I regret sex with promiscuous pal who went on to sleep with another mate

Dear Deidre

I HAD sex with my best friend and thought it was going to be the start of
something great – but I regret it now.

She’s since gone with one of my close mates and brags about how well hung he
is. And she seems to go for anything in trousers.

I’m a guy of 20, she’s 21 and we were at school together. She’s always been
loud but she is fun.

I was very fond of her and loved it when she started flirting with me one
night.

We had really special sex and I thought we were going to start a relationship
but, just a couple of weeks later, she hit on my friend.

I realised what she was up to and tried to warn him but he took no notice. Now
she constantly goes on about him and how big he is.

I know she’s also slept with a 15-year-old guy, which shocked me, as it’s
illegal.

She flashes her boobs in nightclubs, talks dirty and is totally O.T.T. with
the flirting.

She gives marks out of ten to the guys she’s slept with and boasts about
having slept with other girls.

She has now started dating a 31-year-old man. Most of our friends are against
it. I don’t mind, if they’re happy, but she’s never faithful to him. She’s
on the pull whenever she’s out without him.

We went out with my male mates recently and two of them went home early
because she was hitting on them and being loud, annoying and way too
flirtatious. They have since told me they don’t want to see me if she’s
around.

She even straddled a friend of mine who’s in a wheelchair and he was
embarrassed and angry.

I still like her but don’t want to get a bad name or get into any trouble
because of her reputation.

I’ve tried to talk to her but she won’t change. I asked yesterday whether she
loved her boyfriend and how she could do what she does behind his back. She
just said: “Spare me the lecture.”

DEIDRE SAYS: She’s a lucky girl to have a sincere friend who cares
about her and I hope you’ll be able to get through to her.

Get her on her own, when you are both calm and sober, and say you’re worried
about her. Tell her she’s a special person and people will like the real her
much better than the brash show she puts on.

Ask her to think about the risk of sexual infection she is running by sleeping
around.

Be very clear, too, that she must not have sex with an underage boy again, as
it is against the law.

Suggest she talks to a counsellor, through The Mix, about why she is into what
is really very self-destructive behaviour (,
0808 808 4994). If she won’t take any notice, don’t risk losing your other
friends because of her.

My son refuses to see his child

Dear Deidre

MY son’s girlfriend tricked him into thinking she was on the Pill and gave him
a daughter he did not want. The tragedy now is that he has a lovely little
girl – but won’t be in the same room as her.

He was 19 when his ex told him she was pregnant. She was 21. He begged her to
have a termination, as by then she had a drink problem and he was not ready
to become a dad. She refused.

They broke up and she made his life hell for months.

Our granddaughter is now three and we adore her. She stays with us at weekends
and with her other grand- parents during the week as her mum is no longer
around.

Our son swore he would never see his child and he’s been true to his word.

When we try to talk to him about it he clams up and gets angry. It is such a
sad and horrible way for us all to live.

DEIDRE SAYS: How sad, but he hasn’t yet realised you can’t wish away
what you regret in life.

Tell him you understand him but his daughter is there, it’s not her fault and
he has a valuable role to play. Shutting her out is damaging this little
girl.

You can all find support through ,
(0808 800 2222).

Hard to accept she likes women

Dear Deidre

I’M struggling to come to terms with my daughter being in a lesbian
relationship.

She is 24 and lives with her mum since we split up ten years ago. I’m 45 and
my ex is 46. We are still close and should be together but her family never
liked me and caused the split.

I love my daughter. She is very beautiful, though she lacks confidence and is
very shy and introverted. She has never had a boyfriend.

Completely out of the blue, she rang recently and told me she has met a
Spanish woman online and they are holidaying together soon.

They started out as friends but now are in a relationship and she is happy.

Her mother and I have talked but I’ve not had a heart-to-heart with our
daughter yet.

DEIDRE SAYS: Your daughter probably knows your views but feels strongly
 enough about this woman to want to share her news with you.

She deserves to be happy and this relationship is right for her now. Being
judgmental could lose your daughter’s trust. Find help from FFLAG – Families
and Friends of Lesbians and Gay (,
0845 652 0311).

Dear Deidre

MY partner keeps making excuses not to move in with me. We have a great
relationship but I am tired of waiting while he drags his feet.

I am 41 and he is the same age. I have two teenage sons who get on well with
him.

He has his own flat and has said throughout the five years we’ve been together
that he wants us to live together. But then he makes excuses.

Apart from this issue, he is great. He buys me flowers most weeks and is kind
and caring. I know there is no one else. I just feel we want different
things. Do I cut my losses?

DEIDRE SAYS: If so much is good about this relationship, be wary of
throwing it all away over just this single issue.

What you need is to get to the underlying reasons for his reluctance. He may
get on with your boys but not want to live with them 24/7.

But talk rather than hand out an ultimatum. Great guys are not that easy to
find.

Dear Deidre

I LOVE my girlfriend like crazy but I feel insecure since she told me how many
men she’s slept with.

I am 21 and we met six months ago. She is lovely – warm, caring and honest –
but she’s told me she has been with 30 men. She is only 22.

She says her ex was abusive and cheated, which is why she ended up cheating
too. But she promises me she will never give me reason to mistrust her,
though she does still chat to one guy and has gone for coffee with another.

She is the girl of my dreams. I just wish I could be happy and not have these
worries.

DEIDRE SAYS: Neither of you can change her past but she has been clear
she slept around because she was so unhappy.

Is it that you disapprove? Or that you feel threatened she is more
experienced?

Ask for a hug if you feel insecure. But if you cannot love her for who she is,
she is not the one for you.

Get in touch

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