should I have a chat with the “other woman”?
I feel stuck in an awful situation. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: What’s really bad is that you’re having to keep a secret
from your wife. She may well pick up on the fact you’re deceiving her and
get the wrong idea about who’s cheating.
Tell your friend that you don’t want to hear another word about his affair,
that you think it is wrong and hate being put in the position of being less
than truthful with your wife.
Then back off and focus on making sure your own wife feels loved and
appreciated.
Dear Deidre
I CAUGHT my now ex-girlfriend violently shaking our six-month-old daughter
then throwing her on the bed.
I called the police straightaway and took my daughter to A&E. I’m 28 and
my ex is 26. She has a volatile temper and it wasn’t the first time I’d seen
her get angry with our baby.
The police and social services investigated but my ex denied it. Social
services has now kicked me out of the house because of a domestic incident
with a previous girlfriend five years ago.
I want to get full custody of my daughter but that looks unlikely now.
DEIDRE SAYS: As long as you have overcome your anger problems it’s
worth your best shot, especially if your daughter is at risk.
Families Need Fathers can support and advise ().
Whatever happens, I hope you’ll maintain regular involvement with your little
girl. She clearly needs your love and care.
Dear Deidre
MY sex life has taken a nosedive since my daughter was born three months ago.
I’m 22 and my husband is 23. He used to be the best lover but now he can last
for a couple of minutes at most.
I worry he just isn’t that into me any more and is rushing intercourse to get
it over with, but he swears he still fancies me just as much as ever.
The other thing is that I don’t seem to enjoy sex like I used to and I haven’t
climaxed in such a long time. I want things back to how they were before.
DEIDRE SAYS: Having a baby probably interrupted your sex life for a
while, so your husband’s sexual tension had more time to build up – hence
him starting to climax quickly.
Fret less and explore other ways to show you love each other in ways other
than sex while you both adjust.
My e-leaflets Want To Last Longer? and Sex After A Baby will help.
Topic for today
A WHOPPING 93 per cent of couples who have seen a Relate sex therapist found
it improved their relationship. If you would like some helpful suggestions
on how to spice up your sex life, email for my e-leaflet, How Sex Therapy
Helps.
Get in touch
EVERY problem gets a free personal reply. Email me, private message me on , or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). You can also follow me on Twitter .