I caught my new wife in bed with my teenage son

Dear Deidre

I FOUND my son in bed with my wife. She isn’t his mother but I think it’s
appalling.

I’m 44. My son is 19 and his sister is two years younger. Their mother died
ten years ago. The three of us had a tough time.

I was so busy trying to take care of my two little kids and make money as well
that I hardly had time to grieve.

My daughter always behaved like an angel but my son was a different story. I
know losing his mum hit him hard but I don’t understand why he blamed me.

When the kids got older, I realised how lonely I was and I tried to find love.
I’ve had a few girlfriends and my daughter was pleasant to every one of
them.

Not so my son. When I’ve introduced him to a girlfriend he could barely be
bothered to smile and say hi. Later he’d tell me my girlfriend was ugly or
dull. I tried not to get angry as I knew he was missing his mum but it still
made me feel really sad.

Then I met a friend of a mate who was lovely and sweet and she made me feel
happy inside.

When my son met her he grudgingly told me that she was OK. My daughter liked
her, too. I was over the moon.

It was a whirlwind romance and we got married six months later. She made me
feel good and she loved my two kids.

READ MORE:

Strung
along by my sexy married neighbour after mind-blowing sex

I
love my boyfriend but I’m hooked on orgasmic sex with my boss

Hubby
had sex with my sister and now I’m not sure I can ever forgive them

I was away at the weekend with work and my daughter was staying with friends.
That left my wife and my son in the house.

I came home early and went upstairs to get changed. I found my son and my wife
having sex in my bed and my world crashed down around me, I love them both.
I don’t know what to do.

DEIDRE SAYS: You must be in turmoil right now. There are no rules for
dealing with such a blow, except try to stay calm and get through it.

You’ve been horribly betrayed by your new wife and you’ll need to put distance
between you. Tell her she has to move out while you try to take stock – and
try to talk to your son.

It sounds like his grief at the loss of his mum is still raw. Did he have
counselling when his mum died?

He chose to hurt you profoundly and that means real anger inside.

Talk to Cruse Bereavement Care (,
0808 808 1677). You did your best to cope at the time but now you need to do
more than just cope. You can’t do that alone.

With help you may forgive your son but forgiving your wife may be too much to
ask. Start by getting support for yourself.

His low sex drive makes me angry

Dear Deidre

MY husband and I have had sex three times in two years.

I’m 29 and he’s 28. We have been together for four years and have a
one-year-old baby girl.

I love him to bits but he never instigates sex. He rejects me in the bedroom
and says he doesn’t want counselling or doctors.

He says that he loves me but has no sex drive. I’m angry that he didn’t tell
me before we got married.

I’ve met a new man through work and I feel a connection. I’m tempted to leave
the man I love and go for a man who wants sex.

DEIDRE SAYS: If you want to have sex and you need to feel loved and
desired then you’re never going to be happy with your husband.

His sex drive won’t change unless he wants it to change. You have your little
girl to think of too, so work through all of this with Relate (,
0300 100 1234).

In-laws ruining our engagement

Dear Deidre

I’M engaged but my future in-laws are a nightmare.

I have been with my girlfriend for five years and have my own flat.

My fiancée still lives with her parents and that’s how they want it to stay.
She is 26 and I’m 28. Her mother complains about everything and her husband
just backs her up.

She was slagging off her husband and my girlfriend when I said: “I don’t know
why they put up with you.”

I tried to build bridges but I just lost it again when her mum said I’d never
amount to anything. I swore and said I had already achieved more than she
had. I want my girlfriend to move in with me but she’s unsure.

DEIDRE SAYS: Ask her to think about how she sees your relationship. If
she isn’t willing to plan a real future with you, this isn’t going anywhere.
The longer she stays there, the harder it will be. It’s time for her to
decide.

Dear Deidre

MY boyfriend insults and hurts me. He says we are finished, then claims it was
only a joke.

I’ve been with him for three years and he calls me fat and ugly and says no
other man will want me. I’m 25 and he’s 29.

When I was pregnant he called me a hippo and did face swaps with photos of me
and a hippo, and stuck them round the house.

The worst bit came when our baby was born.

He said the whole thing was disgusting. He accused me of flirting with a
doctor because I let him touch my private parts. When they gave him our
daughter to hold, he said she smelt rank, “like her mum”. He never pays for
anything. I have suffered from depression since our daughter was born and he
says he has caught it from me.

Is this normal? Will he change? Should I leave for the sake of my daughter?

DEIDRE SAYS: It is vile behaviour and not normal.

No, he won’t change unless he wants to and that could be never. Yes, please
get away from this abusive and horrible man for the sake of your daughter
and yourself.

He’s clearly worn down your self-esteem. Read my e-leaflet Abusive Partner for
support and courage to go your own way.

Dear Deidre

MY son’s girlfriend is lazy. I don’t think she has cleaned their house for a
year. She is 27 and my son’s 26.

Instead of washing pants or socks she chucks them out and buys new ones.

They have two lovely boys aged five and seven who deserve better.

I’m 51 and it upsets me. Is there anything I can do?

DEIDRE SAYS: Perhaps she wasn’t taught any housekeeping skills. Has
your son got the skills that she lacks? Being parents means being a team.
Ask if you can help out, too.

Dear Deidre

MY girlfriend turns into a lesbian when she drinks. I’ve begged her to stop
her behaviour but she won’t.

She’s 26, I’m 28 and we’ve been together for six months.

When she’s sober she’s great. She touches me in all the right places and makes
me feel sexy and loved.

When she’s drunk she will leave me alone in the pub and start kissing some
girl. Last time she did it she brought the girl over, hand-in-hand, and
tried to persuade me to have a threesome with them.

I didn’t like the way she looked at the girl, like she made her feel really
turned on. It made me feel funny so of course I refused. She kept on, so
finally I left the pub and went home alone.

She’s a beautiful girl and I can’t live without her but this is breaking up
our relationship. What can I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: Is she confused over her sexuality? She’s certainly acting
that way. When she’s sober, be brave and ask if she’s really bisexual or
gay. Go very gently, as she may need help to accept this about herself.

The LGBT+ Helpline can help (,
0300 330 0630), as can my e-leaflet Bisexual Issues.

You can live without her. If she can’t be happy with just you, then you’re
better off walking away.

Topic if the day

I REGULARLY hear from people worried that the way they or their partner enjoys
sex isn’t normal. Nothing is wrong as long as you both enjoy it but one
person’s fancy can fill the other with horror.

My e-leaflet Kinky Sex Worries? can help.

Get in touch

EVERY problem gets a free personal reply.

Email me, private message me on , or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).

You can also follow me on Twitter .